I’ve been told that I tend to drop things and want to leave people, places, and things once things get a touch easy.

Or hard.

Or stangent.

Or if I just get straight up bored.

I know I’ve thrived in chaos most of my life.

And I do have the tendency to bounce at the drop of a hat over anything.

I get sick of things and stop doing them.

From everything like therapy to my house and living situation.

That’s kinda what I do.

I protect myself by being nomadic.

By leaving it helps me to cope.

I left my ex husband – with good reason.

I’ve left the cities I’m living in.

I’ve left countless unfinished projects and ideas.

Countless programs and doctors.

I have been let go, fired from and quit dozens and dozens of jobs.

My mental illness gives me a tendency to feel extremely under and overwhelmed instantly, and I’ve always fallen into doing things very spontaneously.

Even when it hurts me.

But I always thought my actions were going to help me.

If I could just get a different job, if I could just find a different scene, things would be perfect and I’d never leave.

And then things get bad.

Or boring.

And I leave anyway.

Or stop going or whatever the situation is.

This is an ongoing pattern in my life and I never really noticed it until my Mom and I started talking about it the other day.

I was talking to her about how I’m sort of bored with my therapy right now.

I don’t feel like I’m being challenged enough and she told me that I do this often.

That I leave when things are comfortable or uncomfortable basically.

And she’s so right.

It made things kinda start clicking in my mind.

That I leave all the time.

That’s the one thing I do.

I couldn’t stand living in Montana anymore back in 2017, 2018.

I was getting extremely antsy.

So I applied for a good job at an organization I’d worked for before, just in Colorado and not in Montana in late 2017.

By the end of February of 2018 I had the job and they wanted me asap.

I think we had about a week or so to actually pack everything up and get moved to Colorado.

I was still married at the time and I remember my ex being frustrated with me and how quickly everything was moving but I thrive under pressure, and we got to Denver and I started my job while we crashed with one of my friends for the first month.

Things worked out.

They may be tough at first but new places are comforting to me for some reason.

I think I’ve always wanted to reinvent myself into someone healthy, and that will obviously happen if I move to a new city.

Obviously I’ll be different somewhere else.

I used to tell coworkers that I was bored all the time.

We’d be busy and have a ton of work to do and I’d turn to someone and tell them I’m bored.

I was being funny, but I would be genuinely bored at the same time.

Regardless if I’m working a rush at a beer store or wherever.

I’d be fucking bored.

But I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything.

I get the same way with therapists.

They help me with one thing and then I want to move onto the next one because I don’t like some little thing that they do or say or don’t do and don’t say.

I can’t just sit and be uncomfortable.

Or comfortable.

It’s very, very difficult for me, as I assume that is for most people.

But my literal boredom wins most times and I move on.

Looking at that this is probably why I have a hard time keeping friends too.

I feel overwhelmed when people want to talk to me and I crave the attention of people who don’t want to be around me.

It’s brutal.

And I’m slowly realizing I need to move one last time and settle.

I’m not in a place where I see myself long term.

But I’m allowing myself one more move because I need to be stable with my living situation.

And I’ve stayed where I am now for long enough and have been working on myself non stop for a year and a half now.

This time the move will be different.

I’m different.

This time, when I move, I’m moving back to Michigan and I intend on staying there for the foreseeable future.

But I don’t feel as rushed to leave here as I did in 2022.

I don’t recall the move away from Denver, so I’ve felt out of place here in Texas since I snapped out of it on antipsychotics mid 2022.

The last move is an empty void in my mind like most things in my past.

But I’m hopeful that moving back to familiar territory, in time, will be comforting.

But I don’t know if I’ll ever find what I’m looking for because I don’t know what that is.

– Keren