Sometimes I feel like my depression takes a back seat to my other symptoms, especially my hallucinations and delusions.

I get so worked up over them that I become blind to my darkness.

It gets twisted into everything else.

There are other times when all I can feel is my depression and my body aches with a deep sadness.

The darkness of depression has been with me the longest.

I have had many suicide attempts because of it.

My depression gripped me around age 13.

I remember telling my mother that I wanted to drive the family car into a tree while driving it.

I didn’t.

But I’ve wanted to countless times over the years.

When I confessed that, I got sent to therapy.

I can’t blame my parents for doing that, that’s some heavy shit and I would’ve done the same thing had I been in their shoes.

I’m grateful they sent me.

Even though all I remember doing was drawing pictures in therapy, it let me know where to go when feeling this way.

My darkness of depression has been a constant since that time.

Even though it gets muddled into other things at times, when things settle with my other symptoms, my depression will surface again.

It’s a feeling that’s tough to describe.

It’s thick and slow moving.

It makes my stomach feel hollow and ache.

It sends my body signals to no longer hold my weight.

It creates a filter of grayness with other emotions.

It makes my eyes dry and constantly want to close.

It surfaces as this pressure on my chest and it feels like a bag of bricks sitting there.

It gives me a feeling of extreme dread, like everything will go wrong and always has and always will.

It makes me feel like my future is not available, and all I can see is darkness around me for the rest of my life.

It makes me hate myself.

It tells me the only way out is suicide.

It’s a dark place to be.

Lately my depression has been showing up as a complete lack of interest.

I haven’t been able to care about much the past couple of months.

Maybe part of that is from my Grandmother’s passing in late June too.

But I have had no motivation to do anything.

I usually love taking walks outside.

I haven’t cared about doing that all summer.

I usually love singing.

I haven’t been singing lately at all.

I usually love going for a drive.

I haven’t been wanting to go on a drive for a while now.

It’s like I have a lowered threshold when it comes to my darkness creeping in.

Like I can’t handle as much as I can other times.

I do one thing, like pickup curbside groceries, and I’m fucking spent for the entire day.

And I was like that before the recent medication changes too.

It’s like my ability to do anything is hindered.

And when I do get out and do things, after one or two errands, I get so frustrated, anxious and tired with everything that I have to go home right away.

I have been having a hard time cleaning my apartment.

I hate showering.

I ache inside and out.

And I have a really hard time remembering to brush my teeth.

It’s a hard thing to admit to.

Showering and self care is very difficult if not impossible when my depression is rampant.

Self care becomes a thing that I dread.

And it’s so difficult to do when I’m depressed that it creates a black hole of self loathing.

I can’t even fucking shower, how could I run an errand?

Then the intrusive thoughts start popping up.

I’m a worthless piece of shit.

I can’t even take care of myself.

Why would anyone love me, I’m awful.

Etc…

Depression can be sneaky too.

It shows up everywhere in my life.

Even in the muttered “yuck” I say to the reflection of myself.

My psych NP upped my dosage of Zoloft again this week.

I’m hopeful it helps to curb some of my darkness and obsessive thoughts surrounding it.

It’s so difficult to climb out of a depressive episode.

And it makes it harder when I compare it to my other symptoms, I feel weak.

But I’m grateful for the tools and people in my life right now to power through it.

Depression is a serious mental illness.

It kills people.

And folks need to know that it’s one of the deadliest mental illnesses out there.

Today I will continue to trudge through it.

– Keren