A Delusional Predisposition

grief

  • Neutrality

    So, I have a really, really tough time trying to “love” myself. This isn’t a new thing either. It’s not like I woke up this morning and realized this. I’ve hated myself for so many decades that the thought of… Continue reading

    Neutrality

  • Navigating Trust and Friendships with Schizoaffective Disorder

    I’m feeling off this week. Socially, emotionally, off. I feel like there’s a part missing in my life. And it’s the social part. I want to be social. But I also completely dread it and don’t want to at all.… Continue reading

    Navigating Trust and Friendships with Schizoaffective Disorder

  • Voices and Even More Appointments 

    I had a couple following me the other day. I smelled a thick fog of weed smoke as I was walking Bruce, at the front of the apartment complex. As I smelled it, and Bruce smelled the ground, the couple… Continue reading

    Voices and Even More Appointments 

  • Food and Hallucinations (and More Doctor Appointments)

    I keep having weeks so busy that I have no time to write. I keep forgetting to fill out my mood app every day too. Then I have to go back and try to remember what was going on on… Continue reading

    Food and Hallucinations (and More Doctor Appointments)

  • And Even More Doctor Appointments…

    I had a lot more doctors appointments this week. I had sclerotherapy done on my left leg on Tuesday this week. One down by my ankle and another in my back calf – both on the left leg. It burned… Continue reading

    And Even More Doctor Appointments…

  • The Doctor Said…

    I started crying today. Because of stupid facebook and a bunch of other stuff. But I’m telling you, every single time that I try to reach out or comment on someone’s post on facebook, it backfires on me. People end… Continue reading

    The Doctor Said…

  • EMDR and Pain and Memory

    I’m still in a lot of pain this week. My pain levels have been waking me up at night, every night. It’s quite exhausting. I’ve at least been able to take naps this week. I’m not always able to. But… Continue reading

    EMDR and Pain and Memory

  • Psychosis, EMDR, and Pain Levels

    The other day I was walking Bruce and I had a big visual hallucination. It was like the world was suddenly zooming out. I was looking down the sidewalk, and things were getting further away. Like in the cartoons. This… Continue reading

    Psychosis, EMDR, and Pain Levels

  • Schizoaffective Disorder and Money

    It’s been a slow moving week. I suppose that’s a good thing. I’ve been sorta unmotivated lately – unfocused. I can’t help but worry about the future. I’m paranoid about the next steps and what that looks like in my… Continue reading

    Schizoaffective Disorder and Money

  • Vein Ablations and Therapy

    So, the vein ablations are done. Thank goodness. The photo with this entry shows just how drastic of a difference the procedures have made. It’s amazing. I mean, I knew my feet and legs were discolored and swollen, but I… Continue reading

    Vein Ablations and Therapy

  • C•PTSD and Trauma (Medical and Authoritative) 

    I’m 99.9% sure of my PTSD is actually C•PTSD.  I’ve never really given it much thought until this last weekend. I mean, I have, but I haven’t put that much thought into it. I guess I never really looked up… Continue reading

    C•PTSD and Trauma (Medical and Authoritative) 

  • The Time I Started A Forest Fire

    I had a good therapy session this week. My therapist has just gotten her EMDR certification a few weeks ago, maybe a month ago now. And she’s using me as a guinea pig – which I love. We worked on… Continue reading

    The Time I Started A Forest Fire

  • Anesthetics Frustrations But Then a Surprisingly Good Visit With My Psych NP

    I’m angry this week. Frustrated is maybe a better word. I know it’s from the anesthetics last week. I know it is. It’s always like this. After every procedure. I really wish it wasn’t like this though. It’s super annoying.… Continue reading

    Anesthetics Frustrations But Then a Surprisingly Good Visit With My Psych NP

  • Being Social With Schizoaffective Disorder

    I don’t know why I can’t just go out and about and be happy that someone wants to spend time with me. Oh wait, I do know why, it’s the voices. They’re always fucking shit up. Everytime I’m away from… Continue reading

    Being Social With Schizoaffective Disorder

  • Capacity

    I was having a brunch date with someone Saturday (it went really well!) and he reminded me that people only have so much capacity to deal with things, or to be there for others. Whatever things those may be. Whatever… Continue reading

    Capacity

  • The Bug Situation and Being Emotional

    This is how my week started… It’s Monday, and I have been so incredibly, unbearably anxious and paranoid lately. Like, crying at least several times every single day, for the past several weeks. And I don’t know what to do… Continue reading

    The Bug Situation and Being Emotional

  • I’m Not Who I Once Was

    I used to freak the fuck out. Over react to everything. Screaming. Yelling. Texting people nonstop about my random issues and problems. I answered the phone today when I shouldn’t have. I was frustrated about my car air and vents… Continue reading

    I’m Not Who I Once Was

  • People Are Ridiculous

    It’s been a stupid, shitty week again. High pain levels, and night terrors practically every night. My pain and night terrors have been taking turns waking me up every stupid fucking night. I’m exhausted. Last week was a doozy too.… Continue reading

    People Are Ridiculous

  • I Don’t Think I’m Bipolar, And I’m Mindblown

    Again, I’m going to talk about my last psychotic episode. The one I had that ended last week, er, the week before, now. It lasted longer than I thought. Well, it started further back than I originally thought. I went… Continue reading

    I Don’t Think I’m Bipolar, And I’m Mindblown

  • After The Second Procedure

    So, I had my latest procedure, a vein ablation this last week, last Tuesday. They did the other GSV, in my right leg this time. And at the follow up ultrasound appointment last Friday, a week ago, I was told… Continue reading

    After The Second Procedure

  • The Difference Between A Manic and A Psychotic Episode

    I realized that I trailed off in the middle of my last entry. I started talking about how I got triggered and just sort of ended the entry after that, ha!  Sorry y’all! So, now I want to pick up… Continue reading

    The Difference Between A Manic and A Psychotic Episode

  • This Last Episode

    Welp, I renewed my domain name and subscription and whatnot with WordPress today.  I’ve been writing at least once a week for this blog since 2022. Part of me says why stop now? Keep bitching and moaning. So here I… Continue reading

    This Last Episode

  • The Difference Between Paranoia and Anxiety

    The past couple of weeks have been difficult. And last weekend was really hard. But I’ve been hanging out at my therapist’s office a lot. There’s an art room there that’s just open most of the day for people to… Continue reading

    The Difference Between Paranoia and Anxiety

  • I Realized I was Depressed and Paranoid

    I’m still upset at life. I still don’t know if I’m going to continue writing this blog or not. It’ll have been three years of it already in a few weeks. I haven’t decided if I’ll renew my domain name… Continue reading

    I Realized I was Depressed and Paranoid

  • I’ve Just Been Sad The Past Few Weeks

    It’s been a rough few weeks. This week was no exception. I’ve been agitated. I’ve been depressed. I can’t help but think that a psychosis episode is around the corner. I’m “due” for one, even though I hate saying that.… Continue reading

    I’ve Just Been Sad The Past Few Weeks

  • My Various History of Hallucinations and Delusions

    This is a long entry, I hope you find it as interesting as I do. I’ve been listening to the subject matter more of the background hallucinations I hear. I realized some of these are called “internal auditory hallucinations” –… Continue reading

    My Various History of Hallucinations and Delusions

  • I Hate Arthritis

    I have this giant entry all written up on my auditory hallucinations that I was going to post today. It’s a continuation from last week. But I’ll post that next week, or maybe in a day or two. I have… Continue reading

    I Hate Arthritis

  • Parts of My Verbal Auditory Hallucinations

    I had a difficult realization over this last week. That most of the “neighbors” that I hear talking amongst themselves on my walks are still hallucinations. *sigh* I had noticed that there’s usually not one person outside when I hear… Continue reading

    Parts of My Verbal Auditory Hallucinations

  • I Had An Incident With My Now Ex-Therapist

    It was halfway through with my therapy session and I was in a slight conversational lull and suddenly Jessie, the therapist who’s quitting in two weeks, after being in the office for about six months, started talking about her leaving,… Continue reading

    I Had An Incident With My Now Ex-Therapist

  • Anxiety and Agitation

    I’ve been feeling very, I don’t know, annoyed this week. Very agitated and anxious are probably better descriptors. I’ve been thinking obsessively about going back to work. So much so that it’s been giving me anxiety attacks. I had one… Continue reading

    Anxiety and Agitation

  • I’m Feeling Like Isolating

    I saw this meme quote thing the other day. It said something to the extent that trauma can make someone feel that they need to isolate. And I’ve been thinking about that a lot this week. I even talked about… Continue reading

    I’m Feeling Like Isolating

  • Thought Loss

    I’ve been dealing with a lot of thought loss the last few years. And it’s gotten better. But it’s much worse than it used to be. And I talk about this a lot. You know when you’re mid thought, mid… Continue reading

    Thought Loss

  • The Voices Lately

    The voices have been very tolerable lately. I haven’t been talking about them the last few entries and I figured I’d touch base with them this week. Things have been good – they’ve been quiet. But I’ve been taking my… Continue reading

    The Voices Lately

  • A Vein Ablation and Weight Loss

    I’m having a decent week, finally. After episodes of pain, psychosis, depression, anxiety, more pain, more psychosis, more depression and then even more pain and then even more psychosis and then even more anxiety, I can finally, finally breathe today.… Continue reading

    A Vein Ablation and Weight Loss

  • The Transitional Times

    I don’t know how I feel this week. Monday I was severely anxious. Tuesday I was in a terrible mood, but social. Wednesday I was withdrawn and was quite literally aching with loneliness. Thursday I was completely anxious all day… Continue reading

    The Transitional Times

  • My Therapy Journey

    I can’t even tell you how many therapists I’ve seen in my life. Dozens, easy. I used to think therapy was useless. What good does it do to talk to a stranger (who you’re paying) about my stupid life? It’s… Continue reading

    My Therapy Journey

  • Patterns of My Psychosis are Surfacing

    Holy shit, that’s it. That’s part of the prodromal phase for me. I pull away from people. I can see it now. People start annoying the shit out of me, for no reason. I suddenly hate getting messages and calls,… Continue reading

    Patterns of My Psychosis are Surfacing

  • After A Psychotic Episode

    I can’t think this week. My mind is fuzzy and foggy. (before I forget, I talk about self harm in here in regards to an epiphany, but now you have been warned) I have been teaching myself Spanish the past… Continue reading

    After A Psychotic Episode

  • How The Delusions and Hallucinations Engulf

    I got into a comment conversation with a fellow writer and decided to write an entry around it. In my last post I had some hallucination dialogue – some back and forth between the voices, and she asked me if… Continue reading

    How The Delusions and Hallucinations Engulf

  • The Ramblings of My Voices

    It’s Monday and the voices are still lingering. I may have to up my Paliperidone again. As of this week, I haven’t yet. I really don’t fucking want to. They’re telling me I’m living a lie, the voices are. That… Continue reading

    The Ramblings of My Voices

  • I Forgot That I Remembered It Wrong

    My brain feels shriveled after that psychotic episode this last week. I’m just now resurfacing. It’s Saturday and I still can’t think properly. My body is fucking killing me. I mean, I’ve been walking more lately – trying to lose… Continue reading

    I Forgot That I Remembered It Wrong

  • ADHD and Medication Changes

    I’ve been feeling a bit better in my lumbar ablation recovery. Walking good and eating less. Trying to at least. This week has been decent with those types of things. Could be better. But it also could be a lot… Continue reading

    ADHD and Medication Changes

  • Hallucinations and an Ablation

    It’s Sunday afternoon and my back pain is making me nauseous. It’s 4:16pm and all i’ve had is a Red Bull and a Chobani Flip. Quite a stark contrast from the last few days. I hurt. My lower back feels… Continue reading

    Hallucinations and an Ablation

  • My Eating is an Addiction

    My eating is an addiction. I want that immediate pleasure from food. I want that instant satisfaction. And I wanted it yesterday. And every day I wake up telling myself that today is going to be the day where I… Continue reading

    My Eating is an Addiction

  • Delusions and Healthcare Crap

    I’m feeling like part of my fear about fires that I’ve been writing about is partially a delusion that I’m working through. Sure it’s anxiety too. For sure it is. But I feel like the bigger part of it is… Continue reading

    Delusions and Healthcare Crap

  • Prescriptions and Pharmacies

    Oh my god I hate dealing with pharmacies. Everytime I transfer something or try to fill something I’m met with a fucking brick wall. It’s really rare that a pharmacist cares about what’s happening, but I have that at CVS… Continue reading

    Prescriptions and Pharmacies

  • Inflammation

    As I write this my normally very narrow ankles are the size between a baseball and a softball. Both of them. My knees are swollen too and so are my shoulders and my back. I can feel them. I can… Continue reading

    Inflammation

  • That Dental Disease

    Well I knew this but I didn’t know it was that bad. I have Periodontal Disease. And it’s gotten quite a bit worse since the last time I was at the dentist just a few months ago. So much so… Continue reading

    That Dental Disease

  • Addiction Tools

    I’m super antsy today. It’s Sunday afternoon and I feel like doing something. But I don’t know what to do and don’t really want to spend any money and everywhere is closed today. So I ate something and am now… Continue reading

    Addiction Tools

  • The Day I Lost My Facebook To Hackers

    You just read it, it happened. That’s the whole story, really. Motherfuckers got all of my photos lost/disabled now and I’m so fucking pissed about it. I cried hard about it when it happened. And I totally self harmed too.… Continue reading

    The Day I Lost My Facebook To Hackers

  • Pain Levels and Depression Medication

    My inflammatory osteoarthritis hasn’t been letting me sleep at all this week. Well, it’s been six days now of not being able to stay asleep through even half the night. It’s terrible really. I’m exhausted and can’t sleep because my… Continue reading

    Pain Levels and Depression Medication

  • Medications: Part Eight

    I have been pretty stable with medications lately. I just got my Invega Sustenna injection again this last Tuesday. They had switched up my appointment without telling me but luckily the nurse was available to give it to me really… Continue reading

    Medications: Part Eight

  • Imposter

    It’s been feeling like I don’t have much to write about the last few weeks. I’ve been posting still, but I’m back to once a week right now for the most part. I sometimes wonder if the pain that comes… Continue reading

    Imposter

  • It’s Tiring: Part Two

    I was supposed to have an appointment with my prescriber (my psych NP) for my mental illness medications yesterday, but he called out and I got rescheduled. I did get my Invega injection at least. It was three days early… Continue reading

    It’s Tiring: Part Two

  • Debbie Downer

    I didn’t go to the gym again yesterday. I didn’t want to. Didn’t feel like it. It’s been a rough week. I did go to my schizophrenia support group online Thursday night though. So that helped a little bit. I… Continue reading

    Debbie Downer

  • I Confronted the Neighbors

    I went out and asked them if they had just been talking about me. Talking shit, technically. I just blurted it out when I looked up at the third floor balcony. They were both out there. “Were you guys just… Continue reading

    I Confronted the Neighbors

  • This Too Shall Pass

    I noticed a lack of something latey. Music in my head. I used to have music playing constantly in my mind. Tones that I had heard before. Songs that I know. Layered over and through oneanother. Just, really, quite constant… Continue reading

    This Too Shall Pass