healthcare
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EMDR Work and a Nutritionist Appointment
I’ve been doing EMDR therapy with my one on one therapist for a while now. She’s been having me write down my triggers throughout the weeks. And I’ve noticed that as we go on, I’m getting triggered less and less.… Continue reading
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Food and Hallucinations (and More Doctor Appointments)
I keep having weeks so busy that I have no time to write. I keep forgetting to fill out my mood app every day too. Then I have to go back and try to remember what was going on on… Continue reading
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And Even More Doctor Appointments…
I had a lot more doctors appointments this week. I had sclerotherapy done on my left leg on Tuesday this week. One down by my ankle and another in my back calf – both on the left leg. It burned… Continue reading
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The Doctor Said…
I started crying today. Because of stupid facebook and a bunch of other stuff. But I’m telling you, every single time that I try to reach out or comment on someone’s post on facebook, it backfires on me. People end… Continue reading
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Psychosis, EMDR, and Pain Levels
The other day I was walking Bruce and I had a big visual hallucination. It was like the world was suddenly zooming out. I was looking down the sidewalk, and things were getting further away. Like in the cartoons. This… Continue reading
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Schizoaffective Disorder and Money
It’s been a slow moving week. I suppose that’s a good thing. I’ve been sorta unmotivated lately – unfocused. I can’t help but worry about the future. I’m paranoid about the next steps and what that looks like in my… Continue reading
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Vein Ablations and Therapy
So, the vein ablations are done. Thank goodness. The photo with this entry shows just how drastic of a difference the procedures have made. It’s amazing. I mean, I knew my feet and legs were discolored and swollen, but I… Continue reading
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Trauma, Pain Levels, and ADHD
I woke up in incredible amounts of pain on Wednesday this week. Incredible. I could barely fucking move. When I finally did, I had to move very, very slowly. Even on my morning walk with Bruce that day, I had… Continue reading
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C•PTSD and Trauma (Medical and Authoritative)
I’m 99.9% sure of my PTSD is actually C•PTSD. I’ve never really given it much thought until this last weekend. I mean, I have, but I haven’t put that much thought into it. I guess I never really looked up… Continue reading
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The Time I Started A Forest Fire
I had a good therapy session this week. My therapist has just gotten her EMDR certification a few weeks ago, maybe a month ago now. And she’s using me as a guinea pig – which I love. We worked on… Continue reading
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Anesthetics Frustrations But Then a Surprisingly Good Visit With My Psych NP
I’m angry this week. Frustrated is maybe a better word. I know it’s from the anesthetics last week. I know it is. It’s always like this. After every procedure. I really wish it wasn’t like this though. It’s super annoying.… Continue reading
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Being Social With Schizoaffective Disorder
I don’t know why I can’t just go out and about and be happy that someone wants to spend time with me. Oh wait, I do know why, it’s the voices. They’re always fucking shit up. Everytime I’m away from… Continue reading
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Capacity
I was having a brunch date with someone Saturday (it went really well!) and he reminded me that people only have so much capacity to deal with things, or to be there for others. Whatever things those may be. Whatever… Continue reading
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The Bug Situation and Being Emotional
This is how my week started… It’s Monday, and I have been so incredibly, unbearably anxious and paranoid lately. Like, crying at least several times every single day, for the past several weeks. And I don’t know what to do… Continue reading
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I Don’t Think I’m Bipolar, And I’m Mindblown
Again, I’m going to talk about my last psychotic episode. The one I had that ended last week, er, the week before, now. It lasted longer than I thought. Well, it started further back than I originally thought. I went… Continue reading
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After The Second Procedure
So, I had my latest procedure, a vein ablation this last week, last Tuesday. They did the other GSV, in my right leg this time. And at the follow up ultrasound appointment last Friday, a week ago, I was told… Continue reading
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The Difference Between A Manic and A Psychotic Episode
I realized that I trailed off in the middle of my last entry. I started talking about how I got triggered and just sort of ended the entry after that, ha! Sorry y’all! So, now I want to pick up… Continue reading
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This Last Episode
Welp, I renewed my domain name and subscription and whatnot with WordPress today. I’ve been writing at least once a week for this blog since 2022. Part of me says why stop now? Keep bitching and moaning. So here I… Continue reading
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The Difference Between Paranoia and Anxiety
The past couple of weeks have been difficult. And last weekend was really hard. But I’ve been hanging out at my therapist’s office a lot. There’s an art room there that’s just open most of the day for people to… Continue reading
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I Realized I was Depressed and Paranoid
I’m still upset at life. I still don’t know if I’m going to continue writing this blog or not. It’ll have been three years of it already in a few weeks. I haven’t decided if I’ll renew my domain name… Continue reading
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I’ve Just Been Sad The Past Few Weeks
It’s been a rough few weeks. This week was no exception. I’ve been agitated. I’ve been depressed. I can’t help but think that a psychosis episode is around the corner. I’m “due” for one, even though I hate saying that.… Continue reading
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My Various History of Hallucinations and Delusions
This is a long entry, I hope you find it as interesting as I do. I’ve been listening to the subject matter more of the background hallucinations I hear. I realized some of these are called “internal auditory hallucinations” –… Continue reading
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I Hate Arthritis
I have this giant entry all written up on my auditory hallucinations that I was going to post today. It’s a continuation from last week. But I’ll post that next week, or maybe in a day or two. I have… Continue reading
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Parts of My Verbal Auditory Hallucinations
I had a difficult realization over this last week. That most of the “neighbors” that I hear talking amongst themselves on my walks are still hallucinations. *sigh* I had noticed that there’s usually not one person outside when I hear… Continue reading
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I Had An Incident With My Now Ex-Therapist
It was halfway through with my therapy session and I was in a slight conversational lull and suddenly Jessie, the therapist who’s quitting in two weeks, after being in the office for about six months, started talking about her leaving,… Continue reading
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Anxiety and Agitation
I’ve been feeling very, I don’t know, annoyed this week. Very agitated and anxious are probably better descriptors. I’ve been thinking obsessively about going back to work. So much so that it’s been giving me anxiety attacks. I had one… Continue reading
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Trusting Myself For The First Time
All I’ve been doing the past few weeks is walking for my vein ablation recovery instructions. It’s been engulfing. Which is kinda nice because I feel like I haven’t had much time to think about a lot. Even though I… Continue reading
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I’m Feeling Like Isolating
I saw this meme quote thing the other day. It said something to the extent that trauma can make someone feel that they need to isolate. And I’ve been thinking about that a lot this week. I even talked about… Continue reading
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The First Vein Ablation
This was an eventful week. I’ve been busy and tired, but good. Voices have been acting up but not terribly bad, they’ve just been mildly annoying. Just mainly while I’m out on walks, like they do. They did better again… Continue reading
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Thought Loss
I’ve been dealing with a lot of thought loss the last few years. And it’s gotten better. But it’s much worse than it used to be. And I talk about this a lot. You know when you’re mid thought, mid… Continue reading
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The Voices Lately
The voices have been very tolerable lately. I haven’t been talking about them the last few entries and I figured I’d touch base with them this week. Things have been good – they’ve been quiet. But I’ve been taking my… Continue reading
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A Vein Ablation and Weight Loss
I’m having a decent week, finally. After episodes of pain, psychosis, depression, anxiety, more pain, more psychosis, more depression and then even more pain and then even more psychosis and then even more anxiety, I can finally, finally breathe today.… Continue reading
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The Transitional Times
I don’t know how I feel this week. Monday I was severely anxious. Tuesday I was in a terrible mood, but social. Wednesday I was withdrawn and was quite literally aching with loneliness. Thursday I was completely anxious all day… Continue reading
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After A Psychotic Episode
I can’t think this week. My mind is fuzzy and foggy. (before I forget, I talk about self harm in here in regards to an epiphany, but now you have been warned) I have been teaching myself Spanish the past… Continue reading
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How The Delusions and Hallucinations Engulf
I got into a comment conversation with a fellow writer and decided to write an entry around it. In my last post I had some hallucination dialogue – some back and forth between the voices, and she asked me if… Continue reading
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The Ramblings of My Voices
It’s Monday and the voices are still lingering. I may have to up my Paliperidone again. As of this week, I haven’t yet. I really don’t fucking want to. They’re telling me I’m living a lie, the voices are. That… Continue reading
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I Forgot That I Remembered It Wrong
My brain feels shriveled after that psychotic episode this last week. I’m just now resurfacing. It’s Saturday and I still can’t think properly. My body is fucking killing me. I mean, I’ve been walking more lately – trying to lose… Continue reading
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Stuffed in the Trunk
It was a decent week. I’ve been in a much, much better mood this week than I have been in a while. Which is a very refreshing change. I didn’t think I could feel like this anymore. I’m hopeful today.… Continue reading
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Is This Optimism?
I’m wearing two pairs of pants today. I’ve got leggings on, under my jeans. It’s 30° outside here in Texas, and that’s cold as fuck for here. I’m not used to the cold anymore. It’s refreshing, but foreign feeling. As… Continue reading
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ADHD and Medication Changes
I’ve been feeling a bit better in my lumbar ablation recovery. Walking good and eating less. Trying to at least. This week has been decent with those types of things. Could be better. But it also could be a lot… Continue reading
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Hallucinations and an Ablation
It’s Sunday afternoon and my back pain is making me nauseous. It’s 4:16pm and all i’ve had is a Red Bull and a Chobani Flip. Quite a stark contrast from the last few days. I hurt. My lower back feels… Continue reading
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Pain, Inflammation, and a Crappy U.S. Doctor
I’m in so much pain. So. Much. Pain. And it feels like no one cares. I know people do, but I hate complaining about it at the same time so I try really hard not to. But I’ve been crying… Continue reading
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The Intensity of Inflammation
I had been off Prozac for about a week, week and a half, before starting back up on the 20mg capsules yesterday (it’s Tuesday) I can’t do life without a SSRI. Fuck that bullshit. I have some capsules left, so… Continue reading
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Physical Pain
I don’t feel like writing this week. I’ve tried. I’ve written like six or seven half entires, trying to get something together for this blog this week. And I can’t seem to focus. It’s super rainy today. And it’s been… Continue reading
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Weight and Sweat
I just noticed I’ve been avoiding taking my picture again lately. I know I hate how heavy I am again. I’ve gained what feels like a ton of weight back after losing 100lbs. It’s not a ton, but I have… Continue reading
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Medication Change, Continued
The medication change is going. Not well, not bad, not great, just going. I don’t know what I expected to feel besides something different. I decided to cut my antipsychotic in half on top of everything else. I know what… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Twelve
I’m coming off of my Buspirone this weekend. Fuck that shit. I’m sick of it. It doesn’t work. I’m sick of the medication fillers that puff my body up. That makes my vision blurry. That makes my body feel stagnant… Continue reading
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This Is Late and Random
As I sit here my knee is swelling up. I fucking KNEW the steroid burst was too small. I KNEW I needed a higher dose to really curb all of it. Fuck. This sucks. I could barely get into my… Continue reading
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The Flare
I haven’t written shit this week because I was in the middle of a fucking arthritic flare. It’s been pretty bad honestly. My body was attacking itself all month really. On and off and then on full force again. It… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Eleven
(this is my longest entry yet) This week has been good. Very few symptoms, but my anxiety is still rampant. I don’t think it’ll ever go away. Nor the voices. I did have a few voices the other night and… Continue reading
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I’m No Longer Actively Hating Myself
Welp, trump won. That fucking happened. I sure as hell didn’t vote for him. But that’s not what this entry is about, so I digress. I was in therapy on Thursday morning and Sean asked me what I was doing/thinking/feeling… Continue reading
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Delusions and Healthcare Crap
I’m feeling like part of my fear about fires that I’ve been writing about is partially a delusion that I’m working through. Sure it’s anxiety too. For sure it is. But I feel like the bigger part of it is… Continue reading
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Prescriptions and Pharmacies
Oh my god I hate dealing with pharmacies. Everytime I transfer something or try to fill something I’m met with a fucking brick wall. It’s really rare that a pharmacist cares about what’s happening, but I have that at CVS… Continue reading
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Inflammation
As I write this my normally very narrow ankles are the size between a baseball and a softball. Both of them. My knees are swollen too and so are my shoulders and my back. I can feel them. I can… Continue reading
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That Dental Disease
Well I knew this but I didn’t know it was that bad. I have Periodontal Disease. And it’s gotten quite a bit worse since the last time I was at the dentist just a few months ago. So much so… Continue reading
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Anxiety and Medications
My anxiety has been horrible this week and it’s Sunday. I’m constantly on edge. Constantly worrying that something is about to go wrong. Be set ablaze. Crash. My Dad asked me where the anxiety stems from this weekend. That something… Continue reading
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Social Depletion
I get so down on myself sometimes. I hang out with someone and just end up going home after two hours because I can’t handle being out in public. And I was just sitting at a friends house. I get… Continue reading
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Untitled
It’s been a great week. And it’s only Tuesday as I start this entry. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that. Today I got some of the backpay from my disability claim. I was able… Continue reading
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Addiction Tools
I’m super antsy today. It’s Sunday afternoon and I feel like doing something. But I don’t know what to do and don’t really want to spend any money and everywhere is closed today. So I ate something and am now… Continue reading
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Ignoring Certain Things
I’ve been ignoring my physical health for a while now again. A few months. It’s just so hard to focus on anything with my medications being leveled out and my disability hearing and all of that being in limbo for… Continue reading
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Anxiety and Approval
I’ve had several panic attacks in the past week. Big panic attacks. So much so that I debated going to the ER with one of them. But I think that my disability appeals have finally been approved. I’m pretty sure… Continue reading
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Stability and PRN’s
I thought my life was going alright while in psychosis a few years ago. I thought everyone else had the problems, not me. Besides, everyone was talking shit about me all the time. And I wasn’t able to put things… Continue reading
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Dating & Other Fears
I’m having these physical responses to dating. Like the first one I was so anxious about the lack of conversation, I started to break out in a sweat. Or maybe that was from the real fucking crowded restaurant we were… Continue reading
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I Quit (Smoking)
You heard it folks, I’m officially done with cigarettes. It’s been a nasty and long relationship, but I’ve whipped out my white flag to shake around and have surrendered. I’m not buying anymore tobacco. Hopefully ever. It sucks. I’ll be… Continue reading
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Signs of an Episode
There are a few things that are signs that a psychotic episode is going to happen or is happening to me. The more I think about it, I’m able to slowly put two and two together a bit better as… Continue reading
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The Physical Effects of Antipsychotics: Part Two
I know I was in some sort of psychotic episode the last week or five because now I don’t feel like I have anything to say. I feel boring, bland. I feel dull and uninteresting. I feel like I have… Continue reading
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Reunited
This week has been surprisingly good. I have recently reconnected this week with a great friend, and it’s been so so so nice to catch up and reunite. It feels good, having a friend. A good friend. A real friend,… Continue reading
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Psych Visit and a Book
I know I’ve been posting a lot the past week or so, I just feel like I have a lot to say and keep having ideas for posts, so I just keep writing. I remember my grandmother telling me once… Continue reading
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Psychotic Episodes
Psychosis is not well understood. It a giant ball of mystery. They don’t really know why it surfaces or how except for something about dopamine. Which makes sense to me because when a psych doc put me on Wellbutrin years… Continue reading
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Masking My Emotions And An Epiphany
I noticed that after my therapist told me I didn’t fit the criteria for a manic or even a hypomanic episode, my depression has started creeping up with the elevated mood still here. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t understand… Continue reading
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The Effort is There
I’m trying really hard to change. I am. I’m now taking my meds, I’m seeing a therapist weekly and have been for over two years now. I’m seeing a psychiatrist too, every two or three months for the past like,… Continue reading
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Bipolar Rage
I can’t keep doing the same things and expect things to be different. That’s literally insanity. I have been an oversharer most of my life. But that’s not me anymore. Well, rather, I don’t want to be that person anymore.… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Ten
Today is the two year anniversary of A Delusional Predisposition. I can’t believe I’ve been writing this blog that long. Kinda hard to believe. And what better way to bring in the new year than with a medication post. I… Continue reading
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Medication Adherence
It’s like one good thing happens and then a bunch of terrible things follow suit. I didn’t have therapy last week because of the fourth of July holiday was that same day. Today, Thursday, 40 min before our session, my… Continue reading
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Group Wasn’t The Best Idea Today
I just got done with a life skills group at my therapists office and I’m now almost out of control angry. I almost self harmed again on the way home. But instead, I cried. We’re learning about a therapy type… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Nine
*TW: Self Harm* I had my hearing yesterday morning for disability, and I’ll have the official answer, or decision rather, in a few months. So I have done all of the things in my power to get this approved and… Continue reading
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EMDR Therapy
This week has been up and down. I’ve been going to a “life skills class”, which is a group at my therapist’s office. I’ve gone the past couple of Wednesday’s and I’ve really been liking it. We’ve been talking about… Continue reading
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Suboxone
I can barely walk again today. This is week three of intense pain levels that show no sign of slowing. I can barely sit up and go to the bathroom. Sitting down on the toilet with bad knees makes it… Continue reading
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Pain and Tardiness
My body has been hurting so, so bad this week. I’m in the middle of a fucking inflammatory arthritic flare now. My right knee hurts so, so, so bad. And so does the left one, and my left foot, and… Continue reading
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Sleep and Others
There were more auditory hallucinations over this last weekend. They seemed to have drifted off throughout the week though. They got quieter. It was just a lot of mumbles and feeling like I’m in a crowd, or there’s a group… Continue reading
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Aging and Others
I had my appointment with my psych NP, Alex this Tuesday, and he switched me to the oral Invega! Technically it’s the generic, Paliperidone, which is just fine with me. He said the main reason he wanted to talk to… Continue reading
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What A Birthday Week
I’m so annoyed with my psych clinic. I’ve been waiting over a week to be switched from the brand name Invega injections, to generic, oral, Paliperidone. They’re the same thing, but one is a shot, and the other is a… Continue reading
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Frustrated
This week has been decent I guess. Some family was visiting and I got to hang out for a few hours with them, so that was nice. My symptoms haven’t been too bad but the whispers and voices have been… Continue reading
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Trusting Myself
I’ve been having symptoms kick up with my pain levels remaining quite high still. I also have an infection in a tooth of mine and am in need of a horribly helpful root canal. Boo. They’re just so uncomfortable. I… Continue reading
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Pain Levels and Depression Medication
My inflammatory osteoarthritis hasn’t been letting me sleep at all this week. Well, it’s been six days now of not being able to stay asleep through even half the night. It’s terrible really. I’m exhausted and can’t sleep because my… Continue reading
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Being Too Much
The radio noises don’t bother me too much, especially the music I hear. It doesn’t frighten me like the voices do. The murmurs that come along with the radio noises are not fun, and it makes me feel overstimulated with… Continue reading
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Appointments
I missed my psychiatrist appointment. Well, I missed the appointment with the nurse practitioner that writes the prescriptions for my antipsychotics and antidepressant. He’s not a psychiatrist. I didn’t really have a good reason to miss my appointment, I just,… Continue reading
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Fixations and Bruce Wayne
I have this strange lump on the right side of my neck. I’m hoping it’s just a cyst or something harmless. And I won’t know much about it till Wednesday, when I have a follow up after the ultrasound tomorrow.… Continue reading
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My Journey With Talk Therapy
I have had a long, tumultuous, relationship with talk therapy. I love it. I hate it. It’s alright. Fuck nah. Just to go back to it’s alright, again. I’ve run randomly through all of these feelings, sometimes lapping over another,… Continue reading
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Medical Trauma
I have been in and out of doctors offices since I was born. I was on medication for my hypothyroidism before leaving the hospital after birth. That led to countless blood draws over the years. When I was younger I… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Seven
I had to wait the weekend to hear back from my psych NP about a medication change. I had an appointment last Tuesday, but the provider canceled it last minute and I was rescheduled for over a month out. It’s… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Six
I was just sitting here thinking and realized that my having a better mood is directly coinciding with the rate at which my immunosuppressants for my arthritis have been working. It’s been about eight weeks of the weekly methotrexate and… Continue reading
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Navigating My Mental Healthcare: Part Two
I can’t even tell you how many therapists and psychiatrists I’ve seen over the years. Dozens. Easily. I currently deal with a doctor that doesn’t really believe me. He gives me the right medications. But when we talk he is… Continue reading
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Inflammation
It’s always there. Inflammation is. I feel puffy. Everywhere. And do almost all the time. It’s gotten better since I cut out dairy products. But good lort. It can calm down anytime now. But I know it won’t without medication.… Continue reading
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Navigating My Mental Healthcare
I feel like I’ve been busy this week. But really I’ve been preoccupied. I had an arthritis medication that the doctor’s office just simply wasn’t doing anything about. I called each day this week. Because I had put in my… Continue reading
A Delusional Predisposition 