A Delusional Predisposition

reframing

  • Control

    Something different for my blog post this week since I missed last week again… I read this for poetry night at my therapists office last week. It’s called Control… This turbulence seems to have subsided for now And I don’t… Continue reading

    Control

  • Nano PRP and Group Therapy

    It’s been a decent week. I got my nano PRP injections today (it’s Friday). The stem cells from umbilical cords. My knees feel cushioned this afternoon. So does my left big toe. My knees have been incredibly painful the past… Continue reading

    Nano PRP and Group Therapy

  • Neutrality

    So, I have a really, really tough time trying to “love” myself. This isn’t a new thing either. It’s not like I woke up this morning and realized this. I’ve hated myself for so many decades that the thought of… Continue reading

    Neutrality

  • Navigating Trust and Friendships with Schizoaffective Disorder

    I’m feeling off this week. Socially, emotionally, off. I feel like there’s a part missing in my life. And it’s the social part. I want to be social. But I also completely dread it and don’t want to at all.… Continue reading

    Navigating Trust and Friendships with Schizoaffective Disorder

  • EMDR Work and a Nutritionist Appointment 

    I’ve been doing EMDR therapy with my one on one therapist for a while now. She’s been having me write down my triggers throughout the weeks. And I’ve noticed that as we go on, I’m getting triggered less and less.… Continue reading

    EMDR Work and a Nutritionist Appointment 

  • Voices and Even More Appointments 

    I had a couple following me the other day. I smelled a thick fog of weed smoke as I was walking Bruce, at the front of the apartment complex. As I smelled it, and Bruce smelled the ground, the couple… Continue reading

    Voices and Even More Appointments 

  • Food and Hallucinations (and More Doctor Appointments)

    I keep having weeks so busy that I have no time to write. I keep forgetting to fill out my mood app every day too. Then I have to go back and try to remember what was going on on… Continue reading

    Food and Hallucinations (and More Doctor Appointments)

  • And Even More Doctor Appointments…

    I had a lot more doctors appointments this week. I had sclerotherapy done on my left leg on Tuesday this week. One down by my ankle and another in my back calf – both on the left leg. It burned… Continue reading

    And Even More Doctor Appointments…

  • The Doctor Said…

    I started crying today. Because of stupid facebook and a bunch of other stuff. But I’m telling you, every single time that I try to reach out or comment on someone’s post on facebook, it backfires on me. People end… Continue reading

    The Doctor Said…

  • EMDR and Pain and Memory

    I’m still in a lot of pain this week. My pain levels have been waking me up at night, every night. It’s quite exhausting. I’ve at least been able to take naps this week. I’m not always able to. But… Continue reading

    EMDR and Pain and Memory

  • Psychosis, EMDR, and Pain Levels

    The other day I was walking Bruce and I had a big visual hallucination. It was like the world was suddenly zooming out. I was looking down the sidewalk, and things were getting further away. Like in the cartoons. This… Continue reading

    Psychosis, EMDR, and Pain Levels

  • Schizoaffective Disorder and Money

    It’s been a slow moving week. I suppose that’s a good thing. I’ve been sorta unmotivated lately – unfocused. I can’t help but worry about the future. I’m paranoid about the next steps and what that looks like in my… Continue reading

    Schizoaffective Disorder and Money

  • Vein Ablations and Therapy

    So, the vein ablations are done. Thank goodness. The photo with this entry shows just how drastic of a difference the procedures have made. It’s amazing. I mean, I knew my feet and legs were discolored and swollen, but I… Continue reading

    Vein Ablations and Therapy

  • Trauma, Pain Levels, and ADHD

    I woke up in incredible amounts of pain on Wednesday this week. Incredible. I could barely fucking move. When I finally did, I had to move very, very slowly. Even on my morning walk with Bruce that day, I had… Continue reading

    Trauma, Pain Levels, and ADHD

  • C•PTSD and Trauma (Medical and Authoritative) 

    I’m 99.9% sure of my PTSD is actually C•PTSD.  I’ve never really given it much thought until this last weekend. I mean, I have, but I haven’t put that much thought into it. I guess I never really looked up… Continue reading

    C•PTSD and Trauma (Medical and Authoritative) 

  • The Time I Started A Forest Fire

    I had a good therapy session this week. My therapist has just gotten her EMDR certification a few weeks ago, maybe a month ago now. And she’s using me as a guinea pig – which I love. We worked on… Continue reading

    The Time I Started A Forest Fire

  • Anesthetics Frustrations But Then a Surprisingly Good Visit With My Psych NP

    I’m angry this week. Frustrated is maybe a better word. I know it’s from the anesthetics last week. I know it is. It’s always like this. After every procedure. I really wish it wasn’t like this though. It’s super annoying.… Continue reading

    Anesthetics Frustrations But Then a Surprisingly Good Visit With My Psych NP

  • Being Social With Schizoaffective Disorder

    I don’t know why I can’t just go out and about and be happy that someone wants to spend time with me. Oh wait, I do know why, it’s the voices. They’re always fucking shit up. Everytime I’m away from… Continue reading

    Being Social With Schizoaffective Disorder

  • Capacity

    I was having a brunch date with someone Saturday (it went really well!) and he reminded me that people only have so much capacity to deal with things, or to be there for others. Whatever things those may be. Whatever… Continue reading

    Capacity

  • The Bug Situation and Being Emotional

    This is how my week started… It’s Monday, and I have been so incredibly, unbearably anxious and paranoid lately. Like, crying at least several times every single day, for the past several weeks. And I don’t know what to do… Continue reading

    The Bug Situation and Being Emotional

  • I’m Not Who I Once Was

    I used to freak the fuck out. Over react to everything. Screaming. Yelling. Texting people nonstop about my random issues and problems. I answered the phone today when I shouldn’t have. I was frustrated about my car air and vents… Continue reading

    I’m Not Who I Once Was

  • People Are Ridiculous

    It’s been a stupid, shitty week again. High pain levels, and night terrors practically every night. My pain and night terrors have been taking turns waking me up every stupid fucking night. I’m exhausted. Last week was a doozy too.… Continue reading

    People Are Ridiculous

  • I Don’t Think I’m Bipolar, And I’m Mindblown

    Again, I’m going to talk about my last psychotic episode. The one I had that ended last week, er, the week before, now. It lasted longer than I thought. Well, it started further back than I originally thought. I went… Continue reading

    I Don’t Think I’m Bipolar, And I’m Mindblown

  • After The Second Procedure

    So, I had my latest procedure, a vein ablation this last week, last Tuesday. They did the other GSV, in my right leg this time. And at the follow up ultrasound appointment last Friday, a week ago, I was told… Continue reading

    After The Second Procedure

  • The Difference Between A Manic and A Psychotic Episode

    I realized that I trailed off in the middle of my last entry. I started talking about how I got triggered and just sort of ended the entry after that, ha!  Sorry y’all! So, now I want to pick up… Continue reading

    The Difference Between A Manic and A Psychotic Episode

  • This Last Episode

    Welp, I renewed my domain name and subscription and whatnot with WordPress today.  I’ve been writing at least once a week for this blog since 2022. Part of me says why stop now? Keep bitching and moaning. So here I… Continue reading

    This Last Episode

  • The Difference Between Paranoia and Anxiety

    The past couple of weeks have been difficult. And last weekend was really hard. But I’ve been hanging out at my therapist’s office a lot. There’s an art room there that’s just open most of the day for people to… Continue reading

    The Difference Between Paranoia and Anxiety

  • I Realized I was Depressed and Paranoid

    I’m still upset at life. I still don’t know if I’m going to continue writing this blog or not. It’ll have been three years of it already in a few weeks. I haven’t decided if I’ll renew my domain name… Continue reading

    I Realized I was Depressed and Paranoid

  • I’ve Just Been Sad The Past Few Weeks

    It’s been a rough few weeks. This week was no exception. I’ve been agitated. I’ve been depressed. I can’t help but think that a psychosis episode is around the corner. I’m “due” for one, even though I hate saying that.… Continue reading

    I’ve Just Been Sad The Past Few Weeks

  • My Various History of Hallucinations and Delusions

    This is a long entry, I hope you find it as interesting as I do. I’ve been listening to the subject matter more of the background hallucinations I hear. I realized some of these are called “internal auditory hallucinations” –… Continue reading

    My Various History of Hallucinations and Delusions

  • I Hate Arthritis

    I have this giant entry all written up on my auditory hallucinations that I was going to post today. It’s a continuation from last week. But I’ll post that next week, or maybe in a day or two. I have… Continue reading

    I Hate Arthritis

  • Parts of My Verbal Auditory Hallucinations

    I had a difficult realization over this last week. That most of the “neighbors” that I hear talking amongst themselves on my walks are still hallucinations. *sigh* I had noticed that there’s usually not one person outside when I hear… Continue reading

    Parts of My Verbal Auditory Hallucinations

  • I Had An Incident With My Now Ex-Therapist

    It was halfway through with my therapy session and I was in a slight conversational lull and suddenly Jessie, the therapist who’s quitting in two weeks, after being in the office for about six months, started talking about her leaving,… Continue reading

    I Had An Incident With My Now Ex-Therapist

  • Anxiety and Agitation

    I’ve been feeling very, I don’t know, annoyed this week. Very agitated and anxious are probably better descriptors. I’ve been thinking obsessively about going back to work. So much so that it’s been giving me anxiety attacks. I had one… Continue reading

    Anxiety and Agitation

  • Trusting Myself For The First Time

    All I’ve been doing the past few weeks is walking for my vein ablation recovery instructions. It’s been engulfing. Which is kinda nice because I feel like I haven’t had much time to think about a lot. Even though I… Continue reading

    Trusting Myself For The First Time

  • The First Vein Ablation

    This was an eventful week. I’ve been busy and tired, but good. Voices have been acting up but not terribly bad, they’ve just been mildly annoying. Just mainly while I’m out on walks, like they do. They did better again… Continue reading

    The First Vein Ablation

  • Thought Loss

    I’ve been dealing with a lot of thought loss the last few years. And it’s gotten better. But it’s much worse than it used to be. And I talk about this a lot. You know when you’re mid thought, mid… Continue reading

    Thought Loss

  • The Voices Lately

    The voices have been very tolerable lately. I haven’t been talking about them the last few entries and I figured I’d touch base with them this week. Things have been good – they’ve been quiet. But I’ve been taking my… Continue reading

    The Voices Lately

  • A Vein Ablation and Weight Loss

    I’m having a decent week, finally. After episodes of pain, psychosis, depression, anxiety, more pain, more psychosis, more depression and then even more pain and then even more psychosis and then even more anxiety, I can finally, finally breathe today.… Continue reading

    A Vein Ablation and Weight Loss

  • The Transitional Times

    I don’t know how I feel this week. Monday I was severely anxious. Tuesday I was in a terrible mood, but social. Wednesday I was withdrawn and was quite literally aching with loneliness. Thursday I was completely anxious all day… Continue reading

    The Transitional Times

  • My Therapy Journey

    I can’t even tell you how many therapists I’ve seen in my life. Dozens, easy. I used to think therapy was useless. What good does it do to talk to a stranger (who you’re paying) about my stupid life? It’s… Continue reading

    My Therapy Journey

  • Patterns of My Psychosis are Surfacing

    Holy shit, that’s it. That’s part of the prodromal phase for me. I pull away from people. I can see it now. People start annoying the shit out of me, for no reason. I suddenly hate getting messages and calls,… Continue reading

    Patterns of My Psychosis are Surfacing

  • After A Psychotic Episode

    I can’t think this week. My mind is fuzzy and foggy. (before I forget, I talk about self harm in here in regards to an epiphany, but now you have been warned) I have been teaching myself Spanish the past… Continue reading

    After A Psychotic Episode

  • How The Delusions and Hallucinations Engulf

    I got into a comment conversation with a fellow writer and decided to write an entry around it. In my last post I had some hallucination dialogue – some back and forth between the voices, and she asked me if… Continue reading

    How The Delusions and Hallucinations Engulf

  • The Ramblings of My Voices

    It’s Monday and the voices are still lingering. I may have to up my Paliperidone again. As of this week, I haven’t yet. I really don’t fucking want to. They’re telling me I’m living a lie, the voices are. That… Continue reading

    The Ramblings of My Voices

  • I Forgot That I Remembered It Wrong

    My brain feels shriveled after that psychotic episode this last week. I’m just now resurfacing. It’s Saturday and I still can’t think properly. My body is fucking killing me. I mean, I’ve been walking more lately – trying to lose… Continue reading

    I Forgot That I Remembered It Wrong

  • Stuffed in the Trunk

    It was a decent week. I’ve been in a much, much better mood this week than I have been in a while. Which is a very refreshing change. I didn’t think I could feel like this anymore. I’m hopeful today.… Continue reading

    Stuffed in the Trunk

  • Is This Optimism?

    I’m wearing two pairs of pants today. I’ve got leggings on, under my jeans. It’s 30° outside here in Texas, and that’s cold as fuck for here. I’m not used to the cold anymore. It’s refreshing, but foreign feeling. As… Continue reading

    Is This Optimism?

  • ADHD and Medication Changes

    I’ve been feeling a bit better in my lumbar ablation recovery. Walking good and eating less. Trying to at least. This week has been decent with those types of things. Could be better. But it also could be a lot… Continue reading

    ADHD and Medication Changes

  • Hallucinations and an Ablation

    It’s Sunday afternoon and my back pain is making me nauseous. It’s 4:16pm and all i’ve had is a Red Bull and a Chobani Flip. Quite a stark contrast from the last few days. I hurt. My lower back feels… Continue reading

    Hallucinations and an Ablation

  • My Eating is an Addiction

    My eating is an addiction. I want that immediate pleasure from food. I want that instant satisfaction. And I wanted it yesterday. And every day I wake up telling myself that today is going to be the day where I… Continue reading

    My Eating is an Addiction

  • Pain, Inflammation, and a Crappy U.S. Doctor

    I’m in so much pain. So. Much. Pain. And it feels like no one cares. I know people do, but I hate complaining about it at the same time so I try really hard not to. But I’ve been crying… Continue reading

    Pain, Inflammation, and a Crappy U.S. Doctor

  • The Intensity of Inflammation

    I had been off Prozac for about a week, week and a half, before starting back up on the 20mg capsules yesterday (it’s Tuesday) I can’t do life without a SSRI. Fuck that bullshit. I have some capsules left, so… Continue reading

    The Intensity of Inflammation

  • Weight and Sweat

    I just noticed I’ve been avoiding taking my picture again lately. I know I hate how heavy I am again. I’ve gained what feels like a ton of weight back after losing 100lbs. It’s not a ton, but I have… Continue reading

    Weight and Sweat

  • Medication Change, Continued

    The medication change is going. Not well, not bad, not great, just going. I don’t know what I expected to feel besides something different. I decided to cut my antipsychotic in half on top of everything else. I know what… Continue reading

    Medication Change, Continued

  • Medications: Part Twelve

    I’m coming off of my Buspirone this weekend. Fuck that shit. I’m sick of it. It doesn’t work. I’m sick of the medication fillers that puff my body up. That makes my vision blurry. That makes my body feel stagnant… Continue reading

    Medications: Part Twelve

  • Weight Gain Sucks

    I’ve been better about writing this week. I just seemingly can’t write anything I’d like to post. So this is me giving it yet another shot with this entry. Hopefully this one will be the winner. My weight is getting… Continue reading

    Weight Gain Sucks

  • The Flare

    I haven’t written shit this week because I was in the middle of a fucking arthritic flare. It’s been pretty bad honestly. My body was attacking itself all month really. On and off and then on full force again. It… Continue reading

    The Flare

  • Medications: Part Eleven

    (this is my longest entry yet) This week has been good. Very few symptoms, but my anxiety is still rampant. I don’t think it’ll ever go away. Nor the voices. I did have a few voices the other night and… Continue reading

    Medications: Part Eleven

  • I’m No Longer Actively Hating Myself

    Welp, trump won. That fucking happened. I sure as hell didn’t vote for him. But that’s not what this entry is about, so I digress. I was in therapy on Thursday morning and Sean asked me what I was doing/thinking/feeling… Continue reading

    I’m No Longer Actively Hating Myself

  • Delusions and Healthcare Crap

    I’m feeling like part of my fear about fires that I’ve been writing about is partially a delusion that I’m working through. Sure it’s anxiety too. For sure it is. But I feel like the bigger part of it is… Continue reading

    Delusions and Healthcare Crap

  • Prescriptions and Pharmacies

    Oh my god I hate dealing with pharmacies. Everytime I transfer something or try to fill something I’m met with a fucking brick wall. It’s really rare that a pharmacist cares about what’s happening, but I have that at CVS… Continue reading

    Prescriptions and Pharmacies

  • Self Care and Payments

    I’ve written like four entries this week and hated all of them. Now it’s Thursday evening and I’m scrambling to write something for tomorrow. I just kept forgetting to write this week too. I had a lot of appointments again… Continue reading

    Self Care and Payments

  • Social Depletion

    I get so down on myself sometimes. I hang out with someone and just end up going home after two hours because I can’t handle being out in public. And I was just sitting at a friends house. I get… Continue reading

    Social Depletion

  • Addiction Tools

    I’m super antsy today. It’s Sunday afternoon and I feel like doing something. But I don’t know what to do and don’t really want to spend any money and everywhere is closed today. So I ate something and am now… Continue reading

    Addiction Tools

  • Listening to Myself

    I need to learn how to listen to myself better than I already do. I’ll give you an example. I was just out to dinner with my Dad and his friend and my knees started killing me after we got… Continue reading

    Listening to Myself

  • Ignoring Certain Things

    I’ve been ignoring my physical health for a while now again. A few months. It’s just so hard to focus on anything with my medications being leveled out and my disability hearing and all of that being in limbo for… Continue reading

    Ignoring Certain Things

  • Anxiety and Approval

    I’ve had several panic attacks in the past week. Big panic attacks. So much so that I debated going to the ER with one of them. But I think that my disability appeals have finally been approved. I’m pretty sure… Continue reading

    Anxiety and Approval

  • Stability and PRN’s

    I thought my life was going alright while in psychosis a few years ago. I thought everyone else had the problems, not me. Besides, everyone was talking shit about me all the time. And I wasn’t able to put things… Continue reading

    Stability and PRN’s

  • Dating & Other Fears

    I’m having these physical responses to dating. Like the first one I was so anxious about the lack of conversation, I started to break out in a sweat. Or maybe that was from the real fucking crowded restaurant we were… Continue reading

    Dating & Other Fears

  • I Quit (Smoking)

    You heard it folks, I’m officially done with cigarettes. It’s been a nasty and long relationship, but I’ve whipped out my white flag to shake around and have surrendered. I’m not buying anymore tobacco. Hopefully ever. It sucks. I’ll be… Continue reading

    I Quit (Smoking)

  • Signs of an Episode

    There are a few things that are signs that a psychotic episode is going to happen or is happening to me. The more I think about it, I’m able to slowly put two and two together a bit better as… Continue reading

    Signs of an Episode

  • The Physical Effects of Antipsychotics: Part Two

    I know I was in some sort of psychotic episode the last week or five because now I don’t feel like I have anything to say. I feel boring, bland. I feel dull and uninteresting. I feel like I have… Continue reading

    The Physical Effects of Antipsychotics: Part Two

  • Reunited

    This week has been surprisingly good. I have recently reconnected this week with a great friend, and it’s been so so so nice to catch up and reunite. It feels good, having a friend. A good friend. A real friend,… Continue reading

    Reunited

  • Psych Visit and a Book

    I know I’ve been posting a lot the past week or so, I just feel like I have a lot to say and keep having ideas for posts, so I just keep writing. I remember my grandmother telling me once… Continue reading

    Psych Visit and a Book

  • Psychotic Episodes

    Psychosis is not well understood. It a giant ball of mystery. They don’t really know why it surfaces or how except for something about dopamine. Which makes sense to me because when a psych doc put me on Wellbutrin years… Continue reading

    Psychotic Episodes

  • Masking My Emotions And An Epiphany

    I noticed that after my therapist told me I didn’t fit the criteria for a manic or even a hypomanic episode, my depression has started creeping up with the elevated mood still here. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t understand… Continue reading

    Masking My Emotions And An Epiphany

  • The Effort is There

    I’m trying really hard to change. I am. I’m now taking my meds, I’m seeing a therapist weekly and have been for over two years now. I’m seeing a psychiatrist too, every two or three months for the past like,… Continue reading

    The Effort is There

  • Bipolar Rage

    I can’t keep doing the same things and expect things to be different. That’s literally insanity. I have been an oversharer most of my life. But that’s not me anymore. Well, rather, I don’t want to be that person anymore.… Continue reading

    Bipolar Rage

  • I Had Lost The Details

    I used to think most things were endless and unobtainable. Chaotic and confusing. Like the amount, or types, of birds in the air. There are too many to even start counting or naming. The fruits at the grocery store –… Continue reading

    I Had Lost The Details

  • Medication Adherence

    It’s like one good thing happens and then a bunch of terrible things follow suit. I didn’t have therapy last week because of the fourth of July holiday was that same day. Today, Thursday, 40 min before our session, my… Continue reading

    Medication Adherence

  • Intrusive Thoughts and Suicidal Ideations

    I’ll put this trigger warning here; this entry is gritty, raw and dark. I encourage you to sit in the uncomfortableness, but, if you’re sensitive to reading about intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideations, I’d stop reading. There is some rough… Continue reading

    Intrusive Thoughts and Suicidal Ideations

  • Being Triggered

    Everything is seemingly turning another corner for the bigillionth time. My aches and pains are dulling down to a point where I can walk my little walk with Bruce again. (Until the next flare.) Which is annoying because I could… Continue reading

    Being Triggered

  • Complicated Phrasing

    There’s that phrase that says you can’t love anyone until you love yourself. And I think that’s bullshit. I have loved many people while not even knowing how to like myself, let alone love myself. Hell, I just barely started… Continue reading

    Complicated Phrasing

  • Scary Relief

    The voices are still here, in case you were wondering. I have been trying to focus on other things while they’re not as loud, but some days are better than others. And the last couple of days I’ve had some… Continue reading

    Scary Relief

  • Dissociation

    I do think there are parts of me that aren’t connected. I do feel like I bounce back and forth between myself but at different ages. Ages where something happened or was a turning point in my life. When I… Continue reading

    Dissociation

  • Self Talk

    I have been starting to do more positive self talk this week. Just to myself, in my head. I’ve been really trying to tell myself that I’m a good person. And I deserve to take care of myself. That I… Continue reading

    Self Talk

  • Delusions

    It’s all the same. The general idea for my delusions are all pretty much the same base. Someone is after me. Out to get me. Spying on me. Stalking me. Watching me. I call all of these things hallucinations all… Continue reading

    Delusions

  • Reframing

    I’ve been feeling good the past week. So good I’m on edge waiting for my symptoms to take hold again. It makes me antsy when I have several decent days in a row like I have been this week. Wait,… Continue reading

    Reframing