Negative symptoms are just as frustrating and scary as  positive symptoms.

I know I talk mainly about the positive ones, hallucinations, delusions and such.

But negative symptoms are just as pesky and shitty as their counterpart.

I’ve talked about it quite a bit too though, just without throwing in the proper word usage for it.

But these symptoms make me feel as if I’m out of control.

As if I can’t command my body and myself.

My lack of ability to self care.

My inability to get off the couch and clean.

Emoting is difficult.

Laundry is impossible.

Socializing is dreadful.

I have a low to moderate level of physical activity because of the avolition, the anhedonia and the physical pain levels from my severe arthritis.

I just can’t fucking do things.

It’s so difficult to explain.

Because it’s not a choice at times – self care and whatnot.

I just can’t do it.

I physically can’t.

It’s not available for me to do.

And I lay on my couch and write about it, tv going, dreading tomorrow’s hurdle.

I guess the good things are that I don’t flip out very easily anymore.

I feel like my rage is drastically subdued.

And my mood levels out quickly.

But at the same time, it’s hard to feel so fucking miserably sad and not be able to cry.

In therapy the other week, I got teary eyed, and that’s the closest I’ve been to crying for months.

It’s quite impossible to cry.

Same thing with laughing.

Laughing is a little easier to come by than tears, but it’s fewer and further between than I can remember it being in the past.

I know that antipsychotics can do that too.

They can seemingly add to the negative symptoms and can make everything so fucking gray feeling.

Drab and unmotivated.

They can add to the problem that already exists, making things even worse than they could or would be.

It’s like I’m not happy, but I’m also not sad, but I’m not content either, and I’m not mad.

I’m in a good mood, I guess.

I feel like I’m just sorta floating through right now.

It’s an odd ground to be on.

I do feel so emotionally numb at the same time.

And the feeling runs pretty deep.

And it’s not that I don’t care, I care deeply.

It’s just that I can’t show my feelings.

Because the negative symptoms don’t only show up when my positive symptoms are absent.

The negative symptoms are like a droning, layered tone that is barely able to be heard, but is always there.

It pops up, anywhere and at any time.

They do become as debilitating as the positive symptoms.

Just in a different way.

The negative symptoms, for me, are more of a physical weight that’s impossible to lift off of me.

It’s basically like trying to live and move while my own personal emergency break is on.

The pressure and effort it takes to move through life becomes blatantly, obviously, harder.

I have felt this way countless times before, even off of medications.

It’s pretty maddening to me, the negative symptoms are.

It’s like my willpower and motivation are non-existent.

It feels like it takes thousands more units of effort to do anything.

Even eat at times.

It’s just like a fucking mute button got flipped on.

But not auditory.

More of a physical muting.

Like, I know that something needs to be done, and I physically can’t move.

I just keep laying here.

And my energy is not available for use.

It just isn’t.

It feels like the world is passing by at an alarming rate and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I feel like I can’t participate.

I just can’t.

Not only do I not have the energy to do anything, but my stamina and capacity is not available either.

Making things feel impossible and daunting.

When I feel like this I notice my activity takes a dive.

I force myself to walk the dog a couple of times a day, and even that turns into a chore that I dread.

And I guess with all of that, that at least I’m aware of it, right?

At least I know what to call this almost laziness.

Because it’s not me being lazy, it’s stickier than that.

It’s like I’m being forced to be lazy, like I don’t have control over it.

And that’s the struggle with mental illness.

I’m fighting a war with myself.

And the battles with the symptoms are just a part of it.

At least I don’t feel as alone with it all now.

– Keren