I have been feeling very, very “meh” lately.

Not good.

Not bad.

In the middle.

Sorta feeling blah and frustrated with myself.

I haven’t been writing as much lately.

Writing an entry is becoming a chore for me and I hate that feeling.

I hate feeling like I have to write, but I need some sort of structure and adherence and meaning with something in my life.

And writing is usually something I enjoy.

But lately I just haven’t felt like thinking, so I just haven’t been.

And I really, really doubt that’s a healthy behavior.

I’ve just been laying on my couch watching television.

I wish I could say for hours but it’s been weeks now.

Physically I feel stiff and sore.

I still have been walking Bruce, but that’s about it.

I just can’t fathom doing anything more.

I can’t do anything more.

My body and mind just won’t let me.

If I do, my knees and/or back is killing me instantly or my mental illness symptoms kick back up.

There’s part of me that gets frustrated with myself with all of these ups and downs.

Like there’s something I can do to stop them.

I know I can’t.

I know it’s out of my control.

That’s just part of what makes it so miserable.

It feels like I should be able to control this.

It really does feel like I’m just being lazy.

But I know sunshine or a walk isn’t gonna do shit for my motivation or giving a shit about self care.

(I’m working on it.)

I do honestly have to remind myself that my negative symptoms are just as terrible as the positive ones.

They just show up differently.

Negative symptoms are ugly.

They make me feel so gross really.

It’s disgusting to not shower, but I don’t do it enough.

It’s awful to not brush my teeth, but I don’t do it enough.

It’s terrible to let the dust bunnies multiply, but I can’t do anything about it.

Not today.

It feels like I am made of sand bags and have to move slowly.

Like I’m weighted down somehow.

And my arthritis isn’t helping any of it.

A lot of that has to do with depression symptoms too and that’s not the only sign.

I haven’t been finding pleasure in anything besides sleep the past month now.

Maybe even a couple weeks longer than that.

I just feel miserable.

I feel sick without the symptoms.

I just have this thick fatigue that will not let go.

The body soreness from having the flu without the stuffy nose or puking.

I just always want to sleep and it’s getting old but I can’t change it.

It just is.

I just feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation where I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t.

I feel like I’m backed into a corner.

I’ve been hearing a lot of radio noise lately.

More random music in the faded background and staticky voices murmuring.

Not many loud voices this week until last night there was some.

But I find myself really struggling with all the things.

Negative symptoms are running rampant over me and it’s hard to tell if it’s from that or depression, or my thyroid levels being off or a combination of all the things.

It’s just so frustrating, wanting to sleep all the time.

I feel like I need to rest after any social interaction.

I’m drained nowadays.

I just don’t have the energy.

– Keren