I had to wait the weekend to hear back from my psych NP about a medication change.

I had an appointment last Tuesday, but the provider canceled it last minute and I was rescheduled for over a month out.

It’s frustrating because I’ve just been having symptoms and they won’t stop.

And I wanted to talk to him about it.

I know the death of my Grandmother has increased and intensified my symptoms within the past month as well.

So I left a voicemail for the nurse at the clinic last week, and I also sent her an email about a possible medication adjustment before my next appointment.

I called my caseworker too (she’s at the same office) that day and talked to her about it as well.

She said I’ve been complaining of more and louder symptoms for a few months now, so she agreed that it’s time for some sort of change.

I was grateful to hear that because she is awesome at advocating with me to the provider or anyone really.

The nurse was trying to move my NP along, but my caseworker told me that he can only move so fast with the workload he has, so I just needed to be patient and wait.

So I did.

I wish I would’ve been able to just have my psych NP appointment last week.

Then I could have had this all squared away already.

It’s annoying, but sometimes I feel like the NP listens to my nurse and caseworker better than he does me.

I don’t know why I feel that way but I do.

The NP upped my Zoloft by a half of a tablet.

And then he’s taking me off of the Risperidone completely and is instead putting me on a hefty dose of Halidol twice daily.

I’m hopeful with the change.

I have to go pick up the prescription in a couple of hours.

I’ve been on Halidol before as a PRN (as needed), but I never really took it because it was so sedating.

So now I’ll have to power through the change up and sleepiness of switching medications and having new medications.

It’s a welcomed change.

I say that now before taking it, but something has to give with these fucking symptoms.

I heard my voices show up as my neighbors seemingly everyday for the past several months.

The other day I heard her (my third floor neighbor) and her adult son up there on their balcony, talking about me, commenting on me and my behavior.

Commenting on what Bruce is doing.

Little did I know her son wasn’t even home.

Again.

For seemingly the millionth time.

I came back inside about fifteen minutes later I saw him pull into the parking lot.

And he got out and walked up with stuff in his hands and a new haircut.

So there’s no way he was just home and talking about me.

This has happened to me so many times the past couple of months it’s absurd.

I’ll hear my voices mimic these people, and then, for the first time ever, a hallucination the other day said “Look up, I’m not a hallucination”.

I’ve heard them say that they’re going to show up at my home, or somewhere, yet never do, but I’ve never had them just straight up say that they’re not a hallucination.

What in the fuck?

How much of a mind warp is that?

It’s so fucking frustrating.

I’m grateful for a medication change because I’m tired of hearing my hallucinations.

I’m tired of them mimicking and morphing and commenting on and berating me.

I’m tired of the mean, horrible tricks they play on me and things they say.

Including this new “I’m not a hallucination” bullshit.

That’s how I’ve gotten intense surveillance delusions in the past.

The voices tell me to wait at a certain place, at a certain time for them to show up so they could explain why they were watching me, and then they’d promise to stop bothering me.

I’d go to the place, at the time and they’d never show up.

That happened dozens of times, maybe more because I can’t recall a lot.

I just remember being extremely confused by them not showing up when they were adamant that they would.

If I was deeper into this psychotic episode I have been fighting off, I might have taken the “I’m not a hallucination” as reality.

It’s a very fine line.

I’m glad I’m not, and that I didn’t, but it’s really hard to hear shit like that when I know what I just heard was a hallucination.

I’m hopeful that this medication change will help with everything.

Halidol is an older antipsychotic, I think it’s been around since like the 1950’s.

I need to do some research on it to make sure I’m aware of the side effects and other things to look out for.

But I’m really quite hopeful.

I’m glad I’m not being taken off of my Invega injection, I really think it does a good job of stabilizing my moods and dulling my symptoms.

And I’m not excited for the tiredness that’s going to happen, but I am excited for the possibility of my hallucinations, delusions and paranoia being quieter and farther apart.

– Keren