A Delusional Predisposition

pain

  • Neutrality

    So, I have a really, really tough time trying to “love” myself. This isn’t a new thing either. It’s not like I woke up this morning and realized this. I’ve hated myself for so many decades that the thought of… Continue reading

    Neutrality

  • EMDR Work and a Nutritionist Appointment 

    I’ve been doing EMDR therapy with my one on one therapist for a while now. She’s been having me write down my triggers throughout the weeks. And I’ve noticed that as we go on, I’m getting triggered less and less.… Continue reading

    EMDR Work and a Nutritionist Appointment 

  • Voices and Even More Appointments 

    I had a couple following me the other day. I smelled a thick fog of weed smoke as I was walking Bruce, at the front of the apartment complex. As I smelled it, and Bruce smelled the ground, the couple… Continue reading

    Voices and Even More Appointments 

  • Food and Hallucinations (and More Doctor Appointments)

    I keep having weeks so busy that I have no time to write. I keep forgetting to fill out my mood app every day too. Then I have to go back and try to remember what was going on on… Continue reading

    Food and Hallucinations (and More Doctor Appointments)

  • And Even More Doctor Appointments…

    I had a lot more doctors appointments this week. I had sclerotherapy done on my left leg on Tuesday this week. One down by my ankle and another in my back calf – both on the left leg. It burned… Continue reading

    And Even More Doctor Appointments…

  • The Doctor Said…

    I started crying today. Because of stupid facebook and a bunch of other stuff. But I’m telling you, every single time that I try to reach out or comment on someone’s post on facebook, it backfires on me. People end… Continue reading

    The Doctor Said…

  • EMDR and Pain and Memory

    I’m still in a lot of pain this week. My pain levels have been waking me up at night, every night. It’s quite exhausting. I’ve at least been able to take naps this week. I’m not always able to. But… Continue reading

    EMDR and Pain and Memory

  • Psychosis, EMDR, and Pain Levels

    The other day I was walking Bruce and I had a big visual hallucination. It was like the world was suddenly zooming out. I was looking down the sidewalk, and things were getting further away. Like in the cartoons. This… Continue reading

    Psychosis, EMDR, and Pain Levels

  • Schizoaffective Disorder and Money

    It’s been a slow moving week. I suppose that’s a good thing. I’ve been sorta unmotivated lately – unfocused. I can’t help but worry about the future. I’m paranoid about the next steps and what that looks like in my… Continue reading

    Schizoaffective Disorder and Money

  • Vein Ablations and Therapy

    So, the vein ablations are done. Thank goodness. The photo with this entry shows just how drastic of a difference the procedures have made. It’s amazing. I mean, I knew my feet and legs were discolored and swollen, but I… Continue reading

    Vein Ablations and Therapy

  • Trauma, Pain Levels, and ADHD

    I woke up in incredible amounts of pain on Wednesday this week. Incredible. I could barely fucking move. When I finally did, I had to move very, very slowly. Even on my morning walk with Bruce that day, I had… Continue reading

    Trauma, Pain Levels, and ADHD

  • C•PTSD and Trauma (Medical and Authoritative) 

    I’m 99.9% sure of my PTSD is actually C•PTSD.  I’ve never really given it much thought until this last weekend. I mean, I have, but I haven’t put that much thought into it. I guess I never really looked up… Continue reading

    C•PTSD and Trauma (Medical and Authoritative) 

  • Anesthetics Frustrations But Then a Surprisingly Good Visit With My Psych NP

    I’m angry this week. Frustrated is maybe a better word. I know it’s from the anesthetics last week. I know it is. It’s always like this. After every procedure. I really wish it wasn’t like this though. It’s super annoying.… Continue reading

    Anesthetics Frustrations But Then a Surprisingly Good Visit With My Psych NP

  • Being Social With Schizoaffective Disorder

    I don’t know why I can’t just go out and about and be happy that someone wants to spend time with me. Oh wait, I do know why, it’s the voices. They’re always fucking shit up. Everytime I’m away from… Continue reading

    Being Social With Schizoaffective Disorder

  • Capacity

    I was having a brunch date with someone Saturday (it went really well!) and he reminded me that people only have so much capacity to deal with things, or to be there for others. Whatever things those may be. Whatever… Continue reading

    Capacity

  • The Bug Situation and Being Emotional

    This is how my week started… It’s Monday, and I have been so incredibly, unbearably anxious and paranoid lately. Like, crying at least several times every single day, for the past several weeks. And I don’t know what to do… Continue reading

    The Bug Situation and Being Emotional

  • I’m Not Who I Once Was

    I used to freak the fuck out. Over react to everything. Screaming. Yelling. Texting people nonstop about my random issues and problems. I answered the phone today when I shouldn’t have. I was frustrated about my car air and vents… Continue reading

    I’m Not Who I Once Was

  • I Don’t Think I’m Bipolar, And I’m Mindblown

    Again, I’m going to talk about my last psychotic episode. The one I had that ended last week, er, the week before, now. It lasted longer than I thought. Well, it started further back than I originally thought. I went… Continue reading

    I Don’t Think I’m Bipolar, And I’m Mindblown

  • After The Second Procedure

    So, I had my latest procedure, a vein ablation this last week, last Tuesday. They did the other GSV, in my right leg this time. And at the follow up ultrasound appointment last Friday, a week ago, I was told… Continue reading

    After The Second Procedure

  • The Difference Between A Manic and A Psychotic Episode

    I realized that I trailed off in the middle of my last entry. I started talking about how I got triggered and just sort of ended the entry after that, ha!  Sorry y’all! So, now I want to pick up… Continue reading

    The Difference Between A Manic and A Psychotic Episode

  • This Last Episode

    Welp, I renewed my domain name and subscription and whatnot with WordPress today.  I’ve been writing at least once a week for this blog since 2022. Part of me says why stop now? Keep bitching and moaning. So here I… Continue reading

    This Last Episode

  • The Difference Between Paranoia and Anxiety

    The past couple of weeks have been difficult. And last weekend was really hard. But I’ve been hanging out at my therapist’s office a lot. There’s an art room there that’s just open most of the day for people to… Continue reading

    The Difference Between Paranoia and Anxiety

  • I Realized I was Depressed and Paranoid

    I’m still upset at life. I still don’t know if I’m going to continue writing this blog or not. It’ll have been three years of it already in a few weeks. I haven’t decided if I’ll renew my domain name… Continue reading

    I Realized I was Depressed and Paranoid

  • I’ve Just Been Sad The Past Few Weeks

    It’s been a rough few weeks. This week was no exception. I’ve been agitated. I’ve been depressed. I can’t help but think that a psychosis episode is around the corner. I’m “due” for one, even though I hate saying that.… Continue reading

    I’ve Just Been Sad The Past Few Weeks

  • My Various History of Hallucinations and Delusions

    This is a long entry, I hope you find it as interesting as I do. I’ve been listening to the subject matter more of the background hallucinations I hear. I realized some of these are called “internal auditory hallucinations” –… Continue reading

    My Various History of Hallucinations and Delusions

  • I Hate Arthritis

    I have this giant entry all written up on my auditory hallucinations that I was going to post today. It’s a continuation from last week. But I’ll post that next week, or maybe in a day or two. I have… Continue reading

    I Hate Arthritis

  • I Had An Incident With My Now Ex-Therapist

    It was halfway through with my therapy session and I was in a slight conversational lull and suddenly Jessie, the therapist who’s quitting in two weeks, after being in the office for about six months, started talking about her leaving,… Continue reading

    I Had An Incident With My Now Ex-Therapist

  • Trusting Myself For The First Time

    All I’ve been doing the past few weeks is walking for my vein ablation recovery instructions. It’s been engulfing. Which is kinda nice because I feel like I haven’t had much time to think about a lot. Even though I… Continue reading

    Trusting Myself For The First Time

  • I’m Feeling Like Isolating

    I saw this meme quote thing the other day. It said something to the extent that trauma can make someone feel that they need to isolate. And I’ve been thinking about that a lot this week. I even talked about… Continue reading

    I’m Feeling Like Isolating

  • The First Vein Ablation

    This was an eventful week. I’ve been busy and tired, but good. Voices have been acting up but not terribly bad, they’ve just been mildly annoying. Just mainly while I’m out on walks, like they do. They did better again… Continue reading

    The First Vein Ablation

  • Thought Loss

    I’ve been dealing with a lot of thought loss the last few years. And it’s gotten better. But it’s much worse than it used to be. And I talk about this a lot. You know when you’re mid thought, mid… Continue reading

    Thought Loss

  • A Vein Ablation and Weight Loss

    I’m having a decent week, finally. After episodes of pain, psychosis, depression, anxiety, more pain, more psychosis, more depression and then even more pain and then even more psychosis and then even more anxiety, I can finally, finally breathe today.… Continue reading

    A Vein Ablation and Weight Loss

  • The Transitional Times

    I don’t know how I feel this week. Monday I was severely anxious. Tuesday I was in a terrible mood, but social. Wednesday I was withdrawn and was quite literally aching with loneliness. Thursday I was completely anxious all day… Continue reading

    The Transitional Times

  • I Forgot That I Remembered It Wrong

    My brain feels shriveled after that psychotic episode this last week. I’m just now resurfacing. It’s Saturday and I still can’t think properly. My body is fucking killing me. I mean, I’ve been walking more lately – trying to lose… Continue reading

    I Forgot That I Remembered It Wrong

  • The Voices and Being Followed

    Mental illness is bizarre. When the Paliperidone first started to clear up the bulk of my voices last year, I felt like I was always around people. Granted, I worked retail at the time too, so I was. But even… Continue reading

    The Voices and Being Followed

  • Is This Optimism?

    I’m wearing two pairs of pants today. I’ve got leggings on, under my jeans. It’s 30° outside here in Texas, and that’s cold as fuck for here. I’m not used to the cold anymore. It’s refreshing, but foreign feeling. As… Continue reading

    Is This Optimism?

  • ADHD and Medication Changes

    I’ve been feeling a bit better in my lumbar ablation recovery. Walking good and eating less. Trying to at least. This week has been decent with those types of things. Could be better. But it also could be a lot… Continue reading

    ADHD and Medication Changes

  • Hallucinations and an Ablation

    It’s Sunday afternoon and my back pain is making me nauseous. It’s 4:16pm and all i’ve had is a Red Bull and a Chobani Flip. Quite a stark contrast from the last few days. I hurt. My lower back feels… Continue reading

    Hallucinations and an Ablation

  • My Eating is an Addiction

    My eating is an addiction. I want that immediate pleasure from food. I want that instant satisfaction. And I wanted it yesterday. And every day I wake up telling myself that today is going to be the day where I… Continue reading

    My Eating is an Addiction

  • Pain, Inflammation, and a Crappy U.S. Doctor

    I’m in so much pain. So. Much. Pain. And it feels like no one cares. I know people do, but I hate complaining about it at the same time so I try really hard not to. But I’ve been crying… Continue reading

    Pain, Inflammation, and a Crappy U.S. Doctor

  • The Intensity of Inflammation

    I had been off Prozac for about a week, week and a half, before starting back up on the 20mg capsules yesterday (it’s Tuesday) I can’t do life without a SSRI. Fuck that bullshit. I have some capsules left, so… Continue reading

    The Intensity of Inflammation

  • Physical Pain

    I don’t feel like writing this week. I’ve tried. I’ve written like six or seven half entires, trying to get something together for this blog this week. And I can’t seem to focus. It’s super rainy today. And it’s been… Continue reading

    Physical Pain

  • Weight and Sweat

    I just noticed I’ve been avoiding taking my picture again lately. I know I hate how heavy I am again. I’ve gained what feels like a ton of weight back after losing 100lbs. It’s not a ton, but I have… Continue reading

    Weight and Sweat

  • Hoping I Don’t Crash

    I got one of the sun shine mimicking lightbulbs. Well, technically it’s a two pack. And I put one in my lamp in the living room the other day and really like it so far. I was hoping it’d be… Continue reading

    Hoping I Don’t Crash

  • Medication Change, Continued

    The medication change is going. Not well, not bad, not great, just going. I don’t know what I expected to feel besides something different. I decided to cut my antipsychotic in half on top of everything else. I know what… Continue reading

    Medication Change, Continued

  • Medications: Part Twelve

    I’m coming off of my Buspirone this weekend. Fuck that shit. I’m sick of it. It doesn’t work. I’m sick of the medication fillers that puff my body up. That makes my vision blurry. That makes my body feel stagnant… Continue reading

    Medications: Part Twelve

  • Weight Gain Sucks

    I’ve been better about writing this week. I just seemingly can’t write anything I’d like to post. So this is me giving it yet another shot with this entry. Hopefully this one will be the winner. My weight is getting… Continue reading

    Weight Gain Sucks

  • The Flare

    I haven’t written shit this week because I was in the middle of a fucking arthritic flare. It’s been pretty bad honestly. My body was attacking itself all month really. On and off and then on full force again. It… Continue reading

    The Flare

  • Medications: Part Eleven

    (this is my longest entry yet) This week has been good. Very few symptoms, but my anxiety is still rampant. I don’t think it’ll ever go away. Nor the voices. I did have a few voices the other night and… Continue reading

    Medications: Part Eleven

  • Vacation

    I’m on the plane now to Seattle. I ‘m sitting here cramped into a seat becasue my ass is too fat, ha! The woman next to me is adjusting her position every five seconds and it’s annoying as hell. I’m… Continue reading

    Vacation

  • A Nightmare and Other Stuff Like Vacation

    I had a dream the other night that I was stabbed again. But this time it wasn’t real. I woke up out of breath. I had gotten into some sort of altercation with another woman and she stabbed me in… Continue reading

    A Nightmare and Other Stuff Like Vacation

  • Delusions and Healthcare Crap

    I’m feeling like part of my fear about fires that I’ve been writing about is partially a delusion that I’m working through. Sure it’s anxiety too. For sure it is. But I feel like the bigger part of it is… Continue reading

    Delusions and Healthcare Crap

  • Prescriptions and Pharmacies

    Oh my god I hate dealing with pharmacies. Everytime I transfer something or try to fill something I’m met with a fucking brick wall. It’s really rare that a pharmacist cares about what’s happening, but I have that at CVS… Continue reading

    Prescriptions and Pharmacies

  • Inflammation

    As I write this my normally very narrow ankles are the size between a baseball and a softball. Both of them. My knees are swollen too and so are my shoulders and my back. I can feel them. I can… Continue reading

    Inflammation

  • That Dental Disease

    Well I knew this but I didn’t know it was that bad. I have Periodontal Disease. And it’s gotten quite a bit worse since the last time I was at the dentist just a few months ago. So much so… Continue reading

    That Dental Disease

  • Social Depletion

    I get so down on myself sometimes. I hang out with someone and just end up going home after two hours because I can’t handle being out in public. And I was just sitting at a friends house. I get… Continue reading

    Social Depletion

  • Addiction Tools

    I’m super antsy today. It’s Sunday afternoon and I feel like doing something. But I don’t know what to do and don’t really want to spend any money and everywhere is closed today. So I ate something and am now… Continue reading

    Addiction Tools

  • Anxiety and Approval

    I’ve had several panic attacks in the past week. Big panic attacks. So much so that I debated going to the ER with one of them. But I think that my disability appeals have finally been approved. I’m pretty sure… Continue reading

    Anxiety and Approval

  • The Physical Effects of Antipsychotics: Part Two

    I know I was in some sort of psychotic episode the last week or five because now I don’t feel like I have anything to say. I feel boring, bland. I feel dull and uninteresting. I feel like I have… Continue reading

    The Physical Effects of Antipsychotics: Part Two

  • Medications: Part Ten

    Today is the two year anniversary of A Delusional Predisposition. I can’t believe I’ve been writing this blog that long. Kinda hard to believe. And what better way to bring in the new year than with a medication post. I… Continue reading

    Medications: Part Ten

  • Medications: Part Nine

    *TW: Self Harm* I had my hearing yesterday morning for disability, and I’ll have the official answer, or decision rather, in a few months. So I have done all of the things in my power to get this approved and… Continue reading

    Medications: Part Nine

  • Pain and a Walker

    My pain levels are finally starting to recede! I hope I don’t jinx anything by saying that. And the pain isn’t all gone, it’s just dulling. It never fully leaves. But my inflammation is way, way, down and practically back… Continue reading

    Pain and a Walker

  • Suboxone

    I can barely walk again today. This is week three of intense pain levels that show no sign of slowing. I can barely sit up and go to the bathroom. Sitting down on the toilet with bad knees makes it… Continue reading

    Suboxone

  • Pain and Tardiness

    My body has been hurting so, so bad this week. I’m in the middle of a fucking inflammatory arthritic flare now. My right knee hurts so, so, so bad. And so does the left one, and my left foot, and… Continue reading

    Pain and Tardiness

  • Under the Weather

    I’ve had a terrible cold this week, so pardon me if this entry is not too terribly long or interesting. I honestly don’t have much to say I guess, I’ve been coughing and trying to rest, so we’ll see how… Continue reading

    Under the Weather

  • Pain Levels and Depression Medication

    My inflammatory osteoarthritis hasn’t been letting me sleep at all this week. Well, it’s been six days now of not being able to stay asleep through even half the night. It’s terrible really. I’m exhausted and can’t sleep because my… Continue reading

    Pain Levels and Depression Medication

  • A Weekend to Remember

    I had a wonderful weekend last week. It was full of a wedding and blissful food and amazing, loving people.  It was terrific. I only really had one hour or so of symptoms, hearing the other people that are really… Continue reading

    A Weekend to Remember

  • Pain Levels

    My left knee is killing me today and has been for several days now. It burns, is very stiff, and spazzes and aches terribly every time I get up and walk around. It’s difficult to walk this week. And I… Continue reading

    Pain Levels

  • Suicidal Ideations

    I know this will be hard for a lot of people to read, so consider this a trigger warning that suicidal ideations and thoughts are to heavily follow this sentance. I have been obsessing over this lump that I have… Continue reading

    Suicidal Ideations

  • Medical Trauma

    I have been in and out of doctors offices since I was born. I was on medication for my hypothyroidism before leaving the hospital after birth. That led to countless blood draws over the years. When I was younger I… Continue reading

    Medical Trauma

  • It’s Tiring: Part Two

    I was supposed to have an appointment with my prescriber (my psych NP) for my mental illness medications yesterday, but he called out and I got rescheduled. I did get my Invega injection at least. It was three days early… Continue reading

    It’s Tiring: Part Two

  • Debbie Downer

    I didn’t go to the gym again yesterday. I didn’t want to. Didn’t feel like it. It’s been a rough week. I did go to my schizophrenia support group online Thursday night though. So that helped a little bit. I… Continue reading

    Debbie Downer

  • It’s Tiring

    So I apologized to my neighbor today about my explosion yesterday and she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. Maybe I made it all up. Or she was drunk like she gets. But she literally… Continue reading

    It’s Tiring

  • Side Note 2

    These symptoms – hallucinations, delusions, paranoia.. they make me feel out of control. Like I don’t have a grip on my life. Like I’m lesser than a typical person because I can’t follow through with plans half of the time… Continue reading

    Side Note 2

  • Mind and Body

    I struggle with my mind and body giving out on me. The giving out of either part usually happens at different intervals. Different times. Several days of my mind not functioning properly. Then several days of my body not functioning… Continue reading

    Mind and Body

  • Medications: Part Six

    I was just sitting here thinking and realized that my having a better mood is directly coinciding with the rate at which my immunosuppressants for my arthritis have been working. It’s been about eight weeks of the weekly methotrexate and… Continue reading

    Medications: Part Six

  • Avolition and Pain Levels

    I’ve been begging myself to have motivation this month. This week has been more terrible than the week before in that regard. I haven’t done much the past two weeks. Rather, I couldn’t do much. I’m pretty sure I’m dealing… Continue reading

    Avolition and Pain Levels

  • Inflammation

    It’s always there. Inflammation is. I feel puffy. Everywhere. And do almost all the time. It’s gotten better since I cut out dairy products. But good lort. It can calm down anytime now. But I know it won’t without medication.… Continue reading

    Inflammation

  • Navigating My Mental Healthcare

    I feel like I’ve been busy this week. But really I’ve been preoccupied. I had an arthritis medication that the doctor’s office just simply wasn’t doing anything about.  I called each day this week. Because I had put in my… Continue reading

    Navigating My Mental Healthcare

  • Disconnections

    I realized I had a tooth ache on Sunday. I say that because I knew something was off. I knew my cheek had been sore. The past week or two. I’ve noticed some chewing issues. But it didn’t click. It… Continue reading

    Disconnections

  • Enhancing My Misery

    Through the struggle of keeping my darkness at bay. My body is rebelling. Friday the tenth was my fifth and final bilateral knee injection of the series of five that I had to get. Every Friday. For the past five… Continue reading

    Enhancing My Misery

  • Word Usage

    The overuse of certain mental illness words or symptoms is out of control. I’m sure it used to be much, much worse than it is now. But the stigma is still here. “Oh, they’re acting so manic.” “Oh, she’s crazy.”… Continue reading

    Word Usage

  • Stupid Arthritis

    I’ve been in a foul mood all week. I don’t talk much about my physical issues on here. But I decided it’s time to do so. My physical pain makes my mind bounce off the walls. It helps my darkness… Continue reading

    Stupid Arthritis