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Pain
I’ve been having some more aches and pains lately. Not that they ever, ever go away. But some days and weeks are better than others. And this week has been more painful than the last couple. Especially in my back… Continue reading
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Weight and Hallucinations
I was down last week. That’s why I didn’t really write an entry. That and I was busy. There’s someone in my life who keeps bringing up my weight. And I don’t think they mean to hurt me, but they’re… Continue reading
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Neutrality
So, I have a really, really tough time trying to “love” myself. This isn’t a new thing either. It’s not like I woke up this morning and realized this. I’ve hated myself for so many decades that the thought of… Continue reading
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Navigating Trust and Friendships with Schizoaffective Disorder
I’m feeling off this week. Socially, emotionally, off. I feel like there’s a part missing in my life. And it’s the social part. I want to be social. But I also completely dread it and don’t want to at all.… Continue reading
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And Even More Doctor Appointments…
I had a lot more doctors appointments this week. I had sclerotherapy done on my left leg on Tuesday this week. One down by my ankle and another in my back calf – both on the left leg. It burned… Continue reading
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EMDR and Pain and Memory
I’m still in a lot of pain this week. My pain levels have been waking me up at night, every night. It’s quite exhausting. I’ve at least been able to take naps this week. I’m not always able to. But… Continue reading
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Psychosis, EMDR, and Pain Levels
The other day I was walking Bruce and I had a big visual hallucination. It was like the world was suddenly zooming out. I was looking down the sidewalk, and things were getting further away. Like in the cartoons. This… Continue reading
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Schizoaffective Disorder and Money
It’s been a slow moving week. I suppose that’s a good thing. I’ve been sorta unmotivated lately – unfocused. I can’t help but worry about the future. I’m paranoid about the next steps and what that looks like in my… Continue reading
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Vein Ablations and Therapy
So, the vein ablations are done. Thank goodness. The photo with this entry shows just how drastic of a difference the procedures have made. It’s amazing. I mean, I knew my feet and legs were discolored and swollen, but I… Continue reading
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Trauma, Pain Levels, and ADHD
I woke up in incredible amounts of pain on Wednesday this week. Incredible. I could barely fucking move. When I finally did, I had to move very, very slowly. Even on my morning walk with Bruce that day, I had… Continue reading
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C•PTSD and Trauma (Medical and Authoritative)
I’m 99.9% sure of my PTSD is actually C•PTSD. I’ve never really given it much thought until this last weekend. I mean, I have, but I haven’t put that much thought into it. I guess I never really looked up… Continue reading
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Anesthetics Frustrations But Then a Surprisingly Good Visit With My Psych NP
I’m angry this week. Frustrated is maybe a better word. I know it’s from the anesthetics last week. I know it is. It’s always like this. After every procedure. I really wish it wasn’t like this though. It’s super annoying.… Continue reading
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Being Social With Schizoaffective Disorder
I don’t know why I can’t just go out and about and be happy that someone wants to spend time with me. Oh wait, I do know why, it’s the voices. They’re always fucking shit up. Everytime I’m away from… Continue reading
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Capacity
I was having a brunch date with someone Saturday (it went really well!) and he reminded me that people only have so much capacity to deal with things, or to be there for others. Whatever things those may be. Whatever… Continue reading
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The Bug Situation and Being Emotional
This is how my week started… It’s Monday, and I have been so incredibly, unbearably anxious and paranoid lately. Like, crying at least several times every single day, for the past several weeks. And I don’t know what to do… Continue reading
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I’m Not Who I Once Was
I used to freak the fuck out. Over react to everything. Screaming. Yelling. Texting people nonstop about my random issues and problems. I answered the phone today when I shouldn’t have. I was frustrated about my car air and vents… Continue reading
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People Are Ridiculous
It’s been a stupid, shitty week again. High pain levels, and night terrors practically every night. My pain and night terrors have been taking turns waking me up every stupid fucking night. I’m exhausted. Last week was a doozy too.… Continue reading
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I Don’t Think I’m Bipolar, And I’m Mindblown
Again, I’m going to talk about my last psychotic episode. The one I had that ended last week, er, the week before, now. It lasted longer than I thought. Well, it started further back than I originally thought. I went… Continue reading
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After The Second Procedure
So, I had my latest procedure, a vein ablation this last week, last Tuesday. They did the other GSV, in my right leg this time. And at the follow up ultrasound appointment last Friday, a week ago, I was told… Continue reading
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The Difference Between A Manic and A Psychotic Episode
I realized that I trailed off in the middle of my last entry. I started talking about how I got triggered and just sort of ended the entry after that, ha! Sorry y’all! So, now I want to pick up… Continue reading
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This Last Episode
Welp, I renewed my domain name and subscription and whatnot with WordPress today. I’ve been writing at least once a week for this blog since 2022. Part of me says why stop now? Keep bitching and moaning. So here I… Continue reading
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The Difference Between Paranoia and Anxiety
The past couple of weeks have been difficult. And last weekend was really hard. But I’ve been hanging out at my therapist’s office a lot. There’s an art room there that’s just open most of the day for people to… Continue reading
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I Realized I was Depressed and Paranoid
I’m still upset at life. I still don’t know if I’m going to continue writing this blog or not. It’ll have been three years of it already in a few weeks. I haven’t decided if I’ll renew my domain name… Continue reading
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I’ve Just Been Sad The Past Few Weeks
It’s been a rough few weeks. This week was no exception. I’ve been agitated. I’ve been depressed. I can’t help but think that a psychosis episode is around the corner. I’m “due” for one, even though I hate saying that.… Continue reading
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My Various History of Hallucinations and Delusions
This is a long entry, I hope you find it as interesting as I do. I’ve been listening to the subject matter more of the background hallucinations I hear. I realized some of these are called “internal auditory hallucinations” –… Continue reading
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I Hate Arthritis
I have this giant entry all written up on my auditory hallucinations that I was going to post today. It’s a continuation from last week. But I’ll post that next week, or maybe in a day or two. I have… Continue reading
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Parts of My Verbal Auditory Hallucinations
I had a difficult realization over this last week. That most of the “neighbors” that I hear talking amongst themselves on my walks are still hallucinations. *sigh* I had noticed that there’s usually not one person outside when I hear… Continue reading
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I Had An Incident With My Now Ex-Therapist
It was halfway through with my therapy session and I was in a slight conversational lull and suddenly Jessie, the therapist who’s quitting in two weeks, after being in the office for about six months, started talking about her leaving,… Continue reading
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Anxiety and Agitation
I’ve been feeling very, I don’t know, annoyed this week. Very agitated and anxious are probably better descriptors. I’ve been thinking obsessively about going back to work. So much so that it’s been giving me anxiety attacks. I had one… Continue reading
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Trusting Myself For The First Time
All I’ve been doing the past few weeks is walking for my vein ablation recovery instructions. It’s been engulfing. Which is kinda nice because I feel like I haven’t had much time to think about a lot. Even though I… Continue reading
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I’m Feeling Like Isolating
I saw this meme quote thing the other day. It said something to the extent that trauma can make someone feel that they need to isolate. And I’ve been thinking about that a lot this week. I even talked about… Continue reading
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The First Vein Ablation
This was an eventful week. I’ve been busy and tired, but good. Voices have been acting up but not terribly bad, they’ve just been mildly annoying. Just mainly while I’m out on walks, like they do. They did better again… Continue reading
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Thought Loss
I’ve been dealing with a lot of thought loss the last few years. And it’s gotten better. But it’s much worse than it used to be. And I talk about this a lot. You know when you’re mid thought, mid… Continue reading
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The Voices Lately
The voices have been very tolerable lately. I haven’t been talking about them the last few entries and I figured I’d touch base with them this week. Things have been good – they’ve been quiet. But I’ve been taking my… Continue reading
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Patterns of My Psychosis are Surfacing
Holy shit, that’s it. That’s part of the prodromal phase for me. I pull away from people. I can see it now. People start annoying the shit out of me, for no reason. I suddenly hate getting messages and calls,… Continue reading
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After A Psychotic Episode
I can’t think this week. My mind is fuzzy and foggy. (before I forget, I talk about self harm in here in regards to an epiphany, but now you have been warned) I have been teaching myself Spanish the past… Continue reading
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How The Delusions and Hallucinations Engulf
I got into a comment conversation with a fellow writer and decided to write an entry around it. In my last post I had some hallucination dialogue – some back and forth between the voices, and she asked me if… Continue reading
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The Ramblings of My Voices
It’s Monday and the voices are still lingering. I may have to up my Paliperidone again. As of this week, I haven’t yet. I really don’t fucking want to. They’re telling me I’m living a lie, the voices are. That… Continue reading
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I Forgot That I Remembered It Wrong
My brain feels shriveled after that psychotic episode this last week. I’m just now resurfacing. It’s Saturday and I still can’t think properly. My body is fucking killing me. I mean, I’ve been walking more lately – trying to lose… Continue reading
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The Voices and Being Followed
Mental illness is bizarre. When the Paliperidone first started to clear up the bulk of my voices last year, I felt like I was always around people. Granted, I worked retail at the time too, so I was. But even… Continue reading
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ADHD and Medication Changes
I’ve been feeling a bit better in my lumbar ablation recovery. Walking good and eating less. Trying to at least. This week has been decent with those types of things. Could be better. But it also could be a lot… Continue reading
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Hallucinations and an Ablation
It’s Sunday afternoon and my back pain is making me nauseous. It’s 4:16pm and all i’ve had is a Red Bull and a Chobani Flip. Quite a stark contrast from the last few days. I hurt. My lower back feels… Continue reading
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My Eating is an Addiction
My eating is an addiction. I want that immediate pleasure from food. I want that instant satisfaction. And I wanted it yesterday. And every day I wake up telling myself that today is going to be the day where I… Continue reading
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Pain, Inflammation, and a Crappy U.S. Doctor
I’m in so much pain. So. Much. Pain. And it feels like no one cares. I know people do, but I hate complaining about it at the same time so I try really hard not to. But I’ve been crying… Continue reading
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The Intensity of Inflammation
I had been off Prozac for about a week, week and a half, before starting back up on the 20mg capsules yesterday (it’s Tuesday) I can’t do life without a SSRI. Fuck that bullshit. I have some capsules left, so… Continue reading
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Physical Pain
I don’t feel like writing this week. I’ve tried. I’ve written like six or seven half entires, trying to get something together for this blog this week. And I can’t seem to focus. It’s super rainy today. And it’s been… Continue reading
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Weight and Sweat
I just noticed I’ve been avoiding taking my picture again lately. I know I hate how heavy I am again. I’ve gained what feels like a ton of weight back after losing 100lbs. It’s not a ton, but I have… Continue reading
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Hoping I Don’t Crash
I got one of the sun shine mimicking lightbulbs. Well, technically it’s a two pack. And I put one in my lamp in the living room the other day and really like it so far. I was hoping it’d be… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Twelve
I’m coming off of my Buspirone this weekend. Fuck that shit. I’m sick of it. It doesn’t work. I’m sick of the medication fillers that puff my body up. That makes my vision blurry. That makes my body feel stagnant… Continue reading
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Weight Gain Sucks
I’ve been better about writing this week. I just seemingly can’t write anything I’d like to post. So this is me giving it yet another shot with this entry. Hopefully this one will be the winner. My weight is getting… Continue reading
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I’m No Longer Actively Hating Myself
Welp, trump won. That fucking happened. I sure as hell didn’t vote for him. But that’s not what this entry is about, so I digress. I was in therapy on Thursday morning and Sean asked me what I was doing/thinking/feeling… Continue reading
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Prescriptions and Pharmacies
Oh my god I hate dealing with pharmacies. Everytime I transfer something or try to fill something I’m met with a fucking brick wall. It’s really rare that a pharmacist cares about what’s happening, but I have that at CVS… Continue reading
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That Dental Disease
Well I knew this but I didn’t know it was that bad. I have Periodontal Disease. And it’s gotten quite a bit worse since the last time I was at the dentist just a few months ago. So much so… Continue reading
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Untitled
It’s been a great week. And it’s only Tuesday as I start this entry. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that. Today I got some of the backpay from my disability claim. I was able… Continue reading
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Ignoring Certain Things
I’ve been ignoring my physical health for a while now again. A few months. It’s just so hard to focus on anything with my medications being leveled out and my disability hearing and all of that being in limbo for… Continue reading
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“RCA”
WARNING: I’m not trying to get into any sort of debate, this is just how I feel about religion. I never talk about religion but the time has come to open up about it. Religion isn’t important to me. At… Continue reading
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Anxiety and Approval
I’ve had several panic attacks in the past week. Big panic attacks. So much so that I debated going to the ER with one of them. But I think that my disability appeals have finally been approved. I’m pretty sure… Continue reading
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I Quit (Smoking)
You heard it folks, I’m officially done with cigarettes. It’s been a nasty and long relationship, but I’ve whipped out my white flag to shake around and have surrendered. I’m not buying anymore tobacco. Hopefully ever. It sucks. I’ll be… Continue reading
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Signs of an Episode
There are a few things that are signs that a psychotic episode is going to happen or is happening to me. The more I think about it, I’m able to slowly put two and two together a bit better as… Continue reading
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Masking My Emotions And An Epiphany
I noticed that after my therapist told me I didn’t fit the criteria for a manic or even a hypomanic episode, my depression has started creeping up with the elevated mood still here. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t understand… Continue reading
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The Effort is There
I’m trying really hard to change. I am. I’m now taking my meds, I’m seeing a therapist weekly and have been for over two years now. I’m seeing a psychiatrist too, every two or three months for the past like,… Continue reading
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Bipolar Rage
I can’t keep doing the same things and expect things to be different. That’s literally insanity. I have been an oversharer most of my life. But that’s not me anymore. Well, rather, I don’t want to be that person anymore.… Continue reading
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Medication Adherence
It’s like one good thing happens and then a bunch of terrible things follow suit. I didn’t have therapy last week because of the fourth of July holiday was that same day. Today, Thursday, 40 min before our session, my… Continue reading
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The Day I Lost My Facebook To Hackers
You just read it, it happened. That’s the whole story, really. Motherfuckers got all of my photos lost/disabled now and I’m so fucking pissed about it. I cried hard about it when it happened. And I totally self harmed too.… Continue reading
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Group Wasn’t The Best Idea Today
I just got done with a life skills group at my therapists office and I’m now almost out of control angry. I almost self harmed again on the way home. But instead, I cried. We’re learning about a therapy type… Continue reading
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An Incomplete Puzzle
The past couple weeks I’ve gone to a life skills class at my therapist’s office. They have an art room there too folks just hang out in. Sean, my therapist, actually runs the group and suggested I give it a… Continue reading
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Pain Levels and Depression Medication
My inflammatory osteoarthritis hasn’t been letting me sleep at all this week. Well, it’s been six days now of not being able to stay asleep through even half the night. It’s terrible really. I’m exhausted and can’t sleep because my… Continue reading
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A Weekend to Remember
I had a wonderful weekend last week. It was full of a wedding and blissful food and amazing, loving people. It was terrific. I only really had one hour or so of symptoms, hearing the other people that are really… Continue reading
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Self Talk
I have been starting to do more positive self talk this week. Just to myself, in my head. I’ve been really trying to tell myself that I’m a good person. And I deserve to take care of myself. That I… Continue reading
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It’s Tiring
So I apologized to my neighbor today about my explosion yesterday and she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. Maybe I made it all up. Or she was drunk like she gets. But she literally… Continue reading
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I Confronted the Neighbors
I went out and asked them if they had just been talking about me. Talking shit, technically. I just blurted it out when I looked up at the third floor balcony. They were both out there. “Were you guys just… Continue reading
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Side Note 2
These symptoms – hallucinations, delusions, paranoia.. they make me feel out of control. Like I don’t have a grip on my life. Like I’m lesser than a typical person because I can’t follow through with plans half of the time… Continue reading
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When My Anger Shows
I get so frustrated with myself. I’m still mad at myself. About raising my voice at the dentist’s office the other day. I hate that I do that shit. It’s super unhealthy. I don’t know why I do it. I… Continue reading
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Disconnections
I realized I had a tooth ache on Sunday. I say that because I knew something was off. I knew my cheek had been sore. The past week or two. I’ve noticed some chewing issues. But it didn’t click. It… Continue reading
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Patterns of Good and Bad
Now that I don’t eat cheese. I see tons of commercials for it. Every style. Every type. Pizza commercials are the worst. It’s torture. I just get so uncomfortable. And it’s apparent directly after eating it. So much so that… Continue reading
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Appointment Reminders
My mental health clinic texts me appointment reminders. And since they got this service. I have been getting SO many reminder texts. I honestly thought that they had plugged my phone number into a place holder account or something. Because… Continue reading
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An Empty Parking Lot
I feel as though I’ve helped destroy my life. Well, let me rephrase that. I feel as though mental illness has helped destroy my life. My symptoms. My lack of decent behaviors. My shit coping mechanisms. My complete lack of… Continue reading
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Friends: Part Two
I used to get so frustrated with some of my friends. I mean, almost enraged at times. And I was never afraid to show it. With actions or words. Or tone of voice. I never said I wasn’t toxic before… Continue reading
A Delusional Predisposition 