It’s all the same.

The general idea for my delusions are all pretty much the same base.

Someone is after me.

Out to get me.

Spying on me.

Stalking me.

Watching me.

I call all of these things hallucinations all the time.

But they’re not totally only hallucinations.

They’re delusions too.

I do feel like if I call them delusions, it gives them more weight for some reason.

It’s a heavier topic to me.

But there are several types of delusions that differ drastically from hallucinations.

Having a delusion is a fixed belief that something is true, regardless of any and all evidence against it.

For example, I know my neighbors watch me, comment on me and what I’m doing when I’m outside and they’re home.

Problem is that it also happens when they’re not home.

It sounds the same.

Maybe their car broke down.

Maybe they parked somewhere else.

They’re talking about what I’m doing.

So where are they?

I didn’t look up there.

They’re probably home.

They’re home because I hear them.

Well, I know a lot of this is irrational, right?

I hear hallucinations.

Chances are it’s my hallucinations.

Chances are they’re not watching me.

Not talking about me.

But I feel that they are real, and how do I ignore my gut and everything else telling me that something is going on.

That they are watching me.

They are talking about me.

Everything inside of me is screaming that the truth is that they are out to get me.

Everything that happens is a sign as to why it’s real.

Everything I see or hear.

Everything that the voices say concrete the existence of my delusions.

Or is that them?

Or the voices?

Because it’s hard to explain how and why I keep falling for it.

Why they take over sometimes and not others.

My therapist tells me that’s just how mental illness works.

It takes over randomly, even when everything is done right.

And stays for a random amount of time.

Then it dwindles to the background only to re-emerge randomly again.

Just when I least expect it.

Suddenly, one day I wake up and the delusions start pulling at me.

Trying to grip my throat.

And it’s hard to snap out of that.

I get reserved and quiet.

It becomes difficult to focus.

Difficult to remember what I had been just saying or thinking.

Difficult to follow anything, even simple television shows.

My eyes are easier to glaze over as I just stare off at the wall.

I feel overstimulated.

Or like I have been overstimulated in the past days.

Makes sense.

But doesn’t make it less frustrating.

In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

First my symptoms are heavy and thick.

Loud and paranoia-inducing.

Then my cognitive abilities are slowed and dulled.

And I get so exhausted.

All for uneven amounts of random time.

I never know when everything will stop.

I just know that they will… eventually… 

And I guess that’s a lot more promising thinking than I’ve had in the past.

I just never knew what this was before.

I would get enraged at everything in sight.

Agitated at why I can’t truly comprehend anything and why everything is so confusing.

I never knew why I was so angry all the time.

Constantly ready to fight.

Things are making so much more sense lately.

Even when I have symptoms, I can see they’re irrational.

Even if they do make me paranoid unlike anything else.

And in order to further my recovery, my acceptance and growth of who I am with this illness, I need to use proper terms.

Proper names for my symptoms.

Just like I had to start calling my “neighbors” my voices.

To take back the power and understanding that I can.

And that includes making a distinction between hallucinations and delusions.

Because hallucinations don’t cover all of the feelings or impulses that come from all of my symptoms.

So I’m making the distinction now, to include a more well rounded use of mental illness vocabulary and comprehension.

– Keren