I’m so tired of having constant symptoms.

It’s been about a month now since I had the hallucinations of my third floor neighbors and I’m struggling.

And I keep having fucking symptoms.

Paranoia especially.

I don’t know what to write about right now.

I wrote three different entries over the past four days and hated all of them.

None of them were conveying what I wanted them to.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say, really.

I’ve been having brain fog and trouble concentrating.

I’ll tell ya one thing that threw me the fuck off was my aquatics class on Friday.

They’ve been apparently having some issues with bullying so they decided to fb live feed the aquatics classes for the next couple of weeks.

Well that made me cave in.

It’s the one social thing that I really enjoy doing until that announcement and tripod set up.

I was in a fine mood until they announced that.

I was doing good until they set it up and I clamped up.

I couldn’t calm myself down after they set it up.

I couldn’t focus on the class.

I was half assing my workout and I could feel my stomach in my throat.

My paranoia skyrocketed.

Instantly.

There was nothing that could take my mind away from being live recorded on social media.

I kept fixating on it.

I moved to the far corner of the pool and ended up having to leave the class early.

There will be some classes skipped while that’s happening.

It’s too much for me.

I already feel like my thoughts and feelings are being broadcasted, I don’t need the added stress of being on a live feed where everyone in the world could potentially see me.

It’s fucking nerve wracking.

Socialization in general is difficult for me anymore and that was the one place I felt safe until Friday.

I logged onto my support group on that same evening and I couldn’t stay.

I didn’t feel like sharing about my paranoia through the computer camera and microphone.

I have problems with electronics and the people behind them reading my thoughts.

It gets brutal when I’m in an episode.

I feel like people can see and talk to me through my phone or computer at any time.

Any time.

That I have to be on my best behavior otherwise the people from the CIA will kill me.

I know how that sounds.

I know.

But it feels so fucking real to me.

I can’t get over it.

This goes back to that thought broadcasting delusions.

I feel like people know what I’m thinking and feeling just by a glance.

I have locked myself out of countless emails and websites because I think people are watching me input my passwords.

I have gotten most of them fixed but I still have some email addresses and sites that I don’t have access to because of this paranoia and I don’t plan on reopening them because of it.

I watched this show on Amazon called “Jury Duty” the other day.

It’s one where everyone is an actor except for one guy who’s clueless and being recorded on video and audio for the weeks that the “court case” takes place.

I thought it was an alright show until they showed him where all of the cameras were in the big reveal.

They were all behind mirrors.

I have a fucking problem with mirrors.

A couple of years ago I thought someone had placed cameras in all of the mirrors in my apartment and took down everything that was on my walls and covered them up with a blanket in the corner of my living room.

Watching the reveal of the cameras with that show the other day really kinda fucked me up.

I have all three of my mirrors up pretty high to just bounce light off of in my current apartment, but I gotta tell ya, after watching that my surveillance delusions through my mirrors started to surface again.

I wish I had never seen that show.

I haven’t been doing that great lately and I think I need a medication adjustment.

I have my psych appointment this upcoming Tuesday and I have something written up for it, my symptoms and what I’m going through.

I have to write it out because otherwise I feel like I’m not being heard.

I don’t know if that’s just me or if he’s really misinterpreting my words, but either way writing down verbatim what I need to tell him before the appointment is the best way to go.

I have problems communicating and I know that writing down everything I need to tell him is my best option for feeling heard, and for receiving some help.

– Keren