Sometimes I regret not having kids.

I never wanted any, but I feel like I should’ve over the years.

There was a time, a couple of months, where my ex husband and I were thinking about it.

He wanted kids.

I didn’t, not really.

But then things went south with him and I got an IUD and have had one ever since.

Honestly, I don’t know if I can even have kids.

I’ve never even had a pregnancy scare.

Not one in my entire life.

Which makes me think I can’t even have them.

I have been told by several doctors that it would be very difficult for me to conceive.

And on top of that, I have just had so many years of selfishness due to my mental illness.

Times where I really shouldn’t have anyone depending on me.

And that’s what it boils down to for me.

I can’t handle myself, how the fuck could I handle kids where they’re dependent on me being mostly stable and sort of healthy?

I honestly just didn’t want to bring something I’d regret into the world.

And I can barely take care of myself let alone have someone who depends on me every moment of the day.

I can do dogs.

I’ve always had a dog.

They depend on me, but in a way I can handle.

I like walking, so that helps.

In all honesty my mental illness has kept me apart from the idea of having children.

I’ve always known something was off with me.

I’ve always known I was going to be alone and without children.

When I was a teenager, I’d tell my Mom that I’m going to be a spinster when I was older.

Alone with a bunch of dogs.

And I wasn’t wrong.

Maybe in a way I just manifested my insecurities.

Maybe I steered clear from a fucking disaster.

I’ll never really know I guess.

But my mental illness issues played a huge part in my decision to not have kids.

It really did.

I knew something was going on with me.

Looking back, I figured it’d get worse with time.

And I didn’t want to drag anyone along with me.

I never even thought I would ever get married and, wouldn’t ya know, being divorced is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I’m beyond grateful for not having kids with my ex.

I would’ve felt trapped in a loveless, shit marriage.

And I wouldn’t have been able to leave, well, really, I would’ve felt obligated to stay.

And that wouldn’t have been good for anyone involved.

Even before my marriage, I knew that having kids wouldn’t happen for me.

Ever.

I knew I was unstable, and living my life however I wanted to, and I didn’t want to stop.

Parts of me couldn’t stop.

Sometimes it makes me sad to look back and not see at least one kid there with me.

Yet, I feel as though I wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

I would’ve freaked out and not been able to do it.

Maybe I would’ve surprised myself and become tamer, but I don’t know.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to love me unconditionally, aside from my parents.

But dogs do a great job of being a little cheerleader.

They’re ready to hang out 24/7.

Although sometimes not having children makes me feel lesser than.

Everyone around me has kids.

Most people my age have kids.

And now I’m on the other side being 40, and officially shouldn’t have kids at my age.

And I don’t know if I want one still.

Part of me would love someone to live with everything I have.

Part of me knows it’ll go wrong.

Part of me doesn’t think I’d be able to handle any of it.

My symptoms get way worse with lack of sleep.

And being pregnant while on all the medications that I’m on is not ideal, at all.

I just go back to the fact that I would royally fuck up a kid.

Until this last year, for sure would’ve fucked up.

If I would’ve had the lucidity then that I do now, things would probably be different.

I think I would’ve been able to deal with it, it being everything.

If I had found these medications ten years ago, I very well might have had at least a kid.

But my life didn’t happen that way, so I don’t have one.

And that’s honestly okay with me, being childless.

I did what I did in life and I didn’t have any of the tools I do now.

And that’s something I can’t change.

And don’t necessarily want to.

– Keren