My auditory hallucinations – voices, have been strong this week.

Last night especially.

They’ve been so strong that I have been extremely paranoid all week and it’s getting worse with the hours passing.

At least I still went through with my aquatic workout class this morning at the gym.

I almost didn’t go again.

Because I feel like people are out to get me.

Kidnap me.

Incarcerate me.

Hurt me.

Kill me.

The voices tell me they’ll kill me a lot.

I see cops and anxiety instantly washes over me.

They have guns, and power.

I’ve always had delusions that cops and authority figures are out to get me.

It feels like my heart is trying to jump out of me when I see them.

There is a similar feeling that I get when I actually see people that my voices mimic.

Like my neighbors.

And that’s as simple as seeing them pass by the window, let alone hearing them (the voices) while inside my apartment.

Yesterday afternoon I went outside to let Bruce out and smoke a cigarette and I heard them talking outside, upstairs. 

Loud.

Crystal clear.

Talking about why I’m outside.

What I’m doing.

How I’m doing it.

Where I’m doing it.

The thing is that neither of their cars were in the lot.

I went back inside after hearing them to see, within a half hour, both of them pull into their spaces, and go upstairs.

I don’t always look to see that they’re up there when I hear them.

Because I know they’re not the bulk of the time.

I don’t want to encourage my command voices more than I do.

Their cars aren’t there.

And I know that half the time I see someone up there, no one is actually there.

I’m hearing them talking again today and their cars aren’t in the lot again.

And I know it’s irrational that they would be talking about me every single time I go outside.

And I know the enunciation is so clear with that distance between us, that I wouldn’t be able to hear a typical conversation like that.

I know I’m not the sole topic of conversation for anyone.

I gotta say, knowing that they’re hallucinations is different but the same as “knowing” everyone is talking about me behind my back.

It doesn’t make it easier.

It’s just more grounded in reality.

Hearing these fucking auditory hallucinations and knowing that they’re hallucinations should make life easier, right?

Having the knowledge that they’re not real.

The problem is that they sound real.

Super fucking real.

I can barely differentiate the hallucination voices from real voices.

They’re still there when I close my ears with my fingers.

They’re still there through the ear buds.

They’re still there when I’m inside.

They make me so super paranoid.

So paranoid that I don’t do much on days like this.

I can’t.

I don’t want to be away from my apartment.

My safe place.

Even though the voices do show up when I’m in my apartment.

They’re always more specific when that happens.

The comments go from vague to very specific.

From why I’m outside smoking to mimicking my talking to Bruce inside my apartment.

My paranoia for sure gets set off.

Even more so than when I’m outside and hear them.

I feel like there are eyes on me even when sitting at home.

I know people can see in when I have my blinds open.

But I don’t want to totally shut myself off to sunlight.

So I leave them open during the day.

But I don’t like people being able to see me.

To see inside.

Because I already feel like they’re watching.

Lurking.

Waiting.

Today I don’t want to feel this way.

I ate junk food for the second day in a row.

I noticed that I’m attempting to numb myself with what I have.

Which isn’t okay.

But at least it’s not drugs anymore, right?

At least I’m not using.

And at least I don’t drink anymore.

If I did, I can tell you right now I’d have been wasted today and gotten day drunk.

But I didn’t.

So maybe some junk food isn’t so bad.

But it’s still a numbing agent.

Granted I am still in a grip of physical pain as per usual as well.

But it’s like I slowly pick at myself.

A slow self sabotage attempt because I can’t control my surroundings and mind.

I know being able to catch and notice this type of shit is huge.

But it doesn’t take away the paranoia.

It doesn’t stop it.

It doesn’t stop the fucking voices.

I’m just super annoyed and sad with things this week so far.

The voices have gotten super loud again today.

They’re narrating everything I’m doing inside again.

I was outside last night and either the voices or the neighbors were talking about me being two faced because I don’t look up and say hi every time I go out.

Because they were actually outside last night at this time.

I said hi because they were talking about how I wasn’t going to say hi.

As I was walking inside I heard them say that I only said that because they were just talking about me not saying hi.

But I don’t always.

Say hi to them.

I do ignore them a lot.

I ignore everyone a lot.

I talk the minimal amount with my neighbors.

Because of this.

Because why would they be talking about me?

And why could I hear it crystal clear?

I started panicking and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.

Why are the neighbors stalking me?

Are they really?

Did I just hear these things because my mind is doing what it does and the paranoia is just feeding it like an endless cycle?

– Keren