Avolition and Pain Levels

I’ve been begging myself to have motivation this month.

This week has been more terrible than the week before in that regard.

I haven’t done much the past two weeks.

Rather, I couldn’t do much.

I’m pretty sure I’m dealing with avolition.

I’ve just been so out of it.

And I’m not just talking about physical motivation.

It’s mental motivation too.

My thoughts are coated with “it doesn’t really matter”.

“Who cares.”

“It makes no difference.”

Mostly around chores and self care.

I’m having trouble keeping thoughts in my head still.

I’ve still been struggling with blankness.

I feel myself zone out.

But I can’t do anything about it.

Next thing I know it’s thirty minutes later.

An hour.

And I haven’t moved.

It feels like I’m made of a thick, weighted, sticky substance.

And it inhibits my ability to move.

Every time I get up.

I just think about laying down.

Maybe it’s depression.

Maybe it’s from my back aching.

Maybe I’m still fighting off a psychotic episode.

Maybe I’m still trying to find my routine again after my friends visit.

Whatever it is.

It’s frustrating.

I can’t even clean my apartment.

I haven’t swept my floors for around three weeks.

I just can’t seem to care.

I’ve also been dealing with my painful back.

I always feel better when I do get around to cleaning.

But I can’t today.

Or yesterday.

But maybe tomorrow.

I got another lumbar spine steroid injection on Monday.

It’s helping me to be able to think again.

And I’m hoping that maybe less pain will help motivate me this week.

But damn.

Seems like I have to feel disgusting in order to do anything about anything this past week or two.

It feels like my whole self is shut down.

Body.

Mind.

All of it.

The only thing I feel like I can do.

Is write.

It’s become this therapeutic tool for me.

An active and positive outlet.

That’s always there.

And when I write.

I feel, if only for a moment.

A sense of having a handle on my mental illness.

I work a lot of things out while writing.

Just as I write this I’m thinking about my pain levels and the effects it has on my ability to function.

The effect it has on my motivation.

Not only physically.

But mental motivation.

After my spine injection this week.

My back is already feeling much relief.

It’s helping my mental clarity regain its footing.

Curious how that works.

My pain levels absolutely add to the chaos in my mind.

They inhibit my movements.

And a lot of other aspects of my life.

I realized while writing this.

Before my spine injection.

The little bit of ability I had to think.

Was clouded with a running obsession of my burning back.

I do think about my physical pain every day.

Most moments within the day too.

I hurt.

A lot.

And maybe the pain runs deeper than anything in me.

All kinds of pain.

Turmoil and frustrations.

Mental and physical.

I haven’t heard voices this morning yet.

The radio noise has been there still.

Brief music.

Hushed whispers.

Maybe a word or two here or there.

But that is much, much more tolerable than voices.

I’ve said this before.

But I know my physical and mental pain are linked.

And getting that lumbar steroid injection really concreted that for me.

I’ve been dealing with so many breakthrough symptoms the past few weeks.

And between my Invega injection and my spine injection.

Things are quieter today.

Much quieter.

I’m able to think a little better today.

For the first time in weeks.

See, I was scheduled for my back injection about a month ago.

The office had to reschedule me a few times.

Due to shitty insurance issues.

So I’ve really been needing this relief.

And it took up a lot of space in my mind lately.

And I didn’t notice until it dissipated.

I feel like I can think again.

Maybe it’s from the psychotic symptoms fading.

Maybe it’s a combination of everything.

But I’m so, so, glad to not be as uncomfortable today.

In most all parts of me.

– Keren