clarity
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It’s Not Laziness
This week has been surprisingly decent in regards to not having many breakthrough symptoms. My symptoms have been significantly dulled since getting used to the oral Invega/Paliperidone. I talked about that in therapy on Thursday this week, and so far,… Continue reading
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Stress
This week has been much, much better symptom wise for me. I’ve been able to flow smoothly today. Awaiting the ebb, but not holding my breath. My psychotic and depression symptoms have been few the past couple of days. On… Continue reading
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Medication Adjustment
Well, I’ve been feeling better the past couple of days. Getting out from under the couch blankets to finally walk Bruce around yesterday and today was nice. My cough is still around but the wheezing has let up. I feel… Continue reading
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Being Triggered
Everything is seemingly turning another corner for the bigillionth time. My aches and pains are dulling down to a point where I can walk my little walk with Bruce again. (Until the next flare.) Which is annoying because I could… Continue reading
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Trusting Myself
I’ve been having symptoms kick up with my pain levels remaining quite high still. I also have an infection in a tooth of mine and am in need of a horribly helpful root canal. Boo. They’re just so uncomfortable. I… Continue reading
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Being Too Much
The radio noises don’t bother me too much, especially the music I hear. It doesn’t frighten me like the voices do. The murmurs that come along with the radio noises are not fun, and it makes me feel overstimulated with… Continue reading
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Dreams or Thoughts
I keep having these recurring things in my dreams. I’m always carrying a backpack or bag that’s too way way way too heavy for me. Like, once it’s off my back it takes someone helping me to get it back… Continue reading
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Imposter
It’s been feeling like I don’t have much to write about the last few weeks. I’ve been posting still, but I’m back to once a week right now for the most part. I sometimes wonder if the pain that comes… Continue reading
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Stability
Stability is not always a given for me. I don’t think it’s a given for a lot of folks out there. I fluctuate back and forth between being lucid and not. And back and forth on my ability to be… Continue reading
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Complicated Phrasing
There’s that phrase that says you can’t love anyone until you love yourself. And I think that’s bullshit. I have loved many people while not even knowing how to like myself, let alone love myself. Hell, I just barely started… Continue reading
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The Foot Shuffle and Other Unhelpful Side Effects
There are several side effects from the Haldol that I’ve been dealing with. They’re pretty frustrating and annoying all at once. I know I’ve talked about the drooling. That’s still happening. It sneaks out of the corners of my mouth… Continue reading
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Childless
Sometimes I regret not having kids. I never wanted any, but I feel like I should’ve over the years. There was a time, a couple of months, where my ex husband and I were thinking about it. He wanted kids.… Continue reading
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Dissociation
I do think there are parts of me that aren’t connected. I do feel like I bounce back and forth between myself but at different ages. Ages where something happened or was a turning point in my life. When I… Continue reading
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The Impact
I’ve been having more good days than bad since getting used to the Haldol. Voices and visual hallucinations have been quiet and few, further between. It’s so fucking refreshing. My hallucinations have been showing up in smaller ways. And my… Continue reading
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Drooling
It’s really strange to say this, but I’ve been drooling lately. Come to google this here. While I’m thankful for the validation, I’m frustrated that it’s not written about more. There’s not much on it. Some wordy studies here and… Continue reading
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Anything Goes
Now that I’m getting used to the Haldol, I’ve been able to think again today. And clearer than I’ve been able to yet, which is such a welcomed and very promising feeling. Last week was no good for that, but… Continue reading
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This Too Shall Pass
I noticed a lack of something latey. Music in my head. I used to have music playing constantly in my mind. Tones that I had heard before. Songs that I know. Layered over and through oneanother. Just, really, quite constant… Continue reading
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Defining my Progress
I’ve been really tired this week. Worn out. Part of it is because I was in an episode last week and weekend. It’s so exhausting to have psychotic symptoms. I’m constantly trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not.… Continue reading
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Delusions
It’s all the same. The general idea for my delusions are all pretty much the same base. Someone is after me. Out to get me. Spying on me. Stalking me. Watching me. I call all of these things hallucinations all… Continue reading
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Stress Turns Into Symptoms
I know now that stress plays a huge part in my psychotic symptoms. I never realized how big of a role it carries. My symptoms are dying down again after a few days of being pretty heavy and thick. The… Continue reading
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My Relationship With Food
I’ve always used food to cover up my feelings. As a coping mechanism. A way to forget what I was so miserable about. I used to tell myself that I don’t use it that way. That food wasn’t an escape.… Continue reading
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Empty
I’ve been feeling very empty lately. Like, unable to see or feel much joy. I’ve been watching shows like Reno911! and News Radio to keep it light and non thinky. Everything’s been too much. And that’s frustrating because everything is… Continue reading
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Chatty
I used to be so chatty. I worked retail most all my life, so being paid to be a social butterfly was a good fit for me. But that’s all changed now. And since, I’ve noticed a change in myself… Continue reading
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Thoughts vs Auditory Hallucinations
I know it may be a bit hard to imagine what auditory hallucinations sound like. Believe me, I wish that no one would ever experience them. Ever. I wish it wasn’t even an option. But unfortunately it is. And I’d… Continue reading
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Negativity
It may seem as though I’m extremely negative while reading through my writings. That’s because I am. I’ll own it. I’ve grown into the negativity over the years. It’s been doomy in my head for decades now. In my experience,… Continue reading
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“Anosognosia” and Delusions
I’m forty years old. And I didn’t understand that the voices I hear are actually hallucinations, until I was thirty eight. I thought they were my thoughts. My internal system. The paranormal. The voices are a nonstop discourse of layered… Continue reading
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Holding Friends Hostage
Sometimes the people in our life try their best to understand mental illness. And it still falls short. Sometimes the people in our life won’t understand. And it’s not productive to hold that against them. There have been a lot… Continue reading
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The Luxury
I noticed that I’m starting to be aware of the weather again. It’s been sunny. Then rainy. Then sunny. Then rainy. All week. I’ve been noticing the shifts in temperature. And the bright shades of green pouring out of the… Continue reading
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Mascara
I put on mascara the other day. For the first time in months. I didn’t even go anywhere. I haven’t been looking that great lately. Physically. Not saying I look terrible. Just saying that I have been putting in zero… Continue reading
A Delusional Predisposition 