These symptoms – hallucinations, delusions, paranoia.. they make me feel out of control.

Like I don’t have a grip on my life.

Like I’m lesser than a typical person because I can’t follow through with plans half of the time due to symptoms.

It made me ugly cry this morning.

And want to use to cover it all up.

But I know that is not constructive and I can’t let myself follow through with it.

So I went out and got some CBD gummies in hopes that they’ll help calm me down.

And a vape for nicotine.

So I can still smoke and not have to go outside.

I’m having a rough week.

A bad day within a rough week.

I’m just so sick of it all.

The hallucinations make me tired and on edge.

They make me want to tell someone everything that I’m thinking and hearing.

But I just give a general idea of what’s happening to folks because I don’t want to burden anyone more than I do.

I’m a prisoner of my own mind.

I feel empty.

Or rather, cluttered with nonsense.

Unexplainable, conspiracy-like occurrences that leave me feeling so very alone in this world.

I hate this feeling.

I hate being so paranoid and closed off.

I just feel so empty.

The symptoms can make me feel like there’s nowhere safe to turn, nowhere safe to go that will rid me of this.

There’s no escape.

I can’t go outside on days like today.

I barely stay outside longer than three minutes to smoke my cigarette every couple of hours.

That’s why I got the vape.

Because they just start talking about me.

Calling me weird because I’m hearing them and not saying anything.

Calling me two faced.

Strange.

But chances are they’re not real.

Chances are that it’s my hallucinations.

I don’t know that they’re hallucinations for a fact, but they’re not logical in the least.

– Keren