I’ve been having more good days than bad since getting used to the Haldol.

Voices and visual hallucinations have been quiet and few, further between.

It’s so fucking refreshing.

My hallucinations have been showing up in smaller ways.

And my delusions are down to a very very dull roar.

I’ve been seeing the soot sprites, as I call them.

They’re just tiny little oval or round black fuzzy blobs that race across my field of vision.

Regardless of where I am.

But they usually dart across the floor, or hover just above and dart.

My delusions have been getting better.

Which is lowering my paranoia and anxiety.

It’s actually funny because I do my best to ignore my third floor neighbors, right?

The same ones I have constant hallucinations and delusions of.

In all honesty they talk way too much about nothing and I’m not a fan of either of them.

In fact, her adult son gives me the creeps.

Which is why I think my mental illness has taken them in for fuel in the first place.

But since she accused me of something I didn’t do back in December, I haven’t been talking to them much because I just don’t like them.

And I don’t owe them anything, including conversation.

So, I keep my distance.

Saying that, they’ve just now been picking up the hint that I’m not a fan of them.

I waved at him the other day and he didn’t wave back.

I saw her when I was out walking Bruce and she acted like I wasn’t there.

I have to tell y’all – I’m pretty fucking stoked about them not interacting with me!

It gives me room to breathe.

I don’t like them, and it only took them nine months to pick up the hints.

They’re boundary busters and I’m so grateful they don’t want to interact with me anymore because that’s all I’ve wanted since I moved into this apartment basically.

Don’t get me wrong, I generally don’t mind talking to my neighbors.

But I don’t have to be their friend all the time either.

I have actually held back my annoyance for them because it’s not a big deal.

We’re not friends, we’re neighbors.

And I know I have to interact with them at times.

But I’m endlessly glad they’re not communicating with me at all anymore.

It’s really amazing.

I laughed so hard for the first day that they ignored me.

I came back into my apartment and just started cracking up.

Now I could honestly cry, I’m so happy.

And I know this has aided in my fading delusions the past week or so.

Well, it started fading with the Haldol addition and has just gotten better since they stopped interacting with me.

It’s amazing what my mind can do when I’m uncomfortable with my surroundings.

And the feeling that I’m being watched – that paranoia, has faded to half of what it was because of everything.

I have a tendency to fixate on people around me.

I’m just realizing this as I’m writing.

I don’t know why that is.

I used to think of it as “vibes”, ya know?

Like it feels like some people are almost safer than others right off the bat.

But it’s not always a reflection of the person, more of what I feel about the person.

I’ve chucked most of the “vibes” thing into the supernatural bucket and leave them there.

I can’t really have a gray area with that, otherwise I fall right back into the mind reading and thought broadcasting delusions.

So I have to be really careful when even thinking about someone’s “vibe”.

I like to think of it more as a feeling I’m having about someone and less of something unseen that someone is projecting.

I have to keep things pretty strictly compartmentalized.

Just so what I’m thinking or doing does not purposely and negatively impact what my symptoms are feeding off of.

Or at least, I try to minimize the impact when and where I can.

I’m just beyond grateful to be able to do what I can do now.

To think in the ways I can think now.

To realize what affects my symptoms, and try to steer clear from that.

I wrote all of this the day before yesterday and that night I had heavy, heavy auditory hallucinations that were mimicking my third floor neighbors for about an hour or so.

They were narrating and commenting on everything I was doing.

I breathed through it and kept telling myself it’s not real, ignored it as much as possible, and it faded surprisingly quickly.

Although it did have me shaking, and amp up my paranoia for about thirty minutes.

When I write about things, sometimes they manifest quickly after the fact.

It’s curious.

I think it’s just my mind playing tricks on me like it does.

– Keren