Lactose Intolerance

For the first time since starting this blog, I haven’t felt like writing this week.

I know I will.

I mean, I did.

Because this is posted right here.

So I know I did write.

But I seriously don’t feel like it.

My entire being slowed last week.

Became a vacuum of energy.

So exhausting.

I had several doctor appointments and ate a lot of cheese.

I also unfortunately found out that I’m officially lactose intolerant.

Well, I knew this buried somewhere inside me.

Somewhere.

I don’t talk about this side much, because I don’t want to express much any positivity towards the voices, but the voices told me I was lactose intolerant last year.

They already told me about this.

They knew.

I don’t eat much meat at all.

I rarely buy it.

And, yeah, I eat a lot of cheese.

This week in particular, I realized, for me, that dairy has a whole other side of inflammation to it.

I got some Lactaid yesterday and it felt as if I lost 10 pounds in about three hours.

I mean, c’mon.

That’s a thing.

My clothes started fitting better by the afternoon.

I took one more Lactaid after eating some crackers last night and woke up this morning feeling fucking fab.

I can’t focus on more than one thing in/on/around my body.

My mental health fucks with every part of me.

And most of the time I can’t tell what is happening.

Just like with the dairy.

Just like with my psychosis symptoms.

The voices I hear are horrible 98% of the time.

Sometimes though, every once in a while, they can be very kind.

I remember one of my old meds would make me backed up.

Well, the voices told me that it’s probably from the cheese that I ate and not the medicine.

I shook them off.

They’re always being dicks, why are they saying this?

I continued to get backed up to have it reverse and I would be beyond physically uncomfortable for weeks.

How did I just put it together that it’s dairy?

Why didn’t I listen to them?

Well, they fed me lies after lies for starters..

I’m also starting to feel like the voices may manifest with and talk about whatever I’m fixated and super anxious about at the time.

But, as I recalled this back and forth, I remembered that if the Lactaid helps and if I am lactose intolerant, I would assume that I’d feel major relief from my bloating if I got some.

So I did.

And I’m noticing extremely convincing results.

I’m shook.

How do I not notice these things?

Butter has killed my stomach ever since I can remember.

I have already had my gallbladder removed years ago.

There’s gotta be something tied to something there because this is fucking rediculous.

How do I not notice?

Why did I think I noticed then shrugged it off only to remember that I shrugged it off the other day?

What the hell?

I was sitting here trying to think about what I did that was so different.

How did this very, very uncomfortable physical part literally, blow up?

Then I remembered about the enzyme that helps break down dairy products.

I have a hard time thinking through a problem.

Like, I didn’t care if cheese or milk made me feel bad.

It didn’t.

I tried this before.

Eating it for sure outweighed any crappy feeling.

But that crappy feeling suddenly morphed into not being able to properly move this week.

Not being able to bend my body properly.

How do I let things become so extreme, that I don’t notice until it’s literally blown up in my face?

I get frustrated with these types of realizations.

I also remembered that when I was in the hospital, the swelling in my body diminished significantly.

I lost 10 lbs.

I felt great.

Well, I also wasn’t fed much dairy.

Like, almost none.

I thought it was my medicine at that time.

Which is just not the case at all.

It’s always been the dairy.

Well, to an extent.

But I’ve never been big on meat.

So I’ve always been big on cheese.

My body has had enough as of this week.

And my mind got a little better once the Lactaid hit as well.

Like, almost to the clarity of last weekend, better.

I’m very, very sad to be losing cheese in my life.

But I’m much more grateful to be able to be aware of both my physical and mental states today.

– Keren