therapy
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Control
Something different for my blog post this week since I missed last week again… I read this for poetry night at my therapists office last week. It’s called Control… This turbulence seems to have subsided for now And I don’t… Continue reading
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Nano PRP and Group Therapy
It’s been a decent week. I got my nano PRP injections today (it’s Friday). The stem cells from umbilical cords. My knees feel cushioned this afternoon. So does my left big toe. My knees have been incredibly painful the past… Continue reading
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Weight and Hallucinations
I was down last week. That’s why I didn’t really write an entry. That and I was busy. There’s someone in my life who keeps bringing up my weight. And I don’t think they mean to hurt me, but they’re… Continue reading
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Neutrality
So, I have a really, really tough time trying to “love” myself. This isn’t a new thing either. It’s not like I woke up this morning and realized this. I’ve hated myself for so many decades that the thought of… Continue reading
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EMDR Work and a Nutritionist Appointment
I’ve been doing EMDR therapy with my one on one therapist for a while now. She’s been having me write down my triggers throughout the weeks. And I’ve noticed that as we go on, I’m getting triggered less and less.… Continue reading
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Food and Hallucinations (and More Doctor Appointments)
I keep having weeks so busy that I have no time to write. I keep forgetting to fill out my mood app every day too. Then I have to go back and try to remember what was going on on… Continue reading
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And Even More Doctor Appointments…
I had a lot more doctors appointments this week. I had sclerotherapy done on my left leg on Tuesday this week. One down by my ankle and another in my back calf – both on the left leg. It burned… Continue reading
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EMDR and Pain and Memory
I’m still in a lot of pain this week. My pain levels have been waking me up at night, every night. It’s quite exhausting. I’ve at least been able to take naps this week. I’m not always able to. But… Continue reading
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Psychosis, EMDR, and Pain Levels
The other day I was walking Bruce and I had a big visual hallucination. It was like the world was suddenly zooming out. I was looking down the sidewalk, and things were getting further away. Like in the cartoons. This… Continue reading
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Schizoaffective Disorder and Money
It’s been a slow moving week. I suppose that’s a good thing. I’ve been sorta unmotivated lately – unfocused. I can’t help but worry about the future. I’m paranoid about the next steps and what that looks like in my… Continue reading
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Vein Ablations and Therapy
So, the vein ablations are done. Thank goodness. The photo with this entry shows just how drastic of a difference the procedures have made. It’s amazing. I mean, I knew my feet and legs were discolored and swollen, but I… Continue reading
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Trauma, Pain Levels, and ADHD
I woke up in incredible amounts of pain on Wednesday this week. Incredible. I could barely fucking move. When I finally did, I had to move very, very slowly. Even on my morning walk with Bruce that day, I had… Continue reading
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C•PTSD and Trauma (Medical and Authoritative)
I’m 99.9% sure of my PTSD is actually C•PTSD. I’ve never really given it much thought until this last weekend. I mean, I have, but I haven’t put that much thought into it. I guess I never really looked up… Continue reading
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The Time I Started A Forest Fire
I had a good therapy session this week. My therapist has just gotten her EMDR certification a few weeks ago, maybe a month ago now. And she’s using me as a guinea pig – which I love. We worked on… Continue reading
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Anesthetics Frustrations But Then a Surprisingly Good Visit With My Psych NP
I’m angry this week. Frustrated is maybe a better word. I know it’s from the anesthetics last week. I know it is. It’s always like this. After every procedure. I really wish it wasn’t like this though. It’s super annoying.… Continue reading
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Being Social With Schizoaffective Disorder
I don’t know why I can’t just go out and about and be happy that someone wants to spend time with me. Oh wait, I do know why, it’s the voices. They’re always fucking shit up. Everytime I’m away from… Continue reading
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Capacity
I was having a brunch date with someone Saturday (it went really well!) and he reminded me that people only have so much capacity to deal with things, or to be there for others. Whatever things those may be. Whatever… Continue reading
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The Bug Situation and Being Emotional
This is how my week started… It’s Monday, and I have been so incredibly, unbearably anxious and paranoid lately. Like, crying at least several times every single day, for the past several weeks. And I don’t know what to do… Continue reading
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I’m Not Who I Once Was
I used to freak the fuck out. Over react to everything. Screaming. Yelling. Texting people nonstop about my random issues and problems. I answered the phone today when I shouldn’t have. I was frustrated about my car air and vents… Continue reading
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People Are Ridiculous
It’s been a stupid, shitty week again. High pain levels, and night terrors practically every night. My pain and night terrors have been taking turns waking me up every stupid fucking night. I’m exhausted. Last week was a doozy too.… Continue reading
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I Don’t Think I’m Bipolar, And I’m Mindblown
Again, I’m going to talk about my last psychotic episode. The one I had that ended last week, er, the week before, now. It lasted longer than I thought. Well, it started further back than I originally thought. I went… Continue reading
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After The Second Procedure
So, I had my latest procedure, a vein ablation this last week, last Tuesday. They did the other GSV, in my right leg this time. And at the follow up ultrasound appointment last Friday, a week ago, I was told… Continue reading
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The Difference Between A Manic and A Psychotic Episode
I realized that I trailed off in the middle of my last entry. I started talking about how I got triggered and just sort of ended the entry after that, ha! Sorry y’all! So, now I want to pick up… Continue reading
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This Last Episode
Welp, I renewed my domain name and subscription and whatnot with WordPress today. I’ve been writing at least once a week for this blog since 2022. Part of me says why stop now? Keep bitching and moaning. So here I… Continue reading
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The Difference Between Paranoia and Anxiety
The past couple of weeks have been difficult. And last weekend was really hard. But I’ve been hanging out at my therapist’s office a lot. There’s an art room there that’s just open most of the day for people to… Continue reading
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I Realized I was Depressed and Paranoid
I’m still upset at life. I still don’t know if I’m going to continue writing this blog or not. It’ll have been three years of it already in a few weeks. I haven’t decided if I’ll renew my domain name… Continue reading
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I’ve Just Been Sad The Past Few Weeks
It’s been a rough few weeks. This week was no exception. I’ve been agitated. I’ve been depressed. I can’t help but think that a psychosis episode is around the corner. I’m “due” for one, even though I hate saying that.… Continue reading
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My Various History of Hallucinations and Delusions
This is a long entry, I hope you find it as interesting as I do. I’ve been listening to the subject matter more of the background hallucinations I hear. I realized some of these are called “internal auditory hallucinations” –… Continue reading
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I Hate Arthritis
I have this giant entry all written up on my auditory hallucinations that I was going to post today. It’s a continuation from last week. But I’ll post that next week, or maybe in a day or two. I have… Continue reading
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Parts of My Verbal Auditory Hallucinations
I had a difficult realization over this last week. That most of the “neighbors” that I hear talking amongst themselves on my walks are still hallucinations. *sigh* I had noticed that there’s usually not one person outside when I hear… Continue reading
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I Had An Incident With My Now Ex-Therapist
It was halfway through with my therapy session and I was in a slight conversational lull and suddenly Jessie, the therapist who’s quitting in two weeks, after being in the office for about six months, started talking about her leaving,… Continue reading
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Anxiety and Agitation
I’ve been feeling very, I don’t know, annoyed this week. Very agitated and anxious are probably better descriptors. I’ve been thinking obsessively about going back to work. So much so that it’s been giving me anxiety attacks. I had one… Continue reading
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Trusting Myself For The First Time
All I’ve been doing the past few weeks is walking for my vein ablation recovery instructions. It’s been engulfing. Which is kinda nice because I feel like I haven’t had much time to think about a lot. Even though I… Continue reading
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I’m Feeling Like Isolating
I saw this meme quote thing the other day. It said something to the extent that trauma can make someone feel that they need to isolate. And I’ve been thinking about that a lot this week. I even talked about… Continue reading
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The First Vein Ablation
This was an eventful week. I’ve been busy and tired, but good. Voices have been acting up but not terribly bad, they’ve just been mildly annoying. Just mainly while I’m out on walks, like they do. They did better again… Continue reading
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Thought Loss
I’ve been dealing with a lot of thought loss the last few years. And it’s gotten better. But it’s much worse than it used to be. And I talk about this a lot. You know when you’re mid thought, mid… Continue reading
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The Voices Lately
The voices have been very tolerable lately. I haven’t been talking about them the last few entries and I figured I’d touch base with them this week. Things have been good – they’ve been quiet. But I’ve been taking my… Continue reading
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A Vein Ablation and Weight Loss
I’m having a decent week, finally. After episodes of pain, psychosis, depression, anxiety, more pain, more psychosis, more depression and then even more pain and then even more psychosis and then even more anxiety, I can finally, finally breathe today.… Continue reading
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The Transitional Times
I don’t know how I feel this week. Monday I was severely anxious. Tuesday I was in a terrible mood, but social. Wednesday I was withdrawn and was quite literally aching with loneliness. Thursday I was completely anxious all day… Continue reading
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My Therapy Journey
I can’t even tell you how many therapists I’ve seen in my life. Dozens, easy. I used to think therapy was useless. What good does it do to talk to a stranger (who you’re paying) about my stupid life? It’s… Continue reading
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Patterns of My Psychosis are Surfacing
Holy shit, that’s it. That’s part of the prodromal phase for me. I pull away from people. I can see it now. People start annoying the shit out of me, for no reason. I suddenly hate getting messages and calls,… Continue reading
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After A Psychotic Episode
I can’t think this week. My mind is fuzzy and foggy. (before I forget, I talk about self harm in here in regards to an epiphany, but now you have been warned) I have been teaching myself Spanish the past… Continue reading
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The Ramblings of My Voices
It’s Monday and the voices are still lingering. I may have to up my Paliperidone again. As of this week, I haven’t yet. I really don’t fucking want to. They’re telling me I’m living a lie, the voices are. That… Continue reading
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I Forgot That I Remembered It Wrong
My brain feels shriveled after that psychotic episode this last week. I’m just now resurfacing. It’s Saturday and I still can’t think properly. My body is fucking killing me. I mean, I’ve been walking more lately – trying to lose… Continue reading
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The Voices and Being Followed
Mental illness is bizarre. When the Paliperidone first started to clear up the bulk of my voices last year, I felt like I was always around people. Granted, I worked retail at the time too, so I was. But even… Continue reading
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Stuffed in the Trunk
It was a decent week. I’ve been in a much, much better mood this week than I have been in a while. Which is a very refreshing change. I didn’t think I could feel like this anymore. I’m hopeful today.… Continue reading
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Is This Optimism?
I’m wearing two pairs of pants today. I’ve got leggings on, under my jeans. It’s 30° outside here in Texas, and that’s cold as fuck for here. I’m not used to the cold anymore. It’s refreshing, but foreign feeling. As… Continue reading
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ADHD and Medication Changes
I’ve been feeling a bit better in my lumbar ablation recovery. Walking good and eating less. Trying to at least. This week has been decent with those types of things. Could be better. But it also could be a lot… Continue reading
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The Intensity of Inflammation
I had been off Prozac for about a week, week and a half, before starting back up on the 20mg capsules yesterday (it’s Tuesday) I can’t do life without a SSRI. Fuck that bullshit. I have some capsules left, so… Continue reading
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Medication Change, Continued
The medication change is going. Not well, not bad, not great, just going. I don’t know what I expected to feel besides something different. I decided to cut my antipsychotic in half on top of everything else. I know what… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Twelve
I’m coming off of my Buspirone this weekend. Fuck that shit. I’m sick of it. It doesn’t work. I’m sick of the medication fillers that puff my body up. That makes my vision blurry. That makes my body feel stagnant… Continue reading
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The Flare
I haven’t written shit this week because I was in the middle of a fucking arthritic flare. It’s been pretty bad honestly. My body was attacking itself all month really. On and off and then on full force again. It… Continue reading
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I’m No Longer Actively Hating Myself
Welp, trump won. That fucking happened. I sure as hell didn’t vote for him. But that’s not what this entry is about, so I digress. I was in therapy on Thursday morning and Sean asked me what I was doing/thinking/feeling… Continue reading
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A Nightmare and Other Stuff Like Vacation
I had a dream the other night that I was stabbed again. But this time it wasn’t real. I woke up out of breath. I had gotten into some sort of altercation with another woman and she stabbed me in… Continue reading
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Inflammation
As I write this my normally very narrow ankles are the size between a baseball and a softball. Both of them. My knees are swollen too and so are my shoulders and my back. I can feel them. I can… Continue reading
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Anxiety and Medications
My anxiety has been horrible this week and it’s Sunday. I’m constantly on edge. Constantly worrying that something is about to go wrong. Be set ablaze. Crash. My Dad asked me where the anxiety stems from this weekend. That something… Continue reading
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Untitled
It’s been a great week. And it’s only Tuesday as I start this entry. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that. Today I got some of the backpay from my disability claim. I was able… Continue reading
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Ignoring Certain Things
I’ve been ignoring my physical health for a while now again. A few months. It’s just so hard to focus on anything with my medications being leveled out and my disability hearing and all of that being in limbo for… Continue reading
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“RCA”
WARNING: I’m not trying to get into any sort of debate, this is just how I feel about religion. I never talk about religion but the time has come to open up about it. Religion isn’t important to me. At… Continue reading
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Anxiety and Approval
I’ve had several panic attacks in the past week. Big panic attacks. So much so that I debated going to the ER with one of them. But I think that my disability appeals have finally been approved. I’m pretty sure… Continue reading
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Dating & Other Fears
I’m having these physical responses to dating. Like the first one I was so anxious about the lack of conversation, I started to break out in a sweat. Or maybe that was from the real fucking crowded restaurant we were… Continue reading
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Signs of an Episode
There are a few things that are signs that a psychotic episode is going to happen or is happening to me. The more I think about it, I’m able to slowly put two and two together a bit better as… Continue reading
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The Physical Effects of Antipsychotics: Part Two
I know I was in some sort of psychotic episode the last week or five because now I don’t feel like I have anything to say. I feel boring, bland. I feel dull and uninteresting. I feel like I have… Continue reading
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Reunited
This week has been surprisingly good. I have recently reconnected this week with a great friend, and it’s been so so so nice to catch up and reunite. It feels good, having a friend. A good friend. A real friend,… Continue reading
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Psych Visit and a Book
I know I’ve been posting a lot the past week or so, I just feel like I have a lot to say and keep having ideas for posts, so I just keep writing. I remember my grandmother telling me once… Continue reading
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Psychotic Episodes
Psychosis is not well understood. It a giant ball of mystery. They don’t really know why it surfaces or how except for something about dopamine. Which makes sense to me because when a psych doc put me on Wellbutrin years… Continue reading
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Masking My Emotions And An Epiphany
I noticed that after my therapist told me I didn’t fit the criteria for a manic or even a hypomanic episode, my depression has started creeping up with the elevated mood still here. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t understand… Continue reading
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The Effort is There
I’m trying really hard to change. I am. I’m now taking my meds, I’m seeing a therapist weekly and have been for over two years now. I’m seeing a psychiatrist too, every two or three months for the past like,… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Ten
Today is the two year anniversary of A Delusional Predisposition. I can’t believe I’ve been writing this blog that long. Kinda hard to believe. And what better way to bring in the new year than with a medication post. I… Continue reading
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Medication Adherence
It’s like one good thing happens and then a bunch of terrible things follow suit. I didn’t have therapy last week because of the fourth of July holiday was that same day. Today, Thursday, 40 min before our session, my… Continue reading
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Group Wasn’t The Best Idea Today
I just got done with a life skills group at my therapists office and I’m now almost out of control angry. I almost self harmed again on the way home. But instead, I cried. We’re learning about a therapy type… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Nine
*TW: Self Harm* I had my hearing yesterday morning for disability, and I’ll have the official answer, or decision rather, in a few months. So I have done all of the things in my power to get this approved and… Continue reading
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The Five Year Mark
On Tuesday this week my calendar in my phone alerted me of an event. I had asked, or rather, told my ex husband that I needed a divorce five years ago on Tuesday. It was a toxic waste site of… Continue reading
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EMDR Therapy
This week has been up and down. I’ve been going to a “life skills class”, which is a group at my therapist’s office. I’ve gone the past couple of Wednesday’s and I’ve really been liking it. We’ve been talking about… Continue reading
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An Incomplete Puzzle
The past couple weeks I’ve gone to a life skills class at my therapist’s office. They have an art room there too folks just hang out in. Sean, my therapist, actually runs the group and suggested I give it a… Continue reading
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Therapy and Others
This week has been extremely, excruciatingly painful. Physically and mentally taxing. My knees ache with shooting pains and a constant drowning burn. My left shoulder, left ankle and left big toe feel like they’ve been hit with a baseball bat… Continue reading
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It’s Not Laziness
This week has been surprisingly decent in regards to not having many breakthrough symptoms. My symptoms have been significantly dulled since getting used to the oral Invega/Paliperidone. I talked about that in therapy on Thursday this week, and so far,… Continue reading
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Frustrated
This week has been decent I guess. Some family was visiting and I got to hang out for a few hours with them, so that was nice. My symptoms haven’t been too bad but the whispers and voices have been… Continue reading
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Pain Levels and Depression Medication
My inflammatory osteoarthritis hasn’t been letting me sleep at all this week. Well, it’s been six days now of not being able to stay asleep through even half the night. It’s terrible really. I’m exhausted and can’t sleep because my… Continue reading
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Appointments
I missed my psychiatrist appointment. Well, I missed the appointment with the nurse practitioner that writes the prescriptions for my antipsychotics and antidepressant. He’s not a psychiatrist. I didn’t really have a good reason to miss my appointment, I just,… Continue reading
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Dissociation
I do think there are parts of me that aren’t connected. I do feel like I bounce back and forth between myself but at different ages. Ages where something happened or was a turning point in my life. When I… Continue reading
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My Journey With Talk Therapy
I have had a long, tumultuous, relationship with talk therapy. I love it. I hate it. It’s alright. Fuck nah. Just to go back to it’s alright, again. I’ve run randomly through all of these feelings, sometimes lapping over another,… Continue reading
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Defining my Progress
I’ve been really tired this week. Worn out. Part of it is because I was in an episode last week and weekend. It’s so exhausting to have psychotic symptoms. I’m constantly trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not.… Continue reading
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Blank
I’ve known for quite a long time that something was off with me. That I don’t think. Or act like a typical person. My explosive emotions repel most people. They repel me most times. It’s overwhelming to have big feelings… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Five
After my Invega injections I feel much, much, much more like myself. Whoever that is anymore. I got one this last Friday. And I feel a night and day difference. My anger dissipates. I’m calmer. I’m reserved. Reflective. Pensive. Even… Continue reading
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An Empty Parking Lot
I feel as though I’ve helped destroy my life. Well, let me rephrase that. I feel as though mental illness has helped destroy my life. My symptoms. My lack of decent behaviors. My shit coping mechanisms. My complete lack of… Continue reading
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Group Therapy
I tried to do a group meeting this week. It was on Tuesday night. It was hosted through NAMI. I let my paranoia get the best of me though. I was late for the meeting. My laptop was being frustrating… Continue reading
A Delusional Predisposition 