The voices never really go away.

I’ve been having a good week, but they’re still there.

As frustrating as that is.

They get worse at night.

Once it hits the time where the sun starts to go down, it’s like it’s game on for my auditory hallucinations.

I’ve heard that many people who deal with a schizophrenia spectrum illness have this same issue.

I could sit here and speculate as to why that is, but that won’t stop the hallucinations from showing up.

It’s curious though.

It’s like the voices know that I can’t do anything about them at night.

Like they know my support system isn’t really available then.

But that’s putting a consciousness into the hallucinations, which isn’t helpful at all.

Because they just are.

They’re not rational.

They’re not real.

They’re completely random.

I’ve been noticing that my visual hallucinations have been fairly calm this week.

Usually it feels like I’m watching things lag.

I see things rush by me, yet, they move in almost a slow motion all at once.

I guess I always knew these were hallucinations.

But like the bulk of them, I didn’t really notice that they were until they left for a few days.

It feels like all of my energy is being used to try to differentiate between hallucinations and reality all the time.

So when I have a couple days of minimal hallucinations, I’m tired.

I try to relax on these days.

I try to let my mind and body take in reality when and where it can.

But today isn’t one of those days.

Today I’ve been hearing the voices show up as my third floor neighbors and it’s engulfing.

It’s making my paranoia flare up.

I don’t want to go outside today.

I’ve got the windows shut, but the blinds open, and I feel like they’re peeking in through them.

I know they’re not.

I know that’s not rational.

But it’s hard because I’m hearing them even when I’m inside my apartment for the past couple of days.

The voices are talking like they know every move I’ve been making all day.

When I go out and smoke a cigarette, they’re outside up there, talking about me.

What I’m doing.

Why I’m spying on them.

Not once and a while, but every fucking time I go out.

It makes me uncomfortable.

It makes me anxious and paranoid.

It’s maddening.

“See? She’s outside again.”

“She can’t hear us.”

“Yes she can hear me.”

“No she can’t.”

“She’s just sitting there.”

“Is she still out?”

“Keren.”

“Do you think she heard?”

“She heard me.”

“Keren.”

“She’s listening to me.”

“She can hear us.”

“See what I mean?”

“She’s listening.”

“She’s just standing there.”

“Keren.”

“She can hear me.”

And this is every. time. I go outside.

Every.

Time.

And it’s constant and overlapping all day, the second I step out of my apartment.

In the apartment I’ll hear things like:

“She can’t see me.”

“She can hear me.”

“Can she see me?”

“She can hear.”

“She’s just sitting there.”

“She’s not seeing me.”

“I see her.”

“She can hear me.”

“I can see her.”

“See? She can hear me.”

It’s fucking constant today and I just had my Invega injection this week which makes it so fucking frustrating.

The medications help, but sometimes they can’t stop the hallucinations at all.

A lot of times they can’t.

I’m trying to notice what leads up to days like today, but there’s nothing recognizable.

There’s no fucking pattern to any of it that I can tell.

I did have a couple days of being pretty grumpy before the voices came on hardcore this week.

But I’ve never noticed that as a pattern before.

I have been very tired this week and unable to sleep much.

I know that’s a culprit.

And maybe that’s all it takes anymore.

– Keren