dreams
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Neutrality
So, I have a really, really tough time trying to “love” myself. This isn’t a new thing either. It’s not like I woke up this morning and realized this. I’ve hated myself for so many decades that the thought of… Continue reading
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And Even More Doctor Appointments…
I had a lot more doctors appointments this week. I had sclerotherapy done on my left leg on Tuesday this week. One down by my ankle and another in my back calf – both on the left leg. It burned… Continue reading
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EMDR and Pain and Memory
I’m still in a lot of pain this week. My pain levels have been waking me up at night, every night. It’s quite exhausting. I’ve at least been able to take naps this week. I’m not always able to. But… Continue reading
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Psychosis, EMDR, and Pain Levels
The other day I was walking Bruce and I had a big visual hallucination. It was like the world was suddenly zooming out. I was looking down the sidewalk, and things were getting further away. Like in the cartoons. This… Continue reading
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C•PTSD and Trauma (Medical and Authoritative)
I’m 99.9% sure of my PTSD is actually C•PTSD. I’ve never really given it much thought until this last weekend. I mean, I have, but I haven’t put that much thought into it. I guess I never really looked up… Continue reading
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Being Social With Schizoaffective Disorder
I don’t know why I can’t just go out and about and be happy that someone wants to spend time with me. Oh wait, I do know why, it’s the voices. They’re always fucking shit up. Everytime I’m away from… Continue reading
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The Bug Situation and Being Emotional
This is how my week started… It’s Monday, and I have been so incredibly, unbearably anxious and paranoid lately. Like, crying at least several times every single day, for the past several weeks. And I don’t know what to do… Continue reading
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I’m Not Who I Once Was
I used to freak the fuck out. Over react to everything. Screaming. Yelling. Texting people nonstop about my random issues and problems. I answered the phone today when I shouldn’t have. I was frustrated about my car air and vents… Continue reading
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People Are Ridiculous
It’s been a stupid, shitty week again. High pain levels, and night terrors practically every night. My pain and night terrors have been taking turns waking me up every stupid fucking night. I’m exhausted. Last week was a doozy too.… Continue reading
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The Voices and Being Followed
Mental illness is bizarre. When the Paliperidone first started to clear up the bulk of my voices last year, I felt like I was always around people. Granted, I worked retail at the time too, so I was. But even… Continue reading
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Stuffed in the Trunk
It was a decent week. I’ve been in a much, much better mood this week than I have been in a while. Which is a very refreshing change. I didn’t think I could feel like this anymore. I’m hopeful today.… Continue reading
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Is This Optimism?
I’m wearing two pairs of pants today. I’ve got leggings on, under my jeans. It’s 30° outside here in Texas, and that’s cold as fuck for here. I’m not used to the cold anymore. It’s refreshing, but foreign feeling. As… Continue reading
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A Nightmare and Other Stuff Like Vacation
I had a dream the other night that I was stabbed again. But this time it wasn’t real. I woke up out of breath. I had gotten into some sort of altercation with another woman and she stabbed me in… Continue reading
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Delusions and Healthcare Crap
I’m feeling like part of my fear about fires that I’ve been writing about is partially a delusion that I’m working through. Sure it’s anxiety too. For sure it is. But I feel like the bigger part of it is… Continue reading
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Social Depletion
I get so down on myself sometimes. I hang out with someone and just end up going home after two hours because I can’t handle being out in public. And I was just sitting at a friends house. I get… Continue reading
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Anxiety and Approval
I’ve had several panic attacks in the past week. Big panic attacks. So much so that I debated going to the ER with one of them. But I think that my disability appeals have finally been approved. I’m pretty sure… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Ten
Today is the two year anniversary of A Delusional Predisposition. I can’t believe I’ve been writing this blog that long. Kinda hard to believe. And what better way to bring in the new year than with a medication post. I… Continue reading
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Milestone Weight Loss
It’s been an alright week. Pain levels are back to their full and dull roar, and I haven’t had many big hallucinations, just small ones. I also hit a milestone and lost 100lbs this week. Then I treated myself and… Continue reading
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Dreams or Thoughts
I keep having these recurring things in my dreams. I’m always carrying a backpack or bag that’s too way way way too heavy for me. Like, once it’s off my back it takes someone helping me to get it back… Continue reading
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Dreams and Nightmares
Some days I just wait to go to sleep. All day long. All week long. All month long. All year long. I usually wake up at the same time everyday. And I try to go to sleep around the same… Continue reading
A Delusional Predisposition 