This week I’ve still been feeling pretty dark.

Not actively, quite subconsciously.

Deep, deep, deep down.

I’ve struggled with depression since I was around twelve or thirteen years old.

I’m trying so hard to not be depressed (like I can).

But, I eat right, I walk everyday, I have an esa dog (emotional support animal), I take my meds everyday, I go to therapy every week, I get outside every day.

Nothing’s helping.

I know that depression is there, and is out of my control.

It’s a perpetual state of sad blahness.

Antsy, slightly bored but unable to really think due to a constant state of fogginess. 

I don’t want a med change with it.

The Prozac is working just fine.

It’s doing what it can.

This is just so deep down inside of me it’s going to take a lot more time to work through.

I’m talking years down the road I might be able to be doing better if it’s ever possible.

It’s seemingly a never ending struggle.

I’ve delt with it for almost thirty years of my life, which is wild to think about.

I’ve thought about electric shock therapies.

Because depression and sadness the feelings I can relate to the most.

I get the darkness.

I understand it’s chaos.

It’s when it grabs ahold of the base of my brain and creeps up that I lose control.

Before it grabs me, and is just existing, I’m able to keep trudging through, it’s when it gets too strong is where I have to succumb.

There’s not a choice.

So I have to do little things when I can afford them.

So, I’m going to a show in Austin next month to see one of my favorite hiphop artists, Blueprint.

I’m excited.

I’ve met him before, when I lived in Missoula, Montana.

He had a show where his hype/promotional guy left half way through his tour, so there were very few people in attendance because no one knew he was in town.

But he put on a show for me and a group of close friends, though we were all strangers.

Then I saw him in Denver too, a year or so later, we hugged, he remembered me.

It’s been a while since he toured with Covid and everything so I’m geeked he’s getting at it again.

But that’s one good thing that’s happening soon.

And I’m glad I’m excited for it, and not anxious about it.

Though I’m sure as it gets closer to happening I’ll become a little anxious.

I’m going by myself.

It’ll be good.

Anyway, it’s a light bulb in the midst of the darkness that is my life.

I have been doing everything in my control to help curb these feelings.

These waves of self loathing and tears.

I’ve been crying more lately.

I have fits where I can’t cry and that gets really frustrating.

But I think getting off of the Haldol really helped with me being able to emote a lot, a lot easier.

I think I was over medicated.

I can now see why my psych NP didn’t want me on two antipsychotics at the same time.

My Mom said the other day that she thinks the Paliperidone tablets have been helping me a lot.

She says my demeanor is lighter and she’s been hearing me laugh more.

That’s encouraging to hear.

I just wish I felt the way I can come off as being.

If that makes sense.

I guess I look better than I feel.

Which is okay.

But I can’t go back to masking everything so much that I can’t hear myself cry for help.

That’s old, shitty behavior and is completely useless.

And I know I won’t go back there, back to not knowing what’s going on with me.

Not when I can help it at least.

I know too much about it now.

But that’s not to say that I will never buy into a delusional way of thinking in the future.

Because that’s always a possibility.

Depression is deadly.

It’s painful and isolating. 

And the darkness can be so thick that folks can’t see any light at all.

Which terrifies me.

I’ve been there, it’s the most agonizing place to be in.

I’ve tried, and for some reason I always live through any attempt to take my own life.

I’ve eaten handfuls of pills.

But nothing seemed to work ever.

I always woke up the next day.

Sometimes feeling like shit, but I still woke up.

So, here I am, trying my hardest to live with depression.

I fight to keep it below the base of my neck.

It’s been very tough to keep it at bay lately.

It’s been taking a lot more work to do so.

And I can only do so much.

– Keren