Now that I’m getting used to the Haldol, I’ve been able to think again today.

And clearer than I’ve been able to yet, which is such a welcomed and very promising feeling.

Last week was no good for that, but sometimes it’s just like that.

I feel pretty lucid today.

And with feeling better and clearer, there’s usually waves of comprehension of my past behaviors or actions.

What I can remember, that is.

Sometimes it’s something small.

Like how I noticed the other week that all but one pair of my glasses have had green in them for the last fifteen to twenty years.

Sometimes it’s much bigger issues in my life.

I’ve been able to reflect today, and I put something huge together.

I ghost people.

I’m a bridge burner.

I fall off the grid to people.

And I’m alone because I have treated people so shittily, without even realizing it.

I am really good at ignoring things and people.

I tend to meet my abandonment issues with rejecting people, places, and things.

I abandon first because the next move is going to be them hurting me somehow.

I can, very quickly, within moments of a conversation or communication, go completely silent and never show up again.

I will go silent and then I ruin it even more somehow so neither them nor I will ever be able to show up the same way again.

And I’m noticing that when something flips my fuck it switch on, I can cut it out of my life pretty quickly.

I know I just talked about this in regards to being physically nomadic.

The people who I ghost have sometimes been friends for years.

Sometimes someone says something to me in a tone I feel was rude or standoffish.

They could not text back in what I feel is a timely manner.

Leave me out of plans.

Or just get too close to me.

Depend on me too much.

Call or text me too much.

Not call or text.

It’s really an anything goes situation when I line up my reasons like that.

It’s very subjective and erratic.

Anything can set off this fuck it response for me and it’s really quite heartbreaking to think about.

It’s such unhealthy behavior to push things and people away to create a world of one because I don’t trust people who get close to me.

Because I don’t trust people in general.

I can’t even trust my own eyes and ears, so what the fuck can I trust?

Usually I felt like I stopped talking to someone for a good reason, but looking back, I don’t think there usually was a reason.

I’m now seeing a very clear pattern and path of self sabotaging and antisocial, anti authority, truth bombs type behavior from me.

I’ve never noticed this before.

And it’s alarming.

Seriously.

Self preservation is a double edged sword.

And now that I know I’ve been psychotic most of my adult life, it makes it even harder because I could’ve realized all of this years and years ago if I would’ve just been put on antipsychotics sooner.

Intead, I wasn’t medicated properly and continued to alienate and isolate myself from every person who I thought would hurt me.

So I just ruined it before it came to that.

But I ruined it.

I did.

Not them.

No one else is to blame.

That’s some fucking raw and difficult shit to admit to.

And what makes it harder is that I can’t even remember the bulk of the times this has happened in my life.

Hundreds, maybe even thousands of times this happened over the span of the last twenty years, but I can’t recall but two or three of them.

I’ve been sitting here feeling sorry for myself and then it just hit me.

My behavior has really been quite shitty over the years.

I drop things and people just like I dip in and out of different cities.

I’m sure I do it for self preservation.

But what if the threat wasn’t even real?

What if there was never a threat?

The threat all along has been my delusions.

And so the uncovering of the layers of my life is getting more intense right now with this.

It’s awful to snap out of it one day and realize if I would’ve known what antipsychotics could do, I would’ve asked to be on them decades ago.

If I would’ve just known what I was fucking dealing with, my life would look so fucking different right now.

But I can’t be upset with myself over it, and I’m not.

It’s not that.

It’s just super frustrating and I’m grateful to be able to notice it today.

I can’t believe how loud my head gets.

And I don’t notice it really until it dulls or fades.

And this Haldol is really working quite well suddenly.

I feel good today.

Much better when compared to last week.

And it’s scary to let someone in.

I’m working on a much healthier version of this.

– Keren