I missed my psychiatrist appointment.

Well, I missed the appointment with the nurse practitioner that writes the prescriptions for my antipsychotics and antidepressant.

He’s not a psychiatrist.

I didn’t really have a good reason to miss my appointment, I just, didn’t go.

I woke up a little late and it’s like my body wouldn’t move quickly – it was impossible to try to, and I had to move at a slow and steady pace, and decided that I’m not going to rush around to try to get to this appointment.

In the past, I would’ve slammed a Red Bull, put some dry shampoo in my hair, grabbed Bruce the dog, and rushed out the door.

Well, this behavior has given me the mark of “manic” several times over.

I’m hyper and talking faster with the Red Bull being in me.

I was rushing around so I’m probably sweaty.

I probably have a high heart rate and high blood pressure at that time too because of the rushing around.

And all of these factors would lead the “doctor” to possibly think I’m manic when I’m not.

I know there have been times in the past when I’ve busted through the doors five minutes late, talking loud and fast about how I needed to check in or whatever my reason for being late is explained as.

And I’m not going to continue behaviors that are no help to me.

I can’t.

I feel bad I missed the appointment, but I got it rescheduled for the fifth of December, so really just a few days away.

I like this clinic because they don’t reprimand for missing appointments.

I went to one clinic back in Denver that I was one missed  appointment away from being let go as a patient.

I’m just so bad with showing up sometimes.

I’m usually not trying to be a pain either, quite the opposite.

I feel like a disappointment when I miss appointments like that, but there’s not much I can do.

It’s already done.

I think the looming thoughts right now are around finding a new therapist.

I keep ignoring the fact that I have to do something about my therapy situation.

My current therapist is pregnant and plans on being out around 12 weeks starting probably mid February.

She plans on coming back and whatever but it’s so hard to say what will happen.

She was close to throwing in the towel at the beginning of the year already, so I think the best bet would be to get a new, different therapist.

I mean, she could go and be on leave and decide she’s not coming back for a year or whatever.

So I need to be proactive.

I’ve been feeling as if I need a change in that department anyway.

It’s just a tough thing to try and tackle.

There are a lot of obstacles and speed bumps whenever I need to find a new therapist.

And then hopefully I like them – that’s a whole different thing.

Sometimes it takes a few times – or sessions, to see if I’m even going to get along or like the new therapist.

Sometimes it takes several months before things settle back down and that’s a journey I do not feel like going on anytime soon but don’t really have a choice.

Which is life I suppose.

It’s daunting.

Trying to find someone new to help.

A good therapist is hard to come by.

They’re few and far between.

I got lucky with the one I have now, but the time has come to part ways.

And that’s okay.

I’m kinda looking forward to having a new perspective.

I would like to find someone who specializes in psychosis related issues this time.

I think it’d be really helpful when it comes to dealing with my symptoms.

That and/or an EMDR specialist would be great too.

Someone to help me deal with past traumas and shit.

Really dig in there and process through some shit that I keep avoiding.

I would love to do more therapeutic guided meditations too.

I’ll haveta get on the Psychology Today site and give the local therapists a search.

It’s the best site to find a therapist on that I know of.

I just did a search and I already feel anxious about it.

Anxiety from having anxiety.

It’s overwhelming, but baby steps are still steps.

– Keren