I haven’t been able to put much energy into my blog the past couple of weeks.

I know I wrote some shit, but I was frustrated and symptomatic more than anything.

It’s whatever.

I’m trying to not be hard on myself.

I’m trying to write, but it’s tough when my symptoms are present.

I have been able to avoid talking about it, but the elephant in the room needs to be pulled into the light.

I’ve been so out of it, and down again, and symptomatic lately because of the stress from getting denied disability benefits again.

For the second time.

This is actually my third time applying in general.

But I’ve been appealing and have now had to put in another appeal on top of the one I’ve already done.

This now means a hearing is the next step and I don’t know where that leaves me besides fucking stressed out

Well, there’s more waiting too.

No timeline this time.

It’s been years of waiting at this point.

So I guess I do know where it leaves me – waiting here, checking my mail everyday for communications from the SSA.

Come to find out most people have to get to a hearing stage before they get a real answer and this is sorta typical on the road to disability benefits.

Well, knowing that didn’t stop me from crying for a week and a half straight after the second denial.

I don’t know why I didn’t want to bring it up on here.

It feels really, too personal I guess.

And I’m paranoid that I’m going to be “found out” or something.

I don’t know.

I haven’t been able to do much productive lately.

Not that anything is at fault.

Just from the sheer disappointment of it all.

It’s heavy and alienating feeling.

And then I feel like I’m going to ruin my chances of getting it by talking about it or something.

It’s stupid.

I need to just help myself process and I do that best through writing.

Unpacking all of this shit while being sorta constructive.

It seems to help.

At least it’s something that sorta works.

Oh, speaking of that, my prescribing psych NP wants to now take me off of the Haldol and make it a PRN.

Which just means, as needed.

So, now that things are looking a little decent and I’m fairly stable on my meds let’s go right ahead and fix that and fuck with your medications again.

And again.

And again.

It’s never ending.

I wanted to maybe come down a bit on the Haldol, but not like, take it away almost entirely.

And he brought it up too – not me, I wasn’t going to fuck with anything anytime soon.

I just said okay to him wanting me off of it.

It is what it is.

And the last thing I want is for him to stop prescribing it all together.

Whatever.

I’m tired of not feeling anything, or being really symptomatic, and then having no fucking inbetween.

I’m sick of all of it.

And now that it’s been a few days off the Haldol, I’ve been getting really agitated again.

Antsy.

I’m trying to ignore it but I know how that goes too.

We’ll see.

I mean, I stopped it…

So, I’m adhering with his request

He just said he doesn’t want me on two antipsychotics at a time.

Which, I get, but I was put on it due to the countless fucking breakthrough symptoms in the first place, so I don’t know what he’s actually doing.

I feel like taking me off of it is what my Dad used to say to me as a kid, that I’m “cruisin’ for a bruise’n” with that.

Like, I’m asking for symptoms to pop up by coming off of it.

I’m asking for trouble.

No shit they’ll come back, and then what.

Then I’m back on it as needed but taking it twice a day anyway.

I don’t know, it all seems pretty fucked up to me.

But what do I know.

It’s quieter again this week which has been helpful.

But today I’m restless feeling.

Like I’m forgetting to do something important.

Or like I’m waiting for a phone call.

Which I guess I am waiting with the whole SSDI process to get moving again.

And a lot of the restlessness has to do with the denial too.

Actually, it has a shit ton to do with it.

I know the stress of it is showing up in so many different ways, and this is just the beginning but it’s all so nerve wracking.

Because I can’t work.

Not with the hallucinations and delusions like they are.

They’re unpredictable and I’m not able to be responsible for task completion and rule adhesion.

I can’t do it.

Not right now.

There will be miscommunication because I can’t tell if what I’m hearing or seeing at any given moment is true or not.

I want to be able to work but I can’t.

I don’t want to be this unproductive member of society.

I want to be able to hold my own.

But I can’t.

And it’s up to a total stranger to tell me if I can or can’t recieve disability benefits.

And that makes me want to cry again.

– Keren