There’s that phrase that says you can’t love anyone until you love yourself.

And I think that’s bullshit.

I have loved many people while not even knowing how to like myself, let alone love myself.

Hell, I just barely started liking myself till very recently.

I feel like I pour all of my love into whomever in the moment.

And I pour love onto everyone.

I try to treat people how I want to be treated.

Even though I don’t love myself, I absolutely have love to give.

Self hatred is complicated, and it strings along the other maladaptive coping strategies and behaviors.

It has taken me down countless painful paths in my life and really just muddled things up inside of me.

I start to think that I’m not worthy of love.

Partially because I’ve been told that in my past by my ex husband, and partially because I believe it at times.

It’s like how I live for other people that I love.

I am not alive because I necessarily want to be, I’m alive because it would break some people’s hearts, including my dog, Bruce.

And now, I live for Bruce.

This is why I always have a dog.

I need to live for someone.

Because I don’t have anything in my life that I want to live for, besides him.

And my parents.

I haven’t let go because of them too.

And I don’t mean to put pressure on anyone or anything like that.

I’m just still here because of them.

Becuase I love them and I know if I do kill myself, they would be horribly hurt.

And I’m not trying to hurt anyone.

And because my past suicide attempts obviously didn’t work.

To be totally honest.

Even though just yesterday I had a long thought about jerking my steering wheel to a hard right while on the highway.

I didn’t do it, but I thought about it almost the whole time.

Because now I feel like I can live for people, not for myself.

And eventually I can live for myself as I get healthier.

It’s like that phrase fake it till you make it.

I hate it too, but it’s got some truth to it.

And in a way, that’s what living for someone else is, faking it (loving yourself) till you make it (till you’re able to love yourself).

I just don’t like the idea of faking at other points of my life.

I can’t fake my not wanting to be in public spaces anymore.

I just don’t go out much.

There’s nothing to fake because fuck that.

I suppose my writings could play into that.

I just started writing one day and haven’t stopped yet.

I was just sorta going through what I wanted to talk about in a jumbled way until I found my flow.

And now that I’m in my flow I can see how hollow my oldest writings are.

How much I’ve grown over just this past year.

And as the time passed and I kept writing I found my path to take with it all.

So I guess it does work, sorta.

I still don’t really like the phrase though.

I feel like it’s implying that someone can’t do something unless they’re 100% ready and that’s just not true.

It’s not realistic.

I also feel like it’s encouraging people to mask and conceal themselves until they “make it”.

And who judges that part anyway?

Masking is a whole different entry but I feel like it’s the outcome from faking it till you make it.

And it’s not terribly healthy.

There’s a time and a place for it to gain social acceptance and so people don’t ask any fucking questions about my demeanor.

These phrases or sayings are ingrained in people’s vocabulary and a lot of people find them helpful.

I’m not trying to put down something if it’s working for you.

That’s not at all my intention.

I just am not a fan of it.

I’m a fan of doing what works for you.

A healthy, winding path to travel down slowly, that’s for me.

Not all of these wild phrases and saying that cycle around.

– Keren