diagnosis
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Navigating Trust and Friendships with Schizoaffective Disorder
I’m feeling off this week. Socially, emotionally, off. I feel like there’s a part missing in my life. And it’s the social part. I want to be social. But I also completely dread it and don’t want to at all.… Continue reading
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Food and Hallucinations (and More Doctor Appointments)
I keep having weeks so busy that I have no time to write. I keep forgetting to fill out my mood app every day too. Then I have to go back and try to remember what was going on on… Continue reading
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The Doctor Said…
I started crying today. Because of stupid facebook and a bunch of other stuff. But I’m telling you, every single time that I try to reach out or comment on someone’s post on facebook, it backfires on me. People end… Continue reading
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Schizoaffective Disorder and Money
It’s been a slow moving week. I suppose that’s a good thing. I’ve been sorta unmotivated lately – unfocused. I can’t help but worry about the future. I’m paranoid about the next steps and what that looks like in my… Continue reading
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Vein Ablations and Therapy
So, the vein ablations are done. Thank goodness. The photo with this entry shows just how drastic of a difference the procedures have made. It’s amazing. I mean, I knew my feet and legs were discolored and swollen, but I… Continue reading
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Trauma, Pain Levels, and ADHD
I woke up in incredible amounts of pain on Wednesday this week. Incredible. I could barely fucking move. When I finally did, I had to move very, very slowly. Even on my morning walk with Bruce that day, I had… Continue reading
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Anesthetics Frustrations But Then a Surprisingly Good Visit With My Psych NP
I’m angry this week. Frustrated is maybe a better word. I know it’s from the anesthetics last week. I know it is. It’s always like this. After every procedure. I really wish it wasn’t like this though. It’s super annoying.… Continue reading
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Being Social With Schizoaffective Disorder
I don’t know why I can’t just go out and about and be happy that someone wants to spend time with me. Oh wait, I do know why, it’s the voices. They’re always fucking shit up. Everytime I’m away from… Continue reading
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The Bug Situation and Being Emotional
This is how my week started… It’s Monday, and I have been so incredibly, unbearably anxious and paranoid lately. Like, crying at least several times every single day, for the past several weeks. And I don’t know what to do… Continue reading
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I’m Not Who I Once Was
I used to freak the fuck out. Over react to everything. Screaming. Yelling. Texting people nonstop about my random issues and problems. I answered the phone today when I shouldn’t have. I was frustrated about my car air and vents… Continue reading
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People Are Ridiculous
It’s been a stupid, shitty week again. High pain levels, and night terrors practically every night. My pain and night terrors have been taking turns waking me up every stupid fucking night. I’m exhausted. Last week was a doozy too.… Continue reading
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I Don’t Think I’m Bipolar, And I’m Mindblown
Again, I’m going to talk about my last psychotic episode. The one I had that ended last week, er, the week before, now. It lasted longer than I thought. Well, it started further back than I originally thought. I went… Continue reading
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After The Second Procedure
So, I had my latest procedure, a vein ablation this last week, last Tuesday. They did the other GSV, in my right leg this time. And at the follow up ultrasound appointment last Friday, a week ago, I was told… Continue reading
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The Difference Between A Manic and A Psychotic Episode
I realized that I trailed off in the middle of my last entry. I started talking about how I got triggered and just sort of ended the entry after that, ha! Sorry y’all! So, now I want to pick up… Continue reading
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This Last Episode
Welp, I renewed my domain name and subscription and whatnot with WordPress today. I’ve been writing at least once a week for this blog since 2022. Part of me says why stop now? Keep bitching and moaning. So here I… Continue reading
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The Difference Between Paranoia and Anxiety
The past couple of weeks have been difficult. And last weekend was really hard. But I’ve been hanging out at my therapist’s office a lot. There’s an art room there that’s just open most of the day for people to… Continue reading
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I Realized I was Depressed and Paranoid
I’m still upset at life. I still don’t know if I’m going to continue writing this blog or not. It’ll have been three years of it already in a few weeks. I haven’t decided if I’ll renew my domain name… Continue reading
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My Various History of Hallucinations and Delusions
This is a long entry, I hope you find it as interesting as I do. I’ve been listening to the subject matter more of the background hallucinations I hear. I realized some of these are called “internal auditory hallucinations” –… Continue reading
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I Hate Arthritis
I have this giant entry all written up on my auditory hallucinations that I was going to post today. It’s a continuation from last week. But I’ll post that next week, or maybe in a day or two. I have… Continue reading
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Parts of My Verbal Auditory Hallucinations
I had a difficult realization over this last week. That most of the “neighbors” that I hear talking amongst themselves on my walks are still hallucinations. *sigh* I had noticed that there’s usually not one person outside when I hear… Continue reading
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I Had An Incident With My Now Ex-Therapist
It was halfway through with my therapy session and I was in a slight conversational lull and suddenly Jessie, the therapist who’s quitting in two weeks, after being in the office for about six months, started talking about her leaving,… Continue reading
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Anxiety and Agitation
I’ve been feeling very, I don’t know, annoyed this week. Very agitated and anxious are probably better descriptors. I’ve been thinking obsessively about going back to work. So much so that it’s been giving me anxiety attacks. I had one… Continue reading
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I’m Feeling Like Isolating
I saw this meme quote thing the other day. It said something to the extent that trauma can make someone feel that they need to isolate. And I’ve been thinking about that a lot this week. I even talked about… Continue reading
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The First Vein Ablation
This was an eventful week. I’ve been busy and tired, but good. Voices have been acting up but not terribly bad, they’ve just been mildly annoying. Just mainly while I’m out on walks, like they do. They did better again… Continue reading
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Thought Loss
I’ve been dealing with a lot of thought loss the last few years. And it’s gotten better. But it’s much worse than it used to be. And I talk about this a lot. You know when you’re mid thought, mid… Continue reading
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The Voices Lately
The voices have been very tolerable lately. I haven’t been talking about them the last few entries and I figured I’d touch base with them this week. Things have been good – they’ve been quiet. But I’ve been taking my… Continue reading
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A Vein Ablation and Weight Loss
I’m having a decent week, finally. After episodes of pain, psychosis, depression, anxiety, more pain, more psychosis, more depression and then even more pain and then even more psychosis and then even more anxiety, I can finally, finally breathe today.… Continue reading
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The Transitional Times
I don’t know how I feel this week. Monday I was severely anxious. Tuesday I was in a terrible mood, but social. Wednesday I was withdrawn and was quite literally aching with loneliness. Thursday I was completely anxious all day… Continue reading
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My Therapy Journey
I can’t even tell you how many therapists I’ve seen in my life. Dozens, easy. I used to think therapy was useless. What good does it do to talk to a stranger (who you’re paying) about my stupid life? It’s… Continue reading
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Patterns of My Psychosis are Surfacing
Holy shit, that’s it. That’s part of the prodromal phase for me. I pull away from people. I can see it now. People start annoying the shit out of me, for no reason. I suddenly hate getting messages and calls,… Continue reading
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After A Psychotic Episode
I can’t think this week. My mind is fuzzy and foggy. (before I forget, I talk about self harm in here in regards to an epiphany, but now you have been warned) I have been teaching myself Spanish the past… Continue reading
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How The Delusions and Hallucinations Engulf
I got into a comment conversation with a fellow writer and decided to write an entry around it. In my last post I had some hallucination dialogue – some back and forth between the voices, and she asked me if… Continue reading
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The Ramblings of My Voices
It’s Monday and the voices are still lingering. I may have to up my Paliperidone again. As of this week, I haven’t yet. I really don’t fucking want to. They’re telling me I’m living a lie, the voices are. That… Continue reading
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I Forgot That I Remembered It Wrong
My brain feels shriveled after that psychotic episode this last week. I’m just now resurfacing. It’s Saturday and I still can’t think properly. My body is fucking killing me. I mean, I’ve been walking more lately – trying to lose… Continue reading
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The Voices and Being Followed
Mental illness is bizarre. When the Paliperidone first started to clear up the bulk of my voices last year, I felt like I was always around people. Granted, I worked retail at the time too, so I was. But even… Continue reading
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Stuffed in the Trunk
It was a decent week. I’ve been in a much, much better mood this week than I have been in a while. Which is a very refreshing change. I didn’t think I could feel like this anymore. I’m hopeful today.… Continue reading
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Is This Optimism?
I’m wearing two pairs of pants today. I’ve got leggings on, under my jeans. It’s 30° outside here in Texas, and that’s cold as fuck for here. I’m not used to the cold anymore. It’s refreshing, but foreign feeling. As… Continue reading
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ADHD and Medication Changes
I’ve been feeling a bit better in my lumbar ablation recovery. Walking good and eating less. Trying to at least. This week has been decent with those types of things. Could be better. But it also could be a lot… Continue reading
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Hallucinations and an Ablation
It’s Sunday afternoon and my back pain is making me nauseous. It’s 4:16pm and all i’ve had is a Red Bull and a Chobani Flip. Quite a stark contrast from the last few days. I hurt. My lower back feels… Continue reading
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Pain, Inflammation, and a Crappy U.S. Doctor
I’m in so much pain. So. Much. Pain. And it feels like no one cares. I know people do, but I hate complaining about it at the same time so I try really hard not to. But I’ve been crying… Continue reading
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The Intensity of Inflammation
I had been off Prozac for about a week, week and a half, before starting back up on the 20mg capsules yesterday (it’s Tuesday) I can’t do life without a SSRI. Fuck that bullshit. I have some capsules left, so… Continue reading
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Medication Change, Continued
The medication change is going. Not well, not bad, not great, just going. I don’t know what I expected to feel besides something different. I decided to cut my antipsychotic in half on top of everything else. I know what… Continue reading
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Weight Gain Sucks
I’ve been better about writing this week. I just seemingly can’t write anything I’d like to post. So this is me giving it yet another shot with this entry. Hopefully this one will be the winner. My weight is getting… Continue reading
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The Flare
I haven’t written shit this week because I was in the middle of a fucking arthritic flare. It’s been pretty bad honestly. My body was attacking itself all month really. On and off and then on full force again. It… Continue reading
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Delusions and Healthcare Crap
I’m feeling like part of my fear about fires that I’ve been writing about is partially a delusion that I’m working through. Sure it’s anxiety too. For sure it is. But I feel like the bigger part of it is… Continue reading
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Inflammation
As I write this my normally very narrow ankles are the size between a baseball and a softball. Both of them. My knees are swollen too and so are my shoulders and my back. I can feel them. I can… Continue reading
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That Dental Disease
Well I knew this but I didn’t know it was that bad. I have Periodontal Disease. And it’s gotten quite a bit worse since the last time I was at the dentist just a few months ago. So much so… Continue reading
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Anxiety and Medications
My anxiety has been horrible this week and it’s Sunday. I’m constantly on edge. Constantly worrying that something is about to go wrong. Be set ablaze. Crash. My Dad asked me where the anxiety stems from this weekend. That something… Continue reading
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Social Depletion
I get so down on myself sometimes. I hang out with someone and just end up going home after two hours because I can’t handle being out in public. And I was just sitting at a friends house. I get… Continue reading
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Fire Anxiety
I’m so paranoid of somethings. Fire is one of them. When I was a kid my brother and I literally were playing with matches and almost started a forest fire behind my parents house. Well, we did start a forest… Continue reading
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Ignoring Certain Things
I’ve been ignoring my physical health for a while now again. A few months. It’s just so hard to focus on anything with my medications being leveled out and my disability hearing and all of that being in limbo for… Continue reading
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Anxiety and Approval
I’ve had several panic attacks in the past week. Big panic attacks. So much so that I debated going to the ER with one of them. But I think that my disability appeals have finally been approved. I’m pretty sure… Continue reading
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Stability and PRN’s
I thought my life was going alright while in psychosis a few years ago. I thought everyone else had the problems, not me. Besides, everyone was talking shit about me all the time. And I wasn’t able to put things… Continue reading
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Dating & Other Fears
I’m having these physical responses to dating. Like the first one I was so anxious about the lack of conversation, I started to break out in a sweat. Or maybe that was from the real fucking crowded restaurant we were… Continue reading
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Signs of an Episode
There are a few things that are signs that a psychotic episode is going to happen or is happening to me. The more I think about it, I’m able to slowly put two and two together a bit better as… Continue reading
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The Physical Effects of Antipsychotics: Part Two
I know I was in some sort of psychotic episode the last week or five because now I don’t feel like I have anything to say. I feel boring, bland. I feel dull and uninteresting. I feel like I have… Continue reading
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Reunited
This week has been surprisingly good. I have recently reconnected this week with a great friend, and it’s been so so so nice to catch up and reunite. It feels good, having a friend. A good friend. A real friend,… Continue reading
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Psych Visit and a Book
I know I’ve been posting a lot the past week or so, I just feel like I have a lot to say and keep having ideas for posts, so I just keep writing. I remember my grandmother telling me once… Continue reading
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Psychotic Episodes
Psychosis is not well understood. It a giant ball of mystery. They don’t really know why it surfaces or how except for something about dopamine. Which makes sense to me because when a psych doc put me on Wellbutrin years… Continue reading
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Masking My Emotions And An Epiphany
I noticed that after my therapist told me I didn’t fit the criteria for a manic or even a hypomanic episode, my depression has started creeping up with the elevated mood still here. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t understand… Continue reading
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The Effort is There
I’m trying really hard to change. I am. I’m now taking my meds, I’m seeing a therapist weekly and have been for over two years now. I’m seeing a psychiatrist too, every two or three months for the past like,… Continue reading
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Breakthrough Psychotic Symptoms
So, Thursday night last week I had some terrible breakthrough symptoms. I kept hearing my neighbor (of course),(surprise, surprise), who’s my friend down at the end of my building, talk about me to another neighbor. She kept talking about how… Continue reading
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I Had Lost The Details
I used to think most things were endless and unobtainable. Chaotic and confusing. Like the amount, or types, of birds in the air. There are too many to even start counting or naming. The fruits at the grocery store –… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Ten
Today is the two year anniversary of A Delusional Predisposition. I can’t believe I’ve been writing this blog that long. Kinda hard to believe. And what better way to bring in the new year than with a medication post. I… Continue reading
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Medication Adherence
It’s like one good thing happens and then a bunch of terrible things follow suit. I didn’t have therapy last week because of the fourth of July holiday was that same day. Today, Thursday, 40 min before our session, my… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Nine
*TW: Self Harm* I had my hearing yesterday morning for disability, and I’ll have the official answer, or decision rather, in a few months. So I have done all of the things in my power to get this approved and… Continue reading
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EMDR Therapy
This week has been up and down. I’ve been going to a “life skills class”, which is a group at my therapist’s office. I’ve gone the past couple of Wednesday’s and I’ve really been liking it. We’ve been talking about… Continue reading
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An Incomplete Puzzle
The past couple weeks I’ve gone to a life skills class at my therapist’s office. They have an art room there too folks just hang out in. Sean, my therapist, actually runs the group and suggested I give it a… Continue reading
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Suboxone
I can barely walk again today. This is week three of intense pain levels that show no sign of slowing. I can barely sit up and go to the bathroom. Sitting down on the toilet with bad knees makes it… Continue reading
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Pain and Tardiness
My body has been hurting so, so bad this week. I’m in the middle of a fucking inflammatory arthritic flare now. My right knee hurts so, so, so bad. And so does the left one, and my left foot, and… Continue reading
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A Medication Change
I’m waiting on a call back from the nurse at my mental health clinic again. I left a voicemail again on Wednesday, but I’m trying to not be annoying to the nurse at the same time. When I did talk… Continue reading
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Medication Adjustment
Well, I’ve been feeling better the past couple of days. Getting out from under the couch blankets to finally walk Bruce around yesterday and today was nice. My cough is still around but the wheezing has let up. I feel… Continue reading
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Trusting Myself
I’ve been having symptoms kick up with my pain levels remaining quite high still. I also have an infection in a tooth of mine and am in need of a horribly helpful root canal. Boo. They’re just so uncomfortable. I… Continue reading
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Pain Levels and Depression Medication
My inflammatory osteoarthritis hasn’t been letting me sleep at all this week. Well, it’s been six days now of not being able to stay asleep through even half the night. It’s terrible really. I’m exhausted and can’t sleep because my… Continue reading
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Dreams or Thoughts
I keep having these recurring things in my dreams. I’m always carrying a backpack or bag that’s too way way way too heavy for me. Like, once it’s off my back it takes someone helping me to get it back… Continue reading
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Imposter
It’s been feeling like I don’t have much to write about the last few weeks. I’ve been posting still, but I’m back to once a week right now for the most part. I sometimes wonder if the pain that comes… Continue reading
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Suicidal Ideations
I know this will be hard for a lot of people to read, so consider this a trigger warning that suicidal ideations and thoughts are to heavily follow this sentance. I have been obsessing over this lump that I have… Continue reading
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Fixations and Bruce Wayne
I have this strange lump on the right side of my neck. I’m hoping it’s just a cyst or something harmless. And I won’t know much about it till Wednesday, when I have a follow up after the ultrasound tomorrow.… Continue reading
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The Foot Shuffle and Other Unhelpful Side Effects
There are several side effects from the Haldol that I’ve been dealing with. They’re pretty frustrating and annoying all at once. I know I’ve talked about the drooling. That’s still happening. It sneaks out of the corners of my mouth… Continue reading
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More Auditory Hallucinations
There have still been some breakthrough symptoms being on the Haldol now. But there nowhere near where they were. And they’re showing up a little differently than they have been. The past couple of nights – after it gets dark… Continue reading
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Medical Trauma
I have been in and out of doctors offices since I was born. I was on medication for my hypothyroidism before leaving the hospital after birth. That led to countless blood draws over the years. When I was younger I… Continue reading
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Anything Goes
Now that I’m getting used to the Haldol, I’ve been able to think again today. And clearer than I’ve been able to yet, which is such a welcomed and very promising feeling. Last week was no good for that, but… Continue reading
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Nomadic Protection
I’ve been told that I tend to drop things and want to leave people, places, and things once things get a touch easy. Or hard. Or stangent. Or if I just get straight up bored. I know I’ve thrived in… Continue reading
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The Right People
It’s really hard to wrap my head around things when I don’t remember much. I can’t recall much at all about anything. Why things went sour with someone. What I was thinking. Why this, that, or the other happened. I… Continue reading
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Delusions
It’s all the same. The general idea for my delusions are all pretty much the same base. Someone is after me. Out to get me. Spying on me. Stalking me. Watching me. I call all of these things hallucinations all… Continue reading
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Visual Hallucinations
I’m having a hard time letting myself just be today. I’m tired. Which probably doesn’t help. I feel like I should be doing more of something. But I don’t know what. And I don’t have the energy right now, anyway.… Continue reading
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“Anosognosia” and Delusions
I’m forty years old. And I didn’t understand that the voices I hear are actually hallucinations, until I was thirty eight. I thought they were my thoughts. My internal system. The paranormal. The voices are a nonstop discourse of layered… Continue reading
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Inflammation
It’s always there. Inflammation is. I feel puffy. Everywhere. And do almost all the time. It’s gotten better since I cut out dairy products. But good lort. It can calm down anytime now. But I know it won’t without medication.… Continue reading
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Medication Adjustments
This is my 70th entry. This one right here. I never thought I’d continue to follow through with this blog. It’s rewarding. Therapeutic. Satisfying. And I’m getting quite proud of my continued growth. I was looking at some of my… Continue reading
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2020
I’ve been pretty reflective the past couple days. I’m glad to be able to be today. It’s not always an option for me. I was thinking about my divorce. It was finalized three years ago last month. I was thinking… Continue reading
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When My Anger Shows
I get so frustrated with myself. I’m still mad at myself. About raising my voice at the dentist’s office the other day. I hate that I do that shit. It’s super unhealthy. I don’t know why I do it. I… Continue reading
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The Water Park Bridge
Before my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, I had bipolar 1. It was always “severe”. And the mental health care folks that I was working with, knew something else was going on. They just weren’t sure of what. A few years… Continue reading
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Habits
I’m trying to reframe things in my mind as the weekend is about to hit again. I’ve just been so frustrated with everything the past few weeks. Everything kind of collapsed. I had to just sit and let the anger… Continue reading
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Self Harm *Trigger Warning*
I know this topic is very sensitive. I normally don’t put individual trigger warnings on my posts, but this one needs it. So, consider yourself warned. I have been writing off and on about this all week. I debated posting… Continue reading
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Mutating Appropriately
I met with the new-for-me NP at the mental health clinic I go to. The appointment went really well. I felt heard, finally. I was able to take in what was being said. I didn’t have a flood of uncontrollable… Continue reading
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Friends
I have no desire to have friends right now. I can’t tell if I’m telling myself that because I don’t have many at all, or because it’s a real thing. But I really don’t have the capability to be a… Continue reading
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Transition of Thought
My psychosis episodes warp everything. They pop up out of nowhere and run my entire life until they wear out. Then it can get quiet for a few days. Then it ramps right back up into me. I have been… Continue reading
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Daylio
Daylio is the name of my mood app. It’s an eye opening tool for me. I can track different moods that I have throughout the day. I can apply whatever “activity” or symptoms within those different moods. Everything is super… Continue reading
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Self Loathing
I’ve been officially clinically depressed since high school. My very first diagnosis was major depressive disorder. A couple years later, the bipolar 1 came along, with its friends surfacing throughout the following years. My darkness just is. That’s the way… Continue reading
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Paranoia, Hallucination and Delusion
As long as I can remember it’s felt like someone is watching me. I have “heard” friends talking about me since I was fifteen. When I look at the few memories I have, it feels like there was always someone,… Continue reading
A Delusional Predisposition 