I’ve been hearing crowd murmurs for the last few days again.

They first surfaced when I was 19 years old.

I remember the night that I first heard them.

I thought It was paranormal, of course.

This hallucination sounds like I’m suddenly placed in the middle of a crowd, but I can’t make out any of the actual words.

It’s just conversational tones overlapping each other in murmurs.

It normally comes from behind me and just off to either side.

I can hear the different heights on the voices.

The different textures of voices, but not the words themselves.

This has been a common occurrence for me and I usually classify them under radio noises in my mood tracking app.

Speaking of that, the other radio noises and music have been layering in again too.

They come and go.

Ebb and flow.

Not always hearing all of that, but more bits and pieces throughout the day.

Some hours are louder than others.

The quietness of those few days the other week faded quickly into all sorts of noises again.

Like the crowd sounds, they’re all fairly loud and have been louder for a little over a week now.

I’m trying to give myself space.

I decided to not go to the gym again yesterday. 

To give myself just a couple more days of rest before being around people again.

Even though I ended up eating something that didn’t agree with me on Sunday night and have been paying for it.

But it’s not that I have to be super social when I go to the pool to work out.

Yet I have to be around people whom I don’t know.

And I hear things people aren’t really saying.

I see and feel their eyes glaring at me.

It makes me paranoid.

So my current isolation situation is one of my shittier coping mechanisms I’m using right now.

It’s temporary.

But it doesn’t always feel temporary.

It feels like I’m trying to use it as an escape.

But I know deep down that I’m just trying to cope with everything.

I know I’ve said this a lot lately, but I do just need to be patient and let myself grieve.

I need to give myself space.

And I’ve been trying my hardest to do that.

To just let myself do what I need to do.

Like not go to public spaces when I feel uncomfortable in a bad way.

In more ways than one.

To let myself just be alone.

I get these weird almost ticks sometimes.

It’s always something with these hallucinations.

My vision blurs in and out on random days.

And with my only having one working eye, this is not a fun, silly occurrence, but more worrisome for me.

Because even when I’m wearing my glasses, it doesn’t take this blurriness away.

It makes no difference if I’m wearing them or not.

Things are just blurry.

It’s almost what I would consider double vision at times too.

It’s not accompanied with a headache or anything besides just blurry vision with duplicated lines coming in and out of focus everywhere.

I’ll still get the eye shimmy that I’ve talked about before too.

And since I’ve been peeling apart the onion of my hallucinations and delusions when I can, I’ve been notating when I get something I call “glitter sight” in my mood app now.

They are floaters all over the place in my vision.

They look like ribbons and dots and tree roots all at the same time.

They’re translucent and iridescent.

Chaotic.

With highlighted points or dots that glow a little brighter than the other squiggly parts.

Since I noticed these little glitter confettis, I’ve been noticing that they get worse (denser and more often) with the surfacing of other symptoms.

Positive and negative ones.

It’s an odd realization.

I know I’ve had this glitter sight for as long as I can remember, I just recently thought about how it may tie into everything.

So I started keeping track of it this weekend.

In hopes to give myself more insight into the randomness.

It’s hard to do things when I have symptoms like I do.

It’s hard to get myself up and doing things becuase everything brings all of these fucking hurdles.

It’s more than laziness.

It’s a lot deeper than that.

A lot a lot.

I quite literally can’t do anything.

I don’t have any strength.

My abilities are just different now.

I just lay here and think about life passing me by and how I’m not doing enough things to be better.

But then I tell myself I’m going through a stressful time right now, and that I’m feeling overwhelmed and things are always harder when I feel this way.

Partially because I can’t trust what I see and hear.

Partially because of avolition.

Partially because of my negative symptoms (or lack of emotions/feelings).

Partially because no matter how much I’m grateful for antipsychotics, they still make me feel gray.

Like I can’t feel things sometimes.

Like there’s too much medication in the way.

But that’s also a plus – to not have the rage and lows I’ve had my whole life…

Yet it also makes me feel like I can’t emote.

Like I’m numb in some ways.

I know I keep track of all of these symptoms in hopes to find a type of pattern somewhere.

I don’t know if any of it will ever make sense.

The randomness creates an even bigger sense of isolation than my current isolation.

I dunno, it’s all temporary…

– Keren